you at all.
When I woke up, it was the day after the first day of the rest of my life. No one ever talked about that. That’s the day when you have to live with your momentous decision, start redirecting post, unpacking boxes. My overwhelming wish was to lie in bed, sorrowfully dwelling on the terrible mess I’d made of my life. When you’re freelance, you see, you have those luxuries. But I didn’t get the chance, because I was woken at six by a tapping on the door. Mice? Ghosts? I cleared my throat. ‘Hello?’ Indistinct mumbling. A shy ghost? ‘You can come in!’
There was a fumbling and the door creaked open. In flew twenty pounds of overexcited dog. Max leapt up on the bed, where he rolled over with his feet in the air, indicating I could do as I wished with him. Sadly, it was only dogs who reacted this way to me in bed.
In the doorway stood Alex, holding yet more dripping daffodils. He wore one red welly, the other foot clad in a stripy sock, and a pretty on-trend onesie with Thomas the Tank Engine’s face on front. ‘Hello,’ I said.
‘’Lo.’ He stared at me out of his dark eyes.
‘Those are nice flowers.’
‘Flarrs for you,’ he muttered, darting in and crushing them onto my bedside table, where they left green smears.
‘For me? Thank you, Alex.’
‘Mummy likes flowers.’
Awk-ward. ‘I’m sure she does. And how is Max today?’
‘He’s not allowed on the bed.’
‘Is he not? He’s naughty, then, isn’t he?’
‘Yes. Can I come in the bed?’
‘OK. The more the merrier.’ Alex needed my help to get up, and I suggested he leave the remaining welly behind. He sat cross-legged, looking at me.
‘What’s your name?’
‘Rachel.’
I pitched around for four-year-old conversational topics. I liked kids but was still having conflicted feelings over whether I wanted them or not. Dan and I hadn’t even been able to manage a dog. I could feel the panic reach up in me from the pit—the one of ‘I’m broke and thirty and I’ll be alone forever’—so I focused on Alex. It’s hard to have existential horror when you’re with a four-year-old. They barely understand the concept of ‘tomorrow’ let alone ‘the rest of my miserable life’.
‘So who’s that on your onesie?’
‘’S Thomas.’
‘Oh yeah? Who’s your favourite person in Thomas?’
Alex and I were having a little chat about animated trains—I bluffed my way through, my sister has kids—when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and Patrick burst in. He too wore a onesie in a fashionable nautical stripe, a thick grey jumper on top. ‘Alex! I told you to leave Rachel alone. She was sleeping.’
‘No, she wasn’t,’ said Alex, with impeccable logic. ‘Brought her flarrs.’
‘Yes, we’ve talked about this, mate. We have to leave some of the flowers in the garden or there won’t be any more. Come on, get down. You too, Max.’ Child and dog slid off the bed. Max waddled out, wagging his little tail and wheezing. Alex clung to his dad’s hand. Patrick took a look at me, in my alluring sleepwear—Bruce Springsteen T-shirt, fleece pyjamas with sheep on. ‘I’m sorry about them.’
‘It’s OK. It’s a nice way to wake up.’ Then I worried he’d think I meant him in his onesie, so I quickly said, ‘Max and Alex, I mean—I’ve always wanted a dog.’
‘That’s fortunate, because Max is very hard to shake off. I found him inside my coat the other day. I’ll try to keep them both out of here.’ He looked round at the mess of boxes and bags, paintbrushes rolling on the desk, reams of paper stacked about the place. ‘You’re an artist, are you? I didn’t quite catch what it was you did.’
‘I’m a graphic designer really, but I used to also be a sort of freelance cartoonist. I do caricatures of people, for weddings and birthdays and that, and sometimes a bit for magazines.’ As I said it, I realised this sounded like the world’s flakiest career, like ‘vajazzalist’, or ‘toenail consultant’. I also realised the room was an absolute tip.
‘I’m not finished unpacking,’ I said hurriedly. I was not tidy. I liked to pretend it was something to do with my artistic temperament, but really I was just a slob and quite forgetful. I’d put down bits of toast and then wonder what happened to them and make some more. It used to drive Dan crazy. That’s how it goes, isn’t it? When you start out, when you’re in love, it seems as if these things could never matter, as if they’re just crumbs in the bed of your love. Then as time goes by, all you can feel is the crumbs. They’re itchy. They keep you awake. I suppose all those little crumbs become a big loaf in the end, rising between you, keeping you apart.
That wasn’t the best metaphor I’d ever come up with. Moving on …
Once I was up, showered in my lovely en suite, and had pushed some of the mess into the fitted cupboards, I stuck on Destiny’s Child’s ‘Survivor’ on a loop, looking for inspiration, and sat on the bed with a notebook to make a list. A list for the rest of my life.
I liked lists. They were my way of trying to put some order on the desperate mess of my life. In fact, I even had a list of my favourite lists, ones I’d been keeping for years:
I opened my notebook—a pretty one with a pink silk cover, my lists deserved the best—and chewed on my pen.
I’d thought my life was going to be all Volvos and trips to Sainsbury’s, dogs and mortgages and maybe babies in a few years. My friend from yoga suggested I think positively about all the things I could achieve now I was ‘on a different life path’—Buddhists are always saying things like this. For example, I’d always wanted to try lots of hobbies. Languages, maybe. Kick-boxing. That looked like fun and would come in handy with all the awful men I’d probably have to date now I was single. Oh God. Dating.
The thought was so depressing I crawled back under the covers, in my jeans and jumper, and lay there panicking about being alone forever.
After a while of this, the phone rang. It was Emma. ‘Hello! Are you lying in bed panicking about being alone forever?’
‘No. Well, yes, but least I got dressed.’
‘Good girl. Now, can you come over tonight? Cynthia has promised she’ll leave work by seven, and Ian will cook.’
‘Will you help me with my list?’
‘Which list is this?’
‘The list of what to do with the rest of my life.’
