hard, especially when I don’t de-de-deserve it.’ I blotted my leaking eyes. I tried to think how I could explain. It’s hard to tell your worst, darkest secrets to a stranger. ‘During the end of the marriage, there were … things … things that made it worse … you know … and now she says he’s seeing someone, already, and I guess it’s my fault …’
He was standing behind me and, for a moment, I felt his hand on my shoulder. ‘You mustn’t beat yourself up. A failing marriage is like a war, Rachel—you’ll both do terrible things, and neither of you will win. Even if your ex is seeing someone, it’ll be a rebound thing, a disaster. You know that.’
‘Hmm.’ I stared at my hands, thinking—he wouldn’t say that, if he knew.
‘I know,’ he said brightly, ‘why don’t you plan something off your list? I’ll get it.’ He took his hand away and I got a whiff of his sharp citrus smell, and it flashed into my head—number five: sleep with a stranger.
‘Sounds good,’ I said shakily, making a mental note to avoid that page. ‘But which one?’
He was leafing through the book, which I kept on top of the fridge. ‘How about stand-up comedy?’
I smiled. ‘Yes, I’m hilarious right now. Would you suggest the routine where I cry hysterically, or the one where I blow my nose loudly?’
‘I think you’re very funny. You always make me laugh when you’re talking to Max.’
‘Thanks. But I really can’t. Look at me, I’m not fit for anything right now.’
Patrick looked at me helplessly, like a gadget that he didn’t know how to fix. ‘Is there anything I can do?’
I blew my nose. ‘You’ve let me live here. That’s a massive thing. I know I’m not much fun, moping around listening to Magic FM, songs for saddos, eating all the biscuits …’
‘I’ve got an idea.’ He leapt up. ‘You sit here a minute.’ He went into the living room and I heard him scrabbling around. ‘Have you seen my iPad?’
‘It’s on the dock there.’
‘Great. Now wait a second.’ I heard more fiddling. ‘Oh, what’s wrong with this bloody thing? “Device cannot sync at this time”. What does that even mean?’
I sniffed. ‘You know, they said that about the Titanic too and look how that turned out.’
‘Hey, that’s good! See, you are funny. OK, it’s working. Wait there a minute.’
I waited in the kitchen. My eyes felt red and sore and I was starting to be embarrassed about weeping in front of him.
‘Hey, Rachel, what video is this?’ Patrick was standing in the doorway. He wore a black polo-neck jumper, and on top of his head was a pale-coloured swimming cap, making him look bald if you squinted. Music began to play from the dock. He opened his eyes up really wide and started to sing along. ‘It’s been some-thing hours and I don’t know how many dayyyys … since you took your love awa-a-ay.’
It was the video for ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’, which I’d been playing on a loop since I moved in. I smiled. ‘All right, I take your point.’
‘I’d just like to know though, what doctor is this she’s been going to? She’s already said she goes out all night and sleeps all day, and he’s advising “girl, you better have fun no matter what you do”? Fun is the last thing she needs. I’d like to know who this doctor is, so I can have him struck off.’
‘Yes, yes, very good. I’ll write it down for my comedy routine.’
‘OK, well, how about this? Up the tempo a bit.’
He fiddled with the dock, then took off the swimming cap, fluffed up his hair and pouted, dancing around by himself. ‘What are the words again? Something about working in a cocktail bar? Duh-duh duh-duh baby! Duh-duh duh-duh wo-oh-oh-oooh!’
‘Actually, we prefer the term “mixologist” these days. “Waitress” is kind of demeaning. I’m waiting on a callback about a part in EastEnders anyway.’
The swimming cap had left a red line around his forehead. ‘Are you cheered up at all?’
I thought about it. ‘A little bit.’
‘Good!’
‘Will you put the swimming hat on again though?’
‘I knew it. Latex—works every time with the laydeez.’
‘This explains a lot to me about why you’re single.’
‘Ha ha. So listen, will you think about the stand-up comedy? It must be on the list for a reason, and it’s a good place to start.’
I heard myself say, ‘I’ll do it if you do.’
‘Now, I’m recently single, so if you have any nice available friends … or brothers … or dads … granddads … I’m not too fussy. Seen all that stuff about Fifty Shades of Grey, eh? The trouble is, they don’t make erotica for bookish ladies like me. My idea fantasy would be this—I’m a librarian. A man comes in wearing braces and glasses. Hey, got a copy of Sylvia Plath’s Ariel? Which version? The one her damn husband didn’t butcher, of course. Then we roll around in the stacks discussing gender politics.’
I crossed all that out with a big X and wrote a little note to myself: THIS IS RUBBISH.
‘So, I’m recently single and I listen to a lot of Sad, I mean, Magic FM. You know in the song “Nothing Compares 2 U”? How great is Sinead O’Connor’s doctor, advising her to have fun no matter what she does? All mine ever says is, “Really, are you sure it’s just two to three units a week?” and “Come back in a week if it’s still itching.” Although I can’t help wondering if in her emotional state Sinead is confusing “doctor” with “low-rate pimp”.’ That was better. Maybe I could do a whole riff on how when you have a break-up you spend all your time listening to maudlin pop songs, and overanalysing the lyrics of them.
I think it was the promise of Patrick on stage that had made me say yes to the comedy. His uptight English manner making jokes and performing—I couldn’t picture it. So now I was neurotically writing down ‘comedy’. What was funny? I was getting divorced and effectively homeless and had no money—hilarious stuff! I’d have my own sitcom by the weekend.
Things that suck about divorce, number one hundred and forty-eight: there’s no one who knows you better than you know yourself, to tell you when, actually, you really can’t do something and should just stay at home and watch TV.
Patrick, with his annoying Type A personality, had already booked us into a weekend course by tapping two buttons on his iPad. He was as bad as Cynthia for actually making things happen. By lunchtime, all I had was a page of crossed-out phrases like ‘loose women—tight women, more like’ and stupid lists like ‘things you leave behind when you move out of your house after divorce (KT Tunstall CD,
