any anxiety-provoking occasion such as an exam or interview
controlling their temper in the face of frustration
re-motivating themselves with rewards and positive self-talk when they hit a rough patch or a setback
Would it be a dream to live with such a creature? No, of course not. In fact, I think it would be a nightmare! You might appreciate it for an odd day or two, but not I guess for much longer. You wouldn’t like to live with a paragon of consistent confident virtue anymore than they would like saints for their parents. So why did I ask you to visualize a teenager brimming with super confidence? Well, in self-development work I have found that even if our aim is to reach a good-enough standard 95% of the time, it is useful to have an image of perfection by which to judge our progress and inspire us to attain on the odd occasion!
About the Golden Rules
In the following chapter you will find the 21 Golden Rules for parents, which will show you step-by-step how to build a good-enough measure of inner and outer confidence in your teenager. Hopefully you will find the rules easy to remember so that they can be used as a day-to-day guide. As each rule contains a number of tips, I envisage that they could also serve as a checklist to consult when you encounter a problem that you feel overwhelmed by. I have devised the Golden Rules as ‘standards of excellence’ – reflecting on how you are measuring up against each Rule may give you an idea of where to start making some changes. But don’t forget, as I said in my introduction, this is a ‘rough guide’ and not a ‘bible’– it is good for parents, as well as teenagers, to break rules sometimes!
It is good for parents to break rules sometimes!
Rule 1: Teach by Example Before Giving Instructions
‘I tell myself time and again to overlook mother’s bad example. I only want to see her good points, and to look inside myself for what is lacking in her. But it doesn’t work…’
Anne Frank, Diary of a Young Girl
It is no coincidence that I have put this particular rule at the top of my list. I firmly believe that the single most important thing we can do to help our teenagers develop confidence is to ensure that our own is as strong and healthy as it possibly can be. Ironically, it is during this stage of parenting that our own confidence is often at its most rocky. Not only is it usually midlife crisis time for us personally and in our careers, it is also a time when, as parents, we are continually faced with daunting dilemmas and decisions that we know will have profound consequences on the future of our child. Rarely can we be sure that we will get it right.
‘Should we put our foot down now or will that make her more rebellious?’
‘I want him to be happy and enthusiastic about his work, but if I let him give up that subject, will it hold him back at University?’
‘If we ban smoking at home, won’t that make them go underground with it and then what?’
Once we have made up our agonized mind, we may then have to face a barrage of opposition. We can sometimes feel very isolated and alone. Even those closest to us may disagree with the line we take or the decision we make. Most of us find that over at least some issues we are on opposite sides of the fence to people who have hitherto been great sources of support and love. It’s not just our newly empowered and often rebellious teens who will tell us that we are most definitely wrong. Many of the people who have consulted me have found that, at the same time, they also have to face opposition from their other children, their partner, the grandparents, teachers and sports coaches.
‘Parents of young adolescents are often struggling with their own midlife crisis at the time when their children reach puberty.’
Laurence Steinberg with Wendy Steinberg, Crossing Paths
Being human, many of us will then find that our frustration gets the better of us. We start responding to this criticism in ways that we know we shouldn’t. For example, we might counter our teen’s ‘attack’ with equally hurtful putdowns, such as ‘That’s a bit rare coming from someone with a pigsty of a bedroom like yours’ or an authoritarian reminder of the limit of their power, such as ‘Don’t cheek me or you’ll be sorry’.
Perhaps teaching by example will be the best parenting tool you will ever have. It is likely to continue to wield its impact long after our children have left home, as these examples from adults with confidence problems illustrate.
Josie, a student from a small rural town, was in her first year at university in London – she was referred for counselling by her tutor who spotted that she was underachieving.
‘My parents hardly ever went anywhere. We lived in a quiet street and although the neighbours were very friendly, mostly we kept ourselves to ourselves. Both mum and dad are quite shy – I suppose I take after them. Mum was on pills for her nerves from the doctors most of the time. She’s not seriously ill or anything. She just gets very nervous and hasn’t got much confidence.
…I never went on any of the school holidays – mum would have worried too much and anyway, I know I would have been too homesick. Our holidays were taken in our own caravan and we usually went to the same spot in Brittany. Often my mum’s sister’s family came with us.
I’m not complaining. I had a very happy childhood. We’re a close family and I always got on well with my younger sister. She’s my best friend.
It was a real culture shock when I came here to university. I’d only ever been to London once or twice before – just to do the usual visits to the museums. I didn’t even have to come for an interview here.
…The girls in hall were very friendly; I suppose after a while I just retreated into my shell. I went out a few times but I felt silly – well, different, anyway. So I just started to make excuses.
But I don’t want to go back home. I like the course and my parents would be really upset if I quit. You see, I’m the first in the family to go to university – it’s funny, they think I’m really confident!’
Jill, a 37–year-old marketing manager, was seeking help because she was depressed.
‘I never thought I’d hear myself saying this but I’m just like my mother – though she’d be the last person to see it. I’m everything she’d like to be. She’s always telling me that she wished she had a life like mine. A busy job, always out meeting people and giving presentations. What she doesn’t know is I hate it. I’m in a panic the whole time. I am always worrying about what people think of me.
And I know I am often considered “stand-offish”. Boyfriends are always saying they can’t get through to me. That’s because I don’t let them. The truth is that I don’t like myself very much – so basically I am like my mother. I can remember getting really mad with her as a teenager when she put herself down all the time. Now I find myself doing just the same. I may not be doing it openly like her, but inside I’m always knocking myself…I don’t think I’ve ever been truly happy.’
Jim, a 29–year-old
