I’m old school, love; we don’t grass on our own.’
‘But …’
‘But nothing, girl. I did alright; he got me this place as a way of compensation.’
Casey stood up and looked horrified.
‘Money’s money, love; it’s an expensive habit I’ve got. Most of what I earn goes up my arm and if I didn’t have this place I’d be back on the streets. So you see, Oscar did me a favour in a way.’
‘How can you say that? What he did was shocking.’
‘What he did was life, sweetheart. I’m happy like this, I like it, never wanted to give up …’
Lola just managed to finish speaking before she suddenly jolted and turned her head to the side to vomit. Casey curled her face in disgust and backed away. What the hell was she doing in a place like this?
‘I’m sorry … I’ve got to go.’
Lola wiped the side of her mouth and looked up. Casey could see the tears in her eyes and the pain on her face but she had no idea what she was supposed to do.
‘Don’t go, Casey. Stay and keep me company … please.’
Lola raised her shaking hand towards Casey and the stench of the vomit and the misery of the situation suddenly hit Casey.
‘I’m sorry, Lola, I can’t.’ Turning quickly and grabbing her bag from the chair, Casey ran out of the cafe to the cool of the morning air and immediately felt very ashamed for running out on someone who’d asked for help. She put her hand on the door to go back inside but something stopped her. The desperation of the situation was clear to see and it was as if she was looking at herself in the mirror – but all Casey wanted to do was run.
CHAPTER NINE
It was four thirty the following Wednesday and Casey had slept most of the last few days away. Walking in on Lola and going to sobriety meetings in the evening had taken it out of her, and as much as she hated being in the flat, she’d rather sleep than watch the minutes slowly tick by emphasising her struggle to abstain from drinking. What she really needed was to try to take her mind off it. She remembered the club Whispers had a comedy spot on most nights and even though she knew she’d have to stay strong not to drink, Casey decided having a laugh would be more helpful than lying on her bed staring at the ceiling. The sign said it didn’t open until seven o’clock, so Casey settled on the cafe four doors away. It was in these quiet moments she found the unwelcome memories came knocking; today they also had her reaching for her mobile phone. The phone on the other end rang twice before it was answered by a man with a deep voice.
‘Hello?’
Casey didn’t speak for a moment but held her breath, trying to calm the pounding of her heart. The silence on the phone caused the person on the other end to repeat their question.
‘Hello?’
‘Hello Josh.’
‘Casey! Oh god it’s good to hear from you. How are you? Why haven’t you called before?’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘If it wasn’t for the postcard you sent me I wouldn’t have known you were alive, eighteen months is a long time, Cass. Are you sure you’re okay?’
‘I’m doing okay. I’ve been to a meeting.’
‘I’m glad. Wow, sorry it’s just such a shock to hear from you. Where are you?’
‘In London.’
There was an awkward pause before Casey heard Josh tentatively speak again.
‘Have you done anything about it yet? About … well you know.’
‘No not yet. Funny, I’ve waited all this time but now I can’t quite find the courage to go.’
‘Be careful Cass; I don’t want you to get disappointed … or hurt. It was so long ago, they might not even live there now. I don’t think you should Cass. Maybe you should let sleeping dogs lie.’
‘Anyone would think you don’t want me to find him.’
‘It’s not that … It’s just …’ Josh trailed off and Casey spoke impatiently wanting to find out what he was going to say.
‘Just what?’
‘Nothing, listen forget I said anything.’
‘I know you’re worried but for all the tourists and the craziness Soho is a tight-knit community; if they’re not there, I’m sure someone will remember them and even know where they’ve gone.’
Casey listened to Josh breathe on the other end of the phone. She knew him well, but then she should do; after all, she was married to him. She knew his silence was that of a person with a difference of opinion, but he was too diplomatic – or too sensible – to say anything.
They’d met at a wedding but it hadn’t been love at first sight; if she were truthful she hadn’t thought much about him at all. They’d spent the evening sitting next to each other in a huge draughty hall as they toasted the happy couple who she knew through her cousin. Josh had talked about his work and asked her polite questions which she gave the shortest of answers to. She’d been civil but aloof, but Josh had persisted.
‘Would you like to dance?’
She hadn’t, but she’d been unable to think of a good excuse before he’d got up and put out his hand for her to take. Even though it’d been their first dance, Casey couldn’t recall what song had been played – she’d stopped being sentimental the day she’d given birth; there was no room in her heart for it. What she had felt was a feeling of safety as he held her in his arms. For the first time in her life she’d felt secure. Three weeks later he’d asked her to marry him and she’d not hesitated in saying yes, hoping saying, ‘I do’ would fix the gaping hole in her heart and fill the void from losing her child.
‘Casey? Are you listening? I think you should be careful.’
Josh interrupted her thoughts and she returned her focus to the conversation on the phone.
‘Thanks for your concern; I’ll be fine.’
She could hear the tightness in her voice although she didn’t mean it to be there; she had no quarrel with Josh; he’d done nothing wrong. He was a kind, warm, sensitive man who’d tried to look after her and heal her wounds. She shouldn’t have married him and he was better off without her.
‘Bye Josh.’
‘Keep in touch, Cass, and think about what I said.’
Casey clicked off the phone and was suddenly startled by a man standing in front of her.
‘Can I get you another one; or maybe something stronger?’
Casey quickly wiped away her tears which seemed to spring to her eyes all too easily these days for her liking; she felt
