we knew what they know, had experienced what they have experienced and wanted what they want, then we would probably be acting as they are acting, even though from our perspective (first position), their behaviour may seem strange. This does not justify their behaviour, but it does make it understandable.
Satisfying relationships are built by rapport, not agreement.
How do you build rapport?
By taking a genuine interest in another person.
By being curious about who they are and how they think.
By being willing to see the world from their point of view.
| RAPPORT AND TRUST |  |
Trust is an abstract concept, but without it we could not live together, do business together or feel safe. Like rapport, trust is built in a relationship, however it is possible for you to trust someone without them trusting you in return. It is like a gift you bestow on another.
Again, like rapport, trust is not something you either have or do not have. There are degrees. Trust comes from the Old Norse word traustr, meaning ‘strong’. The same root gives the word ‘true’. We trust when we believe someone will be strong – that is, they do not let us down, we can ‘lean on’ them – and we trust what we believe to be true. Other people trust us when they believe we are strong and will not let them down. A relationship of mutual trust can only happen between two strong people. While rapport can be built immediately, trust takes time. We need to test the strength of the other person, gradually giving them more to see what happens. A relationship based on mutual trust is one of the most satisfying relationships possible.
While rapport is an investment, trust is a risk and a delicate dance with another person that takes time to manifest. How much do you have to know a person in order to trust them? Will they let you down? How strong are they?
We usually judge by hindsight. If someone lets us down, we may blame ourselves and not take that risk again or we may blame the other person for not meeting our expectations.
People have different thresholds for trust. Too low a threshold and you will trust too easily and may be let down often. Too high a threshold and you want another person to give too much before committing yourself. Few people will qualify for your trust and this can be emotionally isolating.
One of the hardest choices about personal relationships is whom to trust, how you decide to trust and how vulnerable you are prepared to be in order to trust.
| PACING AND LEADING | |
To build rapport and good relationships, you have to begin by pacing another person. Pacing is when you enter the other person’s model of the world on their terms. It is exactly like walking beside them at the same pace. Too fast and they have to hurry to keep up with you, too slow and they have to hold themselves back. In either case, they have to make a special effort.
Once you have paced another person, established rapport and shown that you understand where they are coming from, then you have a chance to lead them. Leading is when you use the influence that you have built up from pacing. You cannot lead a person unless they are willing to be led and people are not willing to be led unless they have first been adequately paced.
To extend the metaphor, once you have walked at someone’s pace so that they are comfortable, you can change your pace to one that suits you better and they will be more likely to follow your lead.
Pacing Yourself
You also need to pace yourself. Sometimes we are quick to apply NLP skills to others, but not to ourselves. Often we do not respect or try to understand our own experience but expect to be able to change dramatically with little preparation. Pacing your own experience is paying attention to the intuitions you have about others, looking after yourself when you feel ill rather than soldiering on regardless, and appreciating the present moment rather than jumping into future plans and outcomes too quickly.
Pacing is the equivalent of understanding the present state in order to build a more appropriate and empowering desired state.
For any successful change in yourself or others, pace … then … lead.
| MATCHING AND MISMATCHING | |
You pace and build rapport through ‘matching’. Matching is when you mirror and complement an aspect of another person. It is not copying, it is more like a dance. When you match, you show you are willing to enter the other person’s model of the world. They will intuitively perceive this and so you can feel more at ease with them and they will feel more at ease with you.
Matching can be done at every neurological level.
The Environment
Rapport at this level is usually superficial and comes from working in the same building or for the same company. Here you match other people’s expectations about dress code and personal appearance. For example you would not go into a business meeting without being properly dressed in business clothes, as you would lose credibility immediately. Sharing interests and friends also helps to build rapport at this level.
Rapport on the environmental level is often the first point of contact. It ‘gets you in the door’.
Behaviour
Matching at the behaviour level means matching another person’s movements while maintaining your own identity and integrity. It is like a musical duet – two people do not play the same tune, they harmonize to produce something greater. Look around in restaurants or parties where people are meeting socially and you will see that they intuitively match body language, particularly eye contact. Very good friends will often be seen in very similar postures and lovers will stare into each other’s eyes and often breathe in unison.
There are three important elements to matching on the behavioural level: body language, voice tone and language.
You can gain rapport by matching:
breathing pattern
posture
gestures
eye contact
You can match:
speed of speech
volume of speech
rhythm of speech
characteristic sounds (e.g. coughs, sighs and hesitations)
Matching voice tone is very useful for building rapport on the telephone, where you only have the auditory channel,
