head and roared with laughter. Her brother and the kids gaped at one other with alarm. Fran knew why. It was the first time she had laughed since Andy’s death and they were worried that this was the sign of her losing it properly. Ranting and raving was understandable but hysterical laughter? Not so much.
‘What’s so funny?’ smirked Charlie, who loved a shared joke.
Fran picked up the puppy. ‘Any animal who has the gall to wee on my slippers in order to gain affection, gets my vote.’
‘So we can keep him?’ asked Charlie, who was sometimes slow on the uptake.
‘We can keep him,’ laughed Fran.
‘Can we call him Alan?’ suggested Charlie. ‘I’ve always liked that name. It’s friendly.’
‘Alan?’ Fran frowned.
Jude shrugged. ‘S’good name. Better than calling him something stupid like Daniel.’
Fran’s brother snorted with laughter. ‘Daniel the spaniel. Good one.’
Fran held up the puppy and squinted into his eyes. The puppy stared back. ‘Alan,’ she said. The puppy gave a cheerful bark of agreement. Fran shook her head with a grin. ‘Alan it is then.’
I wish Alan was here right now, thought Fran as Nik instructed them to find a comfortable seated position after the tea break. She felt nervous and, for some reason, her daft dog always calmed her down.
‘Next week we shall be focusing on mindfulness properly but today by way of an introduction, I would like us to try a simple exercise to give you an example of what it feels like to be mindful – a basic meditation based on breathing. I believe that it is a good skill to learn on the path to a happier existence and we shall be doing our best to practise it as much as possible. It can be tricky to start with so don’t worry if you don’t get it straight away. Now. Close your eyes and place your hands softly in your lap. Be aware of the sensations in your body as you breathe in and out. Focus on nothing but the breathing in and out.’
Fran heard a nervous fart and felt Heather’s body shake with laughter next to her so that she had to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing too.
‘If your thoughts start to wander, do not worry. Simply bring your mind back to your breathing. In and out. In and out.’
Shake it all about, thought Fran. Oh dear. This wasn’t going very well. She tried to focus on her breathing but her overall thought was how ridiculous this was. A group of grown people sitting around in a draughty community hall waiting for it to be over. She opened one eye and looked furtively left and right. Jim’s eyes were tightly shut as he mouthed the words ‘in and out’ to himself. Fran dared a glance at Heather and realized that she was peeking too. They both suppressed giggles as Pamela started to snore peacefully. Nik had his eyes closed so Fran pulled a face at Heather, who had to stuff a fist in her mouth to stop herself from laughing.
‘Okay,’ said Nik, his eyes still closed. ‘Allow yourself to come back to the moment and if it didn’t work for you this time…’ he opened his eyes and looked directly at Fran and Heather, who exchanged sheepish smirks ‘…please be aware that the realization that your mind has wandered is actually an integral part of meditation.’
‘Gold stars for us then,’ whispered Fran to Heather, who chuckled.
‘Ooh, I feel so refreshed,’ declared Pamela, stretching out her arms.
‘That is because you sleep,’ pointed out Georg with a frown. ‘That is not meditation or mindfulness. That is sleep.’
‘Oh. Right,’ said Pamela looking disappointed.
‘Don’t worry, this is all good practice,’ said Nik reassuringly. ‘And an excellent start – well done. So, now I will set your homework. Firstly, I want you to practise mindfulness in your everyday life, find something that works for you. It could be mindful baking, Pamela or mindful dog-walking, Fran.’
‘Yeah, I’m not sure Alan will go for that,’ she retorted.
‘Well, try things out and we can discuss it next week, when we will focus on mindfulness properly. You also have my happiness list and as you can see it is generic. I would therefore like you to come up with your own list. This week, write down one thing, relating to your happiness, that you would like to work on or achieve by the end of the course. It could be “get fitter” or “learn to paint” or something more emotional like “stop feeling guilty”.’ Fran felt her skin prickle. ‘Try to be honest. You don’t have to share it, unless you want to. I would like you to add to your list after every week as we learn together so that by the end of the course you have your own happiness list. Does this make sense?’
There were enthusiastic murmurs and nods from everyone in the room apart from Heather and Fran. They shared a knowing smile, which gave Fran an unexpected feeling of hope.
‘Okay, that’s enough from me,’ nodded Nik. ‘Feel free to ask me questions afterwards or email me in the week if you need to. Good luck and I look forward to seeing you next week.’
‘A happiness list, eh?’ said Fran as she followed Pamela and Heather onto the street. ‘Well I don’t know what Mads Mikkelsen in there is going to make of me listing “eat more KitKat Chunkies, go on a date with Idris Elba and finally clear out the loft”, because that would definitely make me happy.’
Pamela chuckled before turning to Heather. ‘I bet I can guess what the first item on your list is,’ she said with glee before humming the tune to ‘Here Comes the Bride’.
Heather shrugged. ‘Maybe.’
Fran got the feeling that Heather wanted to rein in Pamela’s enthusiasm. ‘Any idea what you’re going to focus on then, Pamela?’ she asked, changing the subject.
Heather gave her a grateful smile.
Pamela sighed. ‘I don’t know. Try to stop my Barry and Matthew arguing all the time probably.’
‘That doesn’t sound much fun,’ said Fran. ‘I refuse to referee my kids’ disagreements. Let them sort out their own arguments – make sure you do something for yourself,’ she added kindly.
Pamela patted her arm and nodded. ‘I’m definitely going to give that mindful baking a try. I do love my baking and I think it would calm me down if I was a bit more, you know, in the moment.’ She smiled, making inverted commas in the air.
‘Good for you,’ declared Fran, keen to draw the conversation to a close before Pamela started to grill her. ‘Right, I’d better get back home to Mum. Good luck,’ she added, giving a hasty wave before heading off along the street.
‘How was it then?’ asked Angela as Fran flopped onto the sofa a while later and took a large sip of wine.
‘Yeah, it was great. I’ve learnt all the happiness and everything is fine.’
Angela regarded her daughter for a second before shaking her head. ‘Oh Fran,’ she said. ‘Please at least try to make some effort.’
The next day Fran lay back on the uncomfortable sofa and stared up at the crack in the ceiling that seemed to get bigger every week.
