‘Why else would he say he was sorry?’ She sees Amanda’s expression. Her sister obviously still thinks there’s no way these messages could have been written by Greg.
‘For dying?’ Emily sees Amanda shoot a warning look at Matt. ‘Maybe it’s a conspiracy,’ he goes on. ‘What if someone’s trying to push you over the edge, Em? Perhaps you have something that someone needs.’
‘Like what?’ Emily asks.
‘I don’t know. Information?’
‘Oh, Matt, shut the fuck up,’ Pippa says. ‘Go and order us some more drinks. An orange juice for me, a Perrier for Emily and a glass of Chardonnay for Amanda.’
Emily suddenly feels like a gin and tonic, even though she has only ever had one before, but she says nothing. She slips Matt a twenty-pound note and he saunters off towards the bar.
‘How long is he staying?’ Amanda nods towards Matt.
‘Just overnight. He’s taking Mum back down to Devon tomorrow morning.’
‘Had enough of her?’ Amanda grins knowingly.
‘She means well, but I need to be alone for a while.’
‘I still can’t believe Greg told you he’d had an affair. Did he say anything else about it? Did he talk about his mistress?’ Amanda’s smirk has disappeared and her face is serious.
‘I don’t think so. I don’t remember him saying any more than that.’
‘Greg’s Facebook account may have been hacked,’ Pippa says.
‘What on earth for?’ Amanda argues. ‘No one has attempted to extort money from Emily or anything like that.’
‘Well, what other explanation can you come up with for her harassment?’
‘Harassment? It’s only two Facebook messages.’
‘Purportedly sent by her late husband.’
‘I’m starting to wonder…’ Amanda turns to her sister. ‘No, perhaps we should talk about it later.’ She nods, almost imperceptibly towards Pippa.
‘No, it all right,’ Emily says. ‘You can say it now.’
‘Well, you mentioned you were having trouble sleeping. When you were a teenager, you developed a dissociated personality.’
Oh no, here we go, Emily thinks.
‘Dissociative disorders can be triggered by trauma, you know,’ Amanda continues, placing her hand on Emily’s knee. ‘And you’ve just suffered another distressing event with Greg’s death. Do you think it could be happening again?’
‘You mean, have I been writing these messages to myself?’ Emily tries to keep the indignation out of her voice.
‘Well, is it possible? It could be a perfectly normal part of the grieving process. You obviously don’t want to let Greg go, and so you’re acting subconsciously to keep him alive.’
‘That doesn’t sound very normal to me,’ Pippa says.
Amanda adds, ‘The message said: “It’s me, Em.” Think about it. “Me” is “Em” spelt backwards.’
No one speaks for a moment while this sinks in. Matt arrives with the drinks and distributes them around the table. Emily looks out of the window at the rain again. She thinks the weather reflects her mood. She feels like crying.
‘That’s called a reverse palindrome,’ Pippa says eventually. ‘A word that spells a different word in reverse.’ Matt sighs and rolls his eyes at Emily. She manages to give him a tiny smile.
‘You said yourself that you were the only person who knew Greg’s password,’ Amanda says.
Emily feels the colour slowly drain from her face. Greg’s password is ‘ecilA0891’. Her middle name followed by her year of birth. Backwards.
Emily chews one of her nails. Is she dissociating? Could there be any truth in what Amanda has said? Or is this the sort of conclusion her sister would naturally make as a psychiatrist? Not for the first time, Emily is frustrated that her sister seems to think this is all the product of her imagination.
A thought suddenly occurs to Emily. A memory from the past. She shivers as if an icy draught has blown over her. She has buried all that. It isn’t meant to resurface. It can’t be her. She tries to push the suspicion out of her head. But it would make sense. It would explain the sleeping problems and the memory gaps. It might even explain the unexpected desire for an alcoholic drink. All this is so unlike Emily. She hasn’t been feeling herself, but surely that’s normal given the circumstances? No, it’s not her. She doesn’t exist.
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