dating to the whole etiquette that lies behind online dating these days.’
‘Well, for starters, there’s your profile photo,’ said Jayne, our production assistant, shoving aside the dry rice cake she’d just been nibbling on, her usual mid-morning snack, while the rest of us were wolfing into bagels. But then, bless the poor girl, Jayne’d been on a diet for about as long as I’d been working here and had yet to lose as much as a single pound. ‘Oh God, but it all comes back to the photo, particularly with someone who lives overseas, because until you get to Skyping, that’s all you have to go on. Trust me; it’s make or break after that.’
‘Go on,’ said Aggie.
‘Rule of thumb is, you can’t bombard a guy with a whole holiday album full of them, no matter how skinny and tanned you happen to look. Three is the absolute max. Take it from one who knows.’
‘Preferably taken by a portrait photographer, with low- level lighting and professional hair and make-up on standby,’ Dermot chipped in, then as we all turned to look suspiciously at him, he hastily added, ‘well, not that I’ve done that myself, but I may just know one or two people who have.’
‘Remember though, a full body shot is essential,’ Jayne tossed back, then added, ‘sorry guys, but I didn’t lose two stone and go to Weight Watchers twice a week only to end up with a fatty. So is it too much to ask for a man who knows how to eliminate carbs?’
‘And maybe we could talk about how multi-dating is kind of frowned on in the real world, whereas online it’s actually considered quite OK,’ Maggie chipped in hopefully. ‘I mean, we all do it, don’t we? After all, the way I see it, this is really just a numbers game. More guys you’re talking to and messaging, the more likely you are to get a score.’
Nods from a lot of heads round the table and I smiled, but was very careful not to look like I was agreeing.
Yeah, I thought to myself, a tad smugly. Multi-dating may be all very well and good. Right up until someone incredibly special like Andy McCoy comes into your life, and then? Trust me. All the other messers will completely fade into insignificance.
‘Avoid giving a physical comment on the other person’s photo though, because I always think it comes across as being too clichéd,’ said Jayne. But then she hastily qualified it by adding, ‘For instance, saying something like “wow, you’re hot!” can very often backfire on you. You think you’re being complimentary, but it could be interpreted as meaning you’re just up for sex and not an actual full-blown relationship.’
‘… But be sure to comment on their written profile though, just to show that you’ve really had a decent look at it. Saying things like “I notice that …” and “I see that you’re interested in …” are always a good way to go,’ Maggie offered helpfully.
‘… Oh yeah, and you have to completely blank out dating rules in the real world. Because they just don’t apply online. For starters, if he messages you, don’t play hard to get and wait two days to get back to him because by then, trust me, he’ll have gone on to meet at least ten other people. Far, far better just to be direct and respond immediately. Remember, you’ve got a lot of competition out there,’ added Jayne.
‘… But, having said that, if you’ve messaged someone twice and there’s still no response, then it’s definitely time to delete and move on …’
‘… I find it’s a good idea to take it offline as soon as you can. Because if there’s zero chemistry over the phone, then you can be certain there’ll be zero chemistry when you first meet.’
So now it’s like the floodgates had opened and everyone was battling it out for airtime, as the rules and advice came in thick and fast.
‘Oh God! Then the first meeting. Absolutely critical. Goes without saying that dinner is way too long, especially if he turns out to be nothing at all like how he described himself …’
‘Agreed! Lunch is far better I find, preferably on a workday, so you always have the excuse of having to skedaddle back to the office. Even if it’s not necessarily true. In fact, there’s this great dating site called “It’sJustLunch” and I really think that if we’re going to segue from long- distance online dating to all these websites in general, it might be worth hooking them into the slot too …’
‘… Lunch? Are you joking? A whole hour out of my day? For some random stranger? No, a coffee is your best bet, trust me. Preferably in a Starbucks, where there’s plenty of people surrounding you, just in case he turns out to be a complete weirdo or a whacko …’
‘But always let a friend know exactly where you are and who you’re with beforehand. Then if everything turns out well, you can just slip off to the loo and text them anyway, just to let them know your body isn’t about to be dumped in the canal …’
‘… Ermm … if we could just move away from weirdos, whackos and getting dumped in the canal for a moment,’ I said to the room, thinking aloud more than anything else really. ‘Maybe then we could focus on if/when you get to that lovely stage of wanting to date each other exclusively. Because, if you ask me, at that point the etiquette is that you both take down your profiles and quit the site completely.’
‘Although if you do that and he doesn’t, then you’d better run a mile,’ groaned Jayne, rolling her eyes like she was speaking from bitter experience. ‘And of course it goes without saying that if things don’t work out for you, then it’s an absolute no-no to dump him online or via email. I did that one time and the bastard forwarded my email round to all his friends. It was bloody mortifying.’
‘Although, I guess even if things don’t work out for you,’ said Maia, who’d been noticeably quiet throughout all this, ‘then bear in mind that this guy might end up being a useful business contact for you. Not that I’d know or anything,’ she added with a too-bright smile. ‘Hugo and I are always saying how lucky we are to be out of the whole dating piranha pond. We don’t know how you all do it, really.’
‘Because no-strings sex is always so wonderful,’ Dermot grinned cheekily back at her to more than a few suppressed smiles.
‘OK, OK,’ said Aggie, taking control again. ‘Looks like we’ve really tapped into something here. Holly, can you get working on it quick as you can? We’ll open with long-distance dating as our lead item and roll it out to include online dating tips from there. Now come on people, what else have you got for me?’
*
Come lunchtime, long after the meeting had broken, I was in our tiny staff canteen – which is effectively more of a broom cupboard really – helping myself to a watery instant coffee and a mouthful of ham and Swiss panini. Next thing Dermot sidled up beside me, all tight Lycra gym gear and too-clingy spandex, arms folded and with more than a suspicious glint in his eyes, like he was onto me.
‘Well Missy,’ he said, cornering me so I couldn’t make a quick escape. ‘All that impassioned stuff back there, about just how magical long-distance relationships can be?’
‘Hmm?’ I said, delighted to have the excuse of a full mouth so I couldn’t answer him properly.
‘Spoken right from the heart, I noticed. So is there anything you want to tell your Uncle Dermot? Come on then. It’s not like I don’t tell you everything.’
That wasn’t any kind of a compliment by the way, Dermot tells everyone absolutely everything,
