out a sigh. She looked down to Kevin, still in his bouncer seat, and gave him a bright smile, sticking her nose out at him. She was rewarded by a slowly dawning smile.
“Okay,” she said, looking back at Ellington. He was still in the kitchen, cleaning up from dinner. “Tickets purchased. My flight leaves tomorrow at eleven thirty in the morning. You okay to pick little man up from daycare?”
“Yes. And that will start two days of absolute man-fueled debauchery. I’m afraid neither of us may ever be the same.”
She knew he was doing his best to keep her thinking positive. It was helping to some extent, but her mind was already on something else—one last errand she wanted to tackle before leaving DC.
“You know,” she said, “if it’s okay with you, I might get you to drop him off at daycare, too. I think I need to speak with McGrath.”
“You finally make a decision about that, too?”
“I don’t know. I want to go back. I don’t know what the hell else I would do with my life, honestly. But…being a mother…I want to give Kevin what I never had when it came to a parent, you know? And both of us working as FBI agents…what kind of a life would that be for him?”
“This is all heavy stuff,” he said. “I know we’ve talked it out a few times before, but I don’t think it’s a decision you need to make right now. I think you’re right; talk it over with McGrath. You never know what that man is thinking. Maybe there are ways around it. Maybe a…I don’t know…maybe a different role?”
“As in, no longer an agent?”
Ellington shrugged and came over to sit beside her. “That’s why I feel like I can actually understand what you’re going through,” he said, taking her hand. “I literally can’t see you being anything other than an agent.”
She smiled at him, hoping he knew just how good he was at knowing exactly what to say. It was just the boost she needed to pick up the phone and place a call to McGrath after hours. She hadn’t done it much in her career—and never when it wasn’t about a case—but she felt the urgency of it all of a sudden.
And it only grew stronger as she listened to the phone start to ring in her ear.
She fully expected McGrath to be irritated by meeting with her at such an early hour. But when she found his office door already open at eight o’clock, McGrath was already perched behind his desk. He had a cup of coffee in his hands as he went over a small stack of daily reports. When he looked up to her as she entered, the smile on his face looked genuine.
“Agent White, it’s so good to see you,” he said.
“Likewise,” she said, taking a seat on the opposite side of his desk.
“You look well rested. Is the baby finally on a normal sleep schedule?”
“Normal enough,” she said. She already felt awkward. McGrath was not one who typically engaged in small talk. The idea that he truly was glad to see her back in the building crossed her mind and made her feel almost guilty for the reason behind the meeting.
“Okay, so you asked for this meeting, and you have about half an hour before my next one,” he said. “What’s going on?”
“Well, my maternity leave is up next Monday. And if I’m being honest, I don’t know if I’m ready to come back.”
“Is it a physical thing?” he asked. “I know healing from a C-section can be exhausting and take a great deal of time.”
No, that’s not it. The doctors have basically cleared me for just about everything. If I’m being honest, I just feel torn about what to do.” She was alarmed to feel the stinging of tears at the corners of her eyes.
Apparently, McGrath saw them too, and felt for her. He did his best to appear casual as he leaned forward and spoke, looking away to give her the dignity of wiping her tears away before they escaped.
“Agent White, I’ve been with the bureau for almost thirty years now. In my time here, I’ve seen countless female agents get married and have children. Some of them left the bureau or, at the very least, took on a role with less risk. I can’t sit here and tell you that I understand what you’re going through because that would be a lie. But I have seen it. Sometimes it was with agents I would have never expected to walk away. Is this sort of where you’re headed?”
She nodded. “I want to come back. I miss it…more than I care to admit, really. I honestly don’t even know what I’m asking for. Maybe a few more weeks? I know that’s sort of asking for special privilege or whatever, but I just can’t make this decision right now.”
“The best I can do is to give you another week. If you want it. Or you can come back and I can just assign you something of a desk job. Research, numbers, mobile surveillance, something like that. Would that interest you?”
Honestly, none of it interested her. But at least it was something. It was McGrath giving her the proof she needed that there were options available to her.
“Maybe it would,” she said.
“Well, take the weekend to think it over. Maybe get away somewhere and sort out your thoughts.”
“Oh, I’m going somewhere, all right. Back to Nebraska for a visit.”
She wasn’t sure why she had told him that. She wondered if McGrath had always been this easy to speak to or if he perhaps had some kind of softer aura about him, making him more approachable. It was weird. She’d only been away for three months and McGrath suddenly seemed like a different person—more caring, more friendly.
“Good to hear it. Leaving Ellington alone with the baby? Isn’t that a bit brave?”
“I don’t know,” she said with a smile. “He seems to be looking forward to it.”
McGrath nodded politely but it was clear that his mind was elsewhere. “White…did you ask for this meeting to ask my advice? Or just to get a gauge on how I might react if you told me you were thinking of walking away?”
She only shrugged as she answered: “Maybe a bit of both.”
“Well, I can say without a doubt that I’d much prefer for you to stay. Your record speaks for itself and, as much as I hate to admit it, your instincts are almost supernatural. I’ve never seen anything quite like it in all my years with the bureau. I do believe it would be an absolute waste for you to leave your career behind at such an early age. On the other hand, I’ve raised two children—one boy and one girl. They’re both grown now, but raising them was one of the most enjoyable and rewarding experiences of my life.”
“I had no idea you had kids,” she said.
“I tend not to talk too much about my personal life while at work. But in a case like this, with something as valuable as your career on the line, I don’t mind giving you a behind the scenes peek.”
“I appreciate that.”
“So…go enjoy your weekend back home. Do you want to meet again on Monday to figure out what comes next?”
“That sounds fine,” she said. But Monday seemed every far away. Because as she got up from the chair, she knew that her next stop was the airport. And after that, she’d be back in Nebraska.
