one more and then we’ll head out?” Ben said.
Therese’s bottom lip dropped a little. I got the impression that she wasn’t used to Ben saying no to her. “I want to go now. We’ve got to be at my mother’s for brunch tomorrow, remember?” She sent me a look of triumph, clearly expecting me to be crushed by this news. Strangely, I wasn’t. In fact, I felt so much better now that Ben and I had had a normal conversation.
“Sure,” Ben said, “I was just updating Kelly on what’s going on at Bartley.”
“Great. Did you tell her that you made partner?”
Ben sent a quick, guilty look in my direction.
My good mood, my ease at talking to Ben, evaporated like steam. “What? When?”
“Last week,” Therese bragged.
I fought hard not to smack her.
“Is that true?” I said to Ben. I was the one who was supposed to make partner first. Me. Ben had started at Bartley two years after me. I was next in line. How had I gotten the ax while he was elected to goddamn partnership status? I felt my neck go red.
Ben nodded sheepishly.
“He deserves it,” Therese said. “He’s worked really hard and—”
“Excuse me,” I said. “Could you shut up for one minute?”
Her eyes narrowed, and she sent a glance at Ben as if to say, Are you going to let her talk to me like that?
“Kell,” he said. “Take it easy. It just happened. I didn’t even know it was coming.”
Something about the way he had said that, the way his words got incrementally softer at the end of the sentence and the way his mouth became tight, told me that he had damn well known it was coming. He probably knew back in May. For a horrified moment, I wondered if he’d known that I was going to be fired, too. I stood there, completely stumped for words, wishing my temper would take over and do something rash that I would later regret—something like head-butting Ben—but nothing came. Finally, Therese tugged on his sleeve.
He drained the rest of his beer. “I’m sorry, Kell. Good to see you.”
I searched my brain for a witty comeback, something that would erase the smirk from Therese’s face, but once again I came up blank. A pregnant quiet enveloped us.
“Ben, let’s go,” Therese said.
He hesitated, still standing before me as if he might say something else.
“Oh, please,” Therese said, before he got the chance. She clamped a hand on his arm and dragged him away.
When they reached the door, Therese disappeared through it, but Ben turned around and for the longest moment held my eyes.
My temper flared after Ben left, obviously the wrong time, but I was immune to a cure, and so I sat at the bar, boring poor Jess and Steve and Laney about the manipulative machinations of Bartley Brothers and the treachery of Ben, all the while trying to douse my anger with cocktails. Laney eventually wrenched the conversation away from me and back to Jess and Steve’s wedding, and they were happy to prattle on about place settings and invitations and the band vs. DJ debate until we got the “last call” shout from the bartender.
After Tarringtons closed, and Laney had convinced me that no convenience store in the city sold margarita mix, she and I lay snug in her king-size bed, gossiping maliciously about Therese, giggling about Ben not recognizing me, and rehashing—at least fifty times—my conversation with him. Although still pissed off about him being made partner ahead of me, about him possibly knowing that I would be fired, I felt much better now that I’d gotten my dose of rage. And oddly enough, I felt a tipsy contentment around me. It’d been eons since Laney and I had had a late-night chat like this, a fact that made me sad. It was Laney who’d been with me every step of the way though the traumas of high school, the newfound freedom of college and the often painful days of early adulthood, and yet it was Ben I’d ended up spending so much time with. Ben, who’d eventually decided that the time meant nothing.
“He is such a fucker,” I said, the margaritas making my tongue loose, causing me to repeat myself over and over.
Laney gave me a light smack on the arm. “Stop already. It’s unhealthy. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Name it.”
“Are you sure you’re all right with this no-memory thing? I mean, you’ve had a lot going on today, and it’s all right to fall apart.”
I turned on my side to face her. “I feel better than I ever have.”
“Well, don’t think that you have to put on a tough act. You can still fall apart if you want.”
“Nope. I’ve done enough of that.”
Laney was silent for a second, and I could hear the whoosh of cars passing by her building. “It’s just that something was definitely wrong. Something more than Ben and the job,” she said.
“It was obviously something that didn’t matter.”
“Maybe.”
Her tone made me feel a little chilly, and I buried myself deeper under her duvet. What was it that I hadn’t told anyone? Did it matter now? On one hand, if whatever it was could explain why I couldn’t remember this summer, I wanted to know it. For some reason, I truly wanted to learn why this odd memory loss had happened to me. But on the other hand, if I remembered those five months, wouldn’t I just slip back into that depression? I wanted the whys and the hows of the situation, but I feared the details. I felt as if my memory was a house of cards, wobbly and shaky and hollow inside. I was afraid that if I came too close to that emptiness, that missing time, everything would fall in on me.
“Look, Lane,” I said, “I’ve already spent too much time on whatever it was, and maybe that’s why I feel so good now, because I let myself be depressed until I couldn’t be depressed anymore.”
“Shouldn’t you try to figure out more about what was going on with you during that time? I could help you, you know. We could go talk to Ellen or somebody, maybe do some research.” Laney’s voice sounded so sweet, so helpful and slightly worried, and it made me tremble a little inside.
I squeezed her arm, as much to reassure her as myself. “It’s okay. As far as I can tell, nothing good happened during those months, right?”
“Right,” she said, a hint of doubt lingering in her voice.
“Right.” I rolled over, turning my back to her. “And what you don’t know can’t hurt you.”
6
On Sunday, I suffered an intense headache. I usually didn’t feel so bad after a night of drinking, but I probably hadn’t been drinking much for five months. I tried not to think about the headaches Laney had told me about, the ones I suffered during those months I was holed up in my apartment.
After Laney plied me with ibuprofen, she and I joined Gear and the rest of his High
