as sort of parents so we had a first port of call if we ever needed to talk to someone who knew the university back to front. I was about to get up when there was a knock on the door.
‘Come in,’ I called, then, realising it was on the latch, said, ‘Oh, hold on a moment.’ I ran to the door, hurriedly flattening down my hair as I did so in case I looked like a crazy blonde haystack. I unlocked the door and opened it to find a beaming girl’s face greeting me.
‘Hi,’ she said, very loudly – too loudly, I thought, considering I was standing right in front of her. ‘How’s it all going? Have you got unpacked yet? Absolute nightmare, isn’t it? I’ve only got through one and a half bags.’
She strode past me and stood, hands on her waist, looking about.
‘Oh my gosh, how tidy you are! We are going to be such friends, I know it. They say opposites attract and I am hands down the messiest person you’ve ever come across. Honestly, it’s scary.’
Her low, rather plummy voice was both reassuring in its confidence and intimidating in its speed. I smiled politely and thought I’d better take things back to simpler, more introductory areas of conversation. ‘Hi, I’m Holly.’
‘Oh, of course you are, of course you are. So sorry. What a lovely name, too. Holly. Holly.’ She said it out loud twice, as if trying it on for size, then nodded. ‘Good, good. I’m Aphrodite. My mum did classics. Obsessed with Greece. Bit of a freak. You can call me Ally, though. Everyone does. What kind of fucking sadist names their own child Aphrodite, eh?’
‘Umm, one obsessed with Greece, I suppose,’ I said feebly, hoping it sounded like a light-hearted response rather than an insult towards her mother.
‘You’ve got it in one. Totally bonkers, all of my family are. Though they think I’m stark raving mad for wanting to come here.’
I raised my eyebrows at this. Her accent was very upper class, but maybe that was just affected. Maybe she actually did come from a relatively normal family like mine. ‘Are you the first in your family to go to uni?’ I asked.
She looked at me as if I’d suddenly spoken to her in Japanese. ‘No, of course not. But they all went to sodding Cambridge. I’m the rebel who went to Oxford … well, Ernest and I. My brother, Ernest. We’re twins, but he is light years more intelligent than I am. Thinks I talk like a commoner.’
I laughed nervously, worrying what he’d think of my accent if he thought she sounded common.
‘He’s already here. In the year above. Started early. You’ll meet him. Everyone does at some point. Rampant shagger, my darling brother. He’d have his eye on you. Blonde hair, blue eyes, slim figure and a vagina. You’re ticking all the boxes so far, so watch out.’ She let out a low rumble of laughter. I was reminded of a gym teacher we had when I was seven. Miss Marks, I think her name was. Her laugh seemed to reverberate around the school hall, although this girl, Ally, seemed to carry off her low voice with sophistication rather than awkwardness. She was substantially taller than me, also blonde, though a darker tone, especially at the roots, and seemed to be able to command the room around her, even though I was the only audience she had.
‘So, have you met your mummy yet?’
For a second I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, then I understood. ‘Oh, the older student?’
‘Yes, the one to show you around, make sure you’re not crying yourself to sleep at night, that sort of thing.’
I shook my head. ‘No, I haven’t.’
‘Oh, that’s not good. They should have met you when you arrived. And your daddy. Or have they axed daddies? I’m not sure. Let’s go and find you one.’ She made it sound like we were going off to get an ice cream. I wasn’t even certain I wanted a ‘mummy’. I’d always been pretty good at finding my own way through things, but I didn’t want to look standoffish. Ally grabbed my hand and led me out of my room.
‘Don’t bother locking your door, nobody does around here. There’s a general rule: if you’ve locked your door, you’re having sex. Or a total essay-breakdown. My brother has those from time to time.’ She was leading me through the corridors, apparently confident in where she was going. ‘Ah! Here we are.’ A small gathering of students was in front of us, some of them looking lost, others holding clipboards. One of the clipboard girls smiled at Ally and said hello and the others nodded. Apparently everyone knew her. ‘Got an orphan here for you, Catherine; her name is Holly,’ Ally barked at her.
‘Oh God, have you been left without a parent, too?’ The girl called Catherine was looking down her clipboard. ‘I’m so sorry about this, there’s been such a mix-up with numbers. The person who helps organise all this is from the maths department, but you wouldn’t know it. Let’s see …’ She chewed on her pencil while I just smiled politely, trying not to look too demanding.
‘I don’t need anyone, honestly,’ I said quietly, but Catherine didn’t seem to hear.
‘Holly Rowe? Is that right?… Hmm, you’re supposed to be with Caitlin, but I don’t know where she’s … ah, here she is now.’
Another girl had appeared, as if from nowhere. Short, round and looking extremely cheerful, I couldn’t help but feel heartened by her presence. Here was someone I didn’t have to be intimidated by, I thought, then instantly despised myself for the value judgement. Was it a value judgement? I decided to ponder that later and offered my hand. ‘Hi, I’m Holly,’ I said, then realised I’d interrupted Catherine, who was halfway through asking Caitlin why she hadn’t been there to greet me on my arrival.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Caitlin said in a warm, kind-sounding voice with a slight northern slant. She shook my outstretched hand, still grinning. ‘I was double-booked, so to speak – given another girl in a different block, which is strange as I thought I’d made it clear …’
‘Well, I’m glad all this has been sorted,’ said Catherine curtly, then promptly left our little group and went to speak to another student on the other side of the hallway.
‘She’s a bit of a force of nature, Catherine,’ Ally said. ‘I think she hates me, but is too proud to show it. Probably because she fucked my brother and he didn’t get back in touch.’ I saw Caitlin blush at this. Ally turned to her and said, ‘You know what, I’m super-fine to take care of Holly if you wanted to get back to your other charge.’
I began saying that I didn’t need taking care of but Caitlin got in first. ‘I don’t think that would be allowed. You’re a first year and the whole point is …’
‘Oh, nonsense. I’ve been here heaps of times. My brother, Ernest, is a second-year here.’
Caitlin’s eyes widened a little. ‘You’re Ernest Kelman’s sister?’
‘Guilty as charged!’ Ally said brightly, then laughed loudly.
‘So that means your … your dad is …’
Ally rolled her eyes, as if to say here we go again. ‘Yes, dearest Daddy, also known as Clive Kelman, Tory MP. One of Auntie Maggie’s closest chums. Major prick in private, though don’t tell the Telegraph I said that.’
‘I … I won’t,’ Caitlin said, looking a little starstruck. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to look equally impressed, but politics had never been
