closed her eyes again.
She dragged herself slowly upright and was soon hanging over the bowl, heaving nothing, but hit with the smell of her previous efforts. She retched until silver stars burst before her eyes. She hauled herself standing and turned on the shower, spending ten minutes washing her hair and body with six different products.
From her bedroom, her iPod alarm exploded full volume with Dropkick Murphys.
Let’s finish these drinks and be gone for the night Cos I’m more than a handful you’ll see So kiss me, I’m shitfaced …
Ren jumped from the shower and ran naked to turn down the volume. She dried herself with a towel from the floor, then threw on pink lace boy shorts, a matching bra, a black fitted shirt, black bootleg pants and black heels. She walked past her dressing table, a wave of nausea sweeping over her at the thought of makeup. But she gave in. Her day was already going to be bad.
She grabbed a clip with one hand, twisted her wet hair with the other and pinned it up. She sat down at the mirror and moisturized in slow motion. Her face was a blank canvas; dark skin, pale green eyes, high cheekbones. Somewhere in her past, there was Iroquois blood. She dragged her makeup toward her and applied a calm surface to the choppy waters.
Vincent was downstairs on the sofa reading the paper.
‘Hi,’ said Ren.
‘Appropriate song choice.’ His voice was flat.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Sorry about the volume.’
‘The volume?’ said Vincent, looking up.
Ren stared at him from across the room.
‘Is that it?’ he said.
‘Is what it?’ said Ren.
‘Have you nothing to say for yourself?’
Ren kept walking into the kitchen. She poured a mug of black coffee.
Vincent came in behind her. ‘Can you explain your behavior at least?’
‘OK,’ said Ren, turning around, ‘you’ve just used three sentences – in a row – that my mom used to say to me when I was, like, seventeen.’
‘Stop with the whole mom thing.’
‘Yeah, well, it’s true. That’s what you sound like. I’m sick of listening to you treat me –’
‘No, no, no. I’m sick. Of all of this.’
Ren opened her mouth.
‘Listen to yourself,’ said Vincent. ‘You are thirty-six years old and you sound like a child.’
‘Fuck you,’ said Ren.
Vincent held up his finger. ‘I can’t do this any more,’ he said. ‘You were way out of line last night.’
Ren put her hands to her ears. ‘Shut up. I don’t want to know.’
He pulled her hands gently away. ‘I know you don’t. But you went ballistic.’ He shook his head. ‘I tried everything.’
Ren remembered the start of the evening, her nice dress, her perfect makeup, her pinned-back hair, Vincent’s smile when he saw her walk down the stairs.
‘Did you see a work file around here anywhere?’ she said. ‘Did you tidy anything away?’
‘No, I didn’t.’
‘Shit.’ She put her mug down and strode around the living room, opening drawers and lifting up cushions. ‘Shit.’
‘It’s not there, OK? I cleaned the entire place this morning. Can we talk about last night?’ He was close to grabbing her wrist.
Ren glanced at her watch. ‘Shit. Sorry. I just don’t have the time.’
‘Tonight?’ she called after her as she ran into the hall.
‘No,’ said Vincent, following her. ‘No.’
‘OK. What did I do last night?’ she said, turning to him. ‘Tell me.’
‘It was more what you said.’
‘I was drunk. It doesn’t count.’
‘Yes it does,’ said Vincent.
‘Jesus, why can’t you just get that I say things I don’t mean when I’m drunk?’
‘Because it hurts, Ren. It fucking hurts, OK?’
‘But if you know what I’m saying is not true, how can it hurt you? I mean, that’s like me getting offended because you call me, I don’t know … something I’m totally not.’
‘Great, Ren. We’ve been over this before. You have a very simple way of looking at it. You think you can say what you like to me and I’ll be fine. But what happens is you totally hook me into your bullshit. You are so convincing. The way you say everything, I believe you. It’s like every time, you’re having an epiphany.’
‘Well, if you know it’s every time, why don’t you ignore it?’
‘For Christ’s sake, Ren, that’s just not how it works. Do you even remember what you said to me last night?’
Ren said nothing.
‘Well, at least I’m seeing the glow of pre-emptive shame,’ said Vincent.
‘That’s mean.’
‘Try this for mean: “Vincent, you’re dull is your problem. You’re conservative and stifling. You want me to be someone else. You can’t accept who I am. You stand there, you righteous prick, and try and tell me what to do? Fuck you, Vince. Fuck you, because you have no idea how to live. None. You court the sameness of life because it is safe. And you like safe.” All this, Ren, because I refused to buy the drunken lady here another vodka.’
Ren paused. ‘Well, it’s not like you are the most spontaneous guy in the world.’
‘Oh my God,’ said Vincent. ‘See? This is what I mean! This is why I believe you! Because in all sobriety, however many hours later, even you find the truth in what you were saying. At the same time as trying to claim you were drunk and senseless.’
‘I was senseless.’
‘What, but now you see the merit in your ramblings? Oh God, how many times have I had this conversation with you? It is so fucking painful.’ He stabbed a finger her way. ‘This is dull, Ren. This. You accuse me of being dull –’
‘Get some perspective –’
‘Me? Me? Jesus Christ. That’s it. I’ve had it. I cannot do this any more. I can’t. I give up.’
‘What do you mean, you give up?’
‘Exactly
