do anything for her dilemma. Witnessing the struggle Matt was having to stay focused certainly didn’t ease her mind.
‘I know it’s an imposition to ask you to see a patient in your free time so just say if you don’t want to do it, Cath…’
‘It’s fine. Really!’ She gave the most inane laugh ever but it was better than hearing Matt call her by that seductive little name again. Pushing back her chair, she hastily got to her feet. ‘I don’t mind in the least going to see him out of surgery hours, really I don’t.’
‘That’s very kind of you.’
Matt had himself under control again and she felt her knees go weak with relief when he turned and she saw that his face held nothing more than approval. ‘David is down for a visit tomorrow afternoon, as it happens. We usually pop in to see him on our free afternoons as it’s easier that way. I like to be at home with the children of an evening. It’s hard to find enough time to spend with them as it is.’
‘It must be,’ she agreed, as though bringing up a family was something she knew all about. Quite frankly, she couldn’t begin to imagine how hectic his life must be, taking care of his daughters, being, in effect, both mother and father to them. It should have made her see how lucky she was to have only herself to worry about and yet for some reason she didn’t feel lucky when she thought about it. There was no one for her to go home to after work, nobody to worry about or who would worry about her—nobody to love.
She blinked and her mind miraculously cleared. What on earth was she thinking? She liked her life exactly the way it was and having a family wasn’t something she had ever planned on doing!
‘It isn’t a problem,’ she said firmly, relieved to be back on familiar ground. ‘You can put me down for a visit tomorrow afternoon, if you like.’
‘Great! That’s a weight off my mind, I can tell you. I had visions of having to forfeit my afternoons off for the next twelve months. It would have been a nightmare because I can barely find the time to fit everything in as it is.’ He grimaced. ‘Heaven knows how I’m going to cope when Mum goes to Canada. It doesn’t bear thinking about!’
‘Canada!’ Catherine exclaimed. ‘Good heavens, when is she planning on going there?’
‘The middle of December. My sister, Cheryl, is expecting her first baby, you see, so Mum is going to stay with her until after Christmas. It’s taken me ages to persuade Mum that she should go but I know how much she wants to be with Cheryl. It isn’t fair that she should miss out because she feels she should stay here to help me look after the girls.’
‘How will you manage without her, though? Surely it won’t be easy, looking after the children as well as working?’ Catherine queried, thinking what a massive understatement that was. Just thinking about the logistics of caring for a family whilst doing a full-time job filled her with dread.
‘I’ve no idea.’ Matt grinned when she stared at him. ‘I shall just have to muddle through, I suppose. Fortunately, Becky is old enough to look after Hannah for an hour or so when they get home from school, so I shall have to try to be more efficient and get through my evening list on time. It should earn me a few brownie points with Margaret, if nothing else.’
‘Get through your list on time?’ Catherine repeated. ‘I’ll believe that when it happens.’
‘Are you implying that I’m tardy, Dr Lewis?’ he demanded, glowering at her.
‘Not at all. You aren’t tardy, Dr Fielding. You’re downright late!’
She gave him a teasing smile which wavered when she saw the expression on his face. There was laughter there, of course, but along with that there was something else…
She turned away, her heart racing as she tried to come to terms with what she had just witnessed, but it wasn’t easy to deal with the idea that Matt was attracted to her. She tried to tell herself that it wasn’t true but it was pointless lying after what she’d just seen. Matt regarded her not just as a colleague but as an attractive woman whom he wanted to get to know better. Whilst part of her rejoiced at the idea, another part flatly rejected it.
‘I’d better get sorted out,’ she murmured, conscious of his gaze following as she went to the door. ‘I’ve quite a few house calls to do this afternoon and I don’t want to be late getting back for evening surgery.’
‘Of course not, but don’t work too hard, will you, Cathy?’
Catherine didn’t say anything as she hurriedly left. She went straight to her room and picked up the pile of call slips Margaret had left for her. She needed to check through them so she could put them in order of priority.
The pieces of paper fell from her hands but she didn’t even notice. All she could think about was Matt’s voice when he had said her name just now: Cathy. Maybe the name could be applied to her but it certainly didn’t reflect the person she was or, rather, the one she tried to be. Cathy was the name of the woman she kept hidden away inside her.
That person didn’t need to be in control all the time. She didn’t set boundaries or live by any rules. Cathy didn’t have ambitions or goals to achieve. She was just a warm, caring, loving woman who longed to be loved in return; a woman who would do a job because it was the job she wanted to do; a woman who would love a man because—rightly or wrongly—he was the man she loved.
How Catherine envied that woman. How she feared her because it was the Cathys of this world who found true happiness yet the risks they took to achieve it were just too great. She had always known that she could be either Cathy or Catherine but that she couldn’t be both, and she had made her decision a long time ago which it had to be. Just because Matthew Fielding seemed to possess this power to disturb her, it wasn’t a good enough reason to start having second thoughts.
Catherine picked up the slips of paper. She quickly sorted them into order then left the surgery. It felt good to be back on course once more.
‘Matthew, it’s me, Catherine. Look, I’m sorry to phone you like this but I seem to have a bit of problem.’
Catherine glanced nervously over her shoulder when she heard a noise behind her but it was only a rusty old can being blown along the pavement by the wind. She huddled closer to the wall, wishing that she was safely back at the surgery.
It was almost four o’clock and she had never expected to still be doing house calls at that time of the day, but things hadn’t gone according to plan. A number of the calls she’d made that afternoon had taken far longer than she’d anticipated so that she’d been running late even before she’d arrived at the block of flats on the very edge of their catchment area. In contrast to the more prosperous streets she had driven through that afternoon, this whole area was very run-down. Most of the flats seemed to have been boarded up and there were mounds of rubbish strewn across the street. Although there was nobody about, she couldn’t deny that she felt extremely edgy.
‘What’s wrong?’ Matthew’s voice sharpened in concern and for some reason she found herself relaxing. It was strangely comforting to know that he was worried about her.
‘Would you believe that I’m lost?’ she replied, trying to damp down the warm glow that had flooded through her.
‘I’d find it rather hard, I have to admit.’
He laughed and she had a sudden mental image of him sitting at his desk in his office.
