makes perfect.’
Even though you’re not in the house, I feel close to you.
There are traces of you everywhere. Earlier, I found one of your hairs clinging to the sleeve of my shirt. I held it up to the light, examining the caramel shade, surprised to see the root bearing a hint of grey.
In the recycling bin, I found a screwed-up Post-it note, reading, Focus! No internet! I smiled at that because I can imagine how much self-discipline must be required as an author. What pressure you must be under to deliver an exceptional second novel.
We are all waiting for it.
I remember reading your debut for the first time. It blew me away. I read it in one sitting, pinned to the chair. The beauty and skill of the story, the racing pace. It left me breathless.
You’ve signed my copy at the front, a looping signature with a kiss.
I went to one of your book signings, I watched you from the back of a snaking line.
I studied the dip of your head as you bent to sign each copy, hair falling forward over your shoulder. You were smiling, chatting to readers as you asked their names, asked who you should dedicate each book to.
It was only when I looked closer that I noticed it – the way your legs were shaking beneath the table.
‘A novel is about truth: both seeing the truth and writing the truth.’
Author Elle Fielding
‘It’s my pleasure,’ Laura says, addressing the room, ‘to introduce local author, Elle Fielding. Her debut novel has sold over half a million copies and has been translated into a dozen languages.’
My gaze flits across the room, taking in the audience. Every single seat is occupied – and a cluster of latecomers are standing at the back, obstructing the exit.
Breathe, I remind myself. Smile.
As I scan the crowd, a face on the front row causes me to freeze. Mark is sitting with an arm slung over the seat back, one ankle balanced casually across his knee. He smiles lazily.
What the hell is he doing here?
I snap my gaze away. Laura is now saying, ‘Not only is Elle a bestselling author, but if you happen to follow her on Facebook, you’ll also know she’s a passionate sea swimmer and has a killer eye for interiors. Be warned: house envy may ensue.’
There is a ripple of laughter from the audience. I don’t need to look at Mark to know he is smirking.
‘Also, if there are any budding writers in the room tonight – like me,’ Laura adds with a giggle, ‘Elle shares brilliant writing advice in her weekly Facebook Live videos – so tune in.’ She snatches a breath. ‘Before I sound any more fan-girl, please put your hands together for the very lovely and incredibly talented Elle Fielding!’
I propel myself forward, nodding my thanks at Laura, then anchor myself beside the small table where my novel and jug of water are positioned. As the applause settles, I reach for my notes.
They’re not there.
A swell of panic rises, hot and rapid.
I fan through the pages of my book, trying to maintain my smile. The notes were inside the cover when I arrived – I checked.
I can feel my heart pounding against my ribcage. I cannot do this without them.
‘Just a moment …’ I say, crouching down and casting around beneath the table, in case the notes have slipped from the leaves of the book. Then I check my handbag, but they are not there either. All the while I can feel the collective stare of the audience pinned to my back.
My notes had been in the book when I’d placed it on this table – I know it. Someone must have moved them.
I get to my feet. Face the audience.
Has someone here taken them?
‘I seem to have misplaced my notes.’
Mark catches my eye, smiles.
‘Did you move them?’ The words have escaped before I can stop them.
The attention in the room shifts to him.
He opens his palms. ‘Course not.’
Someone clears their throat loudly. I turn and see Laura twisting the pendant of her necklace, nodding at me lightly as if to say, Go on.
‘Who needs notes anyway?’ I say, attempting to sound light-hearted, but I can tell from the expressions in the audience that it comes out wrong.
Breathe. Smile. Speak slowly.
I need to get my nerves under control, buy myself a minute to think. ‘Where do ideas come from?’ I ask, tossing the question to the room.
A hundred pairs of eyes look at me blankly. Maybe the question needed context. Sweat is building under my arms.
‘I … I’d like to talk about where ideas originate – and how we turn those into a story. So, where do you think authors – or indeed artists or musicians or … or other people – get their ideas from?’
There is a murmur among the audience as they seem to consider answering. Eventually an arm is raised at the front. From the periphery of my vision I know it is Mark. I wait a few moments, but when no other hands are lifted, I have to say, ‘Yes?’
‘From a sea view.’
A ripple of anticipation travels through the crowd.
In a slow, cool voice, Mark continues, ‘I’ve read that the sea helps people think creatively. It’s healing, apparently, to have a view.’
I murmur something in response. I don’t even know what. There’s a pressure building in my chest. I look towards the exit – but it’s blocked by a small crowd who are standing at the back of the room. The pressure tightens, reaches into my throat, squeezes. I cannot get enough air.
Everyone is watching. Waiting for me to say something. To be Elle Fielding, bestselling author. But I’m frozen. That person has left me.
‘Perhaps,’ someone in the audience says, ‘ideas come from the people around us.’
It is Fiona.
‘It
