be the first to admit that my feelings for Lewis had started out as pure lust when I met him at a South Beach nightclub. I always knew he was a smooth operator, the kind of guy you can’t completely trust in terms of a relationship. And that was okay, because I didn’t want anything serious with him. He was a guy I enjoyed spending time with because he was a lot of fun. Goofy. Whether pulling off lame Michael Jackson moves on a crowded dance floor or tickling me while we were naked in bed, he never failed to make me laugh.
I loved how I felt when I was out on his arm, the way women stared at me with envy. And I loved the passion we shared in the bedroom. He treated me well, wined and dined me in style. We had an easy rapport and some serious chemistry. And he got along well with Rayna, too, on the occasions when he’d come over and spend time with both of us.
After a while, what had started as lust had turned into love.
“What time should I come over?” Lewis asked, his voice husky.
“I’ll be fine, Lewis.”
“I’m not sure you should be alone right now. The first night is always the worst after a tragedy like this. Let me come by, hold you in my arms and help you sleep.”
“I can’t believe you. You are not suggesting we hook up tonight.”
There was a moment of silence, and I fully expected Lewis to deny my accusation—if only halfheartedly. Instead, he said in a low voice, “I miss you.”
“You’re unbelievable.”
“No, seriously, I do. In fact, I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, and how things ended between us. I feel really bad about that.”
I rolled my eyes. If I hadn’t moved on, Lewis’s words might actually have me taking a trip down memory lane. But I still remembered vividly how he’d told me we couldn’t be together because of Rayna. Actually, he’d used the lame excuse that Rayna’s father, my no-good ex, who only wanted to be a father when the mood struck, might come back into our lives, leaving him out in the cold, heartbroken.
Of course, he’d come up with this lame excuse after I’d found a red thong in his pocket.
At the time, I’d been crushed. Now, the absurdity of it all made me want to laugh out loud.
“Lewis, you’re a trip.”
“Let me come over.”
Because I knew him, and knew that he might just decide to drop by in hopes of seducing me, I lied. “I have plans.”
“You said you were spending a quiet evening with your daughter,” Lewis said, his voice full of doubt.
“Yeah, well…in all the chaos of the day I forgot that my sister said she was going to come over.”
“Tell her to come tomorrow.”
Something struck me, a thought I hadn’t considered before. “It can’t wait till tomorrow, because I have to contact the police about Eli. To make inquiries about his body. Nikki said she’d be there for me as I did that.”
“Oh.” Lewis sounded convinced, though unhappy. “Maybe after that?”
I heard a thud, then Rayna’s loud cry. “Lewis, I have to go. Rayna just fell.”
“Call me later,” he said quickly.
I hung up the phone and raced into the living room. My daughter was on her back on the hardwood floor, bawling at the top of her lungs.
“Oh, baby.” I lifted her into my arms and gently cooed, offering her comfort.
But as she cried, her raw emotion triggered the overwhelming sadness inside me that needed an outlet for release. It overpowered me, refusing to be contained any longer.
My own tears started to fall, my anguished cries mixing with my daughter’s.
chapter five
Thankfully, an hour later, Rayna fell asleep. I’d fed her, bathed her, read her a story, and then she was out like a light. It wasn’t like her to fall asleep before eight o’clock—trust me—but it was just what I needed, and I was grateful.
She was so tired, she didn’t even ask about “Daddy.” I knew the question would come, but hopefully, when it did, I’d be in a better frame of mind to answer it.
The phone hadn’t stopped ringing while I’d put together a quick dinner of chicken strips and broccoli, so I’d taken it off the hook. Now, I gave Rayna one last kiss on her forehead, content with the fact that she was sleeping peacefully, and made my way to the kitchen to replace the receiver.
By now, the reporters were certain to have given up in their attempts to reach me, and I needed to use my phone. I would have to call my sister because she had no doubt tried calling me. After that, I would contact the police and find out what a person was supposed to do when her fiancé had been murdered.
But before I did anything, I needed a glass of wine. I poured myself an extra large glass of white zinfandel, then went to the living room and plopped down on the leather sofa.
For several moments I sat there, unmoving. Myriad thoughts ran through my mind like little feet trampling my brain, leaving me with a headache. There was so much I needed to do, but I wasn’t ready for any of it. Alaina had asked if I’d told Rayna about heaven. I hadn’t, and maybe I should head out tomorrow to buy some books on the matter. Children’s books, of course—something that could explain the concept of death to a child.
Or I could simply tell her that Eli was gone on a trip. That was something Rayna would understand. Every day, if she asked, I could tell her that Eli was coming home soon. Surely, one day, she’d just stop asking about him….
I took a sip of my wine and frowned, knowing I couldn’t take the chicken’s way out of the scenario. However I explained it to Rayna, she needed to know that Eli wasn’t coming home. It would be grossly unfair to lead her on, and ultimately make her think Eli had abandoned us. Kids didn’t forget things like that, and I’d be guaranteed to foot the therapy bill later if I dared to venture down that road.
My thoughts were disrupted by the shrill ring of the telephone. There was a cordless handset on the coffee table beside the sofa, and I quickly glanced at the caller ID.
It was my sister’s home number. I inhaled deeply, then picked up the phone. I knew I’d have to talk to her sooner or later but, Nikki being Nikki, I wasn’t relishing the idea.
“Hey, Nikki,” I said, offering her the most upbeat greeting I could muster.
“When were you going to call me?” she demanded.
I counted to three before answering. “It’s been a crazy evening. The media is camped outside my building, my phone has been ringing off the hook.”
“I called at least twenty times.”
“I was just going to call you.”
A beat passed. Then my sister asked, “How are you?”
Wow, genuine concern. “I’m…okay. As
