our own child, growing inside me. I had naively thought it would bring us together, that Stephen and I would be okay. But then something had happened. Something unexpected.
Zoe was born and I cried. Stephen had looked at me then as if I were the most unnatural woman he had ever come across. I wanted to love Zoe, but I couldn’t reconcile this screaming, red-faced alien with the wonder and excitement I’d felt being pregnant. Whenever I thought about my reaction to Zoe entering the world, I was filled with a gnawing sense of guilt and betrayal. I tried to explain to Stephen that I didn’t feel like my normal self, that it felt like another woman had entered my body and was mechanically going about the day-to-day duties of childcare. I could only describe it as an out of body experience. Stephen plucked Zoe from my arms the moment she was wrapped in the blanket by the midwife, and held her tight, as I turned my head and soaked the pillow with tears.
My mobile rang, cutting through my thoughts. I picked it up, my hand shaking and clamped it to my ear in an attempt to control my nerves. It was Stephen.
‘Hi,’ I said, injecting a false cheeriness into my voice. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Are you at home?’ His voice sounded panicked, and I felt a prickle of guilt and anticipation crawl over my body.
‘Yes, why?’
He exhaled loudly. ‘I texted Zoe last night from the conference to see how she was getting on but she hasn’t replied. Is she okay? Was she okay with you last night?’ He coughed. ‘I mean, I know how hard she’s finding college at the moment, so I worry, you know.’
My heart started to drum in my ears. I didn’t know what to say: I couldn’t admit to not being here last night, to leaving only a voicemail for Zoe, not actually speaking to her, saying I was fine with her staying at Keira’s house as she’d asked.
‘She was fine, as far as I could make out,’ I lied.
‘Oh, okay, well maybe she’ll give me a ring later?’
‘Yes, of course. I’ll let her know you’re worried.’
I willed him to ask me how I was, but he didn’t and hung up.
The clock by the bed read nine a.m. On any ordinary Saturday, I would be getting dressed, listening to the giddy chat of Stephen and Zoe in the kitchen as they discussed their plans for the day. Today the house was cloaked in an unbearable silence. I almost wished I hadn’t left the warmth of Robert’s body, his legs wrapped around me as he slept, while I had watched his face, so youthful – so smooth – twitching ever so slightly as he slumbered. I texted Zoe asking if she was okay and headed downstairs with my laundry, careful to remove the lacy bra from my bag and pop it in the wash, too. I needed to erase all the evidence. I could often smell Robert on my skin and it fed my paranoia around Stephen and Zoe.
I sat at the table, grabbing a loaf of bread off the side, idly picking at it. I realised I hadn’t eaten since yesterday lunchtime because, when I was with Robert, we generally forgot about food, about anything that existed on the other side of his bedroom door.
The landline rang and I rose, immediately tensing at the thought of Stephen asking about Zoe’s whereabouts again.
‘Hello?’ I answered coolly.
‘Oh hi, it’s Keira.’
‘Hi, Keira,’ I said, frowning, irritation flooding my body, at the sound of her voice. I wished I could be fonder of Keira, but I’d always blamed her for leading Zoe astray.
But then, as quickly, I realised that Keira was phoning for Zoe, which meant Zoe couldn’t be with her.
‘Is Zoe there?’
‘No,’ I said, guilt beginning to eat away at my conscience, a fluttering of anxiety starting at the base of my throat. ‘I thought she was with you?’
‘She’s not.’ Keira hesitated. ‘We were going into Oxford today and I wondered what time she wanted to meet.’
‘Didn’t Zoe stay with you last night?’
‘No, why?’
‘We spoke yesterday on the phone and she said she was going to stay overnight with you,’ I lied again.
‘Oh.’ Keira hesitated. ‘We didn’t even see each other yesterday.’
‘What?’ Panic cloyed at me. ‘What do you mean? You saw her at college, didn’t you? Don’t you have film studies together on a Friday?’
My mind was running at speed.
‘Yeah, but she didn’t turn up. I texted her and she said she was ill.’
My stomach grew queasy and I gripped the kitchen counter, my knuckles turning white.
‘Keira, she wasn’t ill yesterday. Or, at least, she wasn’t at home.’ Of course, I couldn’t be sure about this but if this was one of Keira’s silly little games, I needed to nip it in the bud now.
‘How would you know?’ I heard the accusatory tone in Keira’s voice. This, I thought, was why I had never liked Keira. ‘Zoe told me you’re barely at home these days, always getting to work early or staying late.’
‘Keira.’
‘Well, Mrs Hall, she didn’t stay with me last night and she’s not answering my texts.’
I picked up my mobile, praying it would show one unread message from my daughter, but there was nothing.
‘Keira,’ I said quickly, ‘can you ring around your friends, maybe look in places you’d ordinarily go to?’ I paused. ‘When did you last see Zoe?’
‘Thursday. We had a study day to do coursework.’
‘So you guys were at college?’
‘Not exactly.’ She sounded hesitant.
‘Keira, come on, I need to know if you’ve got Zoe into trouble again.’
‘Not being funny, but I just rang to speak to Zoe, not to get an earful from you, Mrs Hall.’
I tried to keep my voice level but it was hard; Keira was holding out on me. As ever, I had a feeling she had led my daughter down the wrong path. ‘I just need you to tell me as much as possible. We need to track Zoe down.’
‘We went to that farm up the road.’ She paused. ‘We were just hanging out. That’s it.’ She sounded sheepish, ‘Anyway, that was the last I saw of her.’
My mind pictured the dilapidated bungalow and surrounding fields: Rook Farm. Why on earth would they be hanging around up there? It struck me as odd that they would go back up there after what had happened only months ago. When they were younger, they used to play the game Truth or Dare, and it was only recently that I discovered they still played it, only now the truths and the dares were no longer innocent childhood fun and, because of their film course, they would often video themselves. I was still resolute in my certainty that Keira had led Zoe astray.
‘I don’t believe Zoe would have chosen to go there, Keira. Not after what happened. So what were you doing there?’
