“Too much mopping!”
“Well, I’ll open it, then.”
“I wouldn’t if I was you.”
“Why?”
“I just blew off in there.”
“You did what?”
“I did a bottom burp in the cupboard so all the stuffed animals wouldn’t have to smell it. It’s a really stinky one. It would have peeled the paint off the walls.”
“That doesn’t explain why you were talking.”
“I was talking to my own bottom.”
“You were talking to your bottom?”
“Giving it a jolly good telling-off, Mr Clout, sir.”
Elsie had to put her hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing. This lady really was dotty.
“I have never heard so much nonsense in all my life!” thundered Clout. “Now step aside, woman, or I will be forced to use… force!”
The girl heard a slight scuffle.
“OOF!”
“OUCH!”
“GET OFF ME FOOT!”
As fast as she could, Elsie nestled herself in behind the mops and brushes.
Clout peered inside the dark and dingy cleaning cupboard. His hulking frame all but filled up the doorway. He had huge hobnailed boots on his feet, so polished you could eat your dinner off them. The man covered his nose.
“It don’t half reek in here!”
That was Elsie’s pong.
“Tell it to my bottom,” replied Dotty.
Just then, something caught the man’s eye among the mops and brushes.
“What’s this?” he said, pointing at the girl’s hair poking out.
“That?” asked Dotty innocently.
“Yes, that.”
“Oh, that! That is one of my new real-hair mops.”
“Real-hair mops?” asked Clout.
“Yes. It’s great for those areas me everyday mops can’t reach. Like between the dinosaurs’ toe bones.”
“I don’t think I can bear that stink a moment longer,” said the man, his eyes watering.
“I did warn you, Mr Clout, sir. Me blow-offs are really something.”
“They should have their own museum,” mused Clout. “THE UNNatural History Museum.”
“Very good, Mr Clout, sir,” she said as she slammed the door shut. “It’s always lovely talking to you, but, if you will excuse me, I need to give the dodo eggs a good spit and polish.”
“Dotty?”
“Yes?”
“You need to get something for that bottom of yours.”
“I’ll invest in a cork.”
“Then we’ll all have to wear tin helmets in case you pop.”
“That’s a good point, Mr Clout. I’ll try and think of something!”
“Get to work!”
“You get to work!”
“I can’t get to work until you get to work.”
“Well, you tellin’ me to get to work is stopping me from getting to work.”
“GET TO WORK!” thundered the man.
Dotty picked up her mop, and began cleaning the floor. On purpose, she ran the dirty mop over his highly polished hobnailed boots.
“Me boots!” he cried.
“OOPS! Sorry!”
“Stupid old hag!”
“Less of the ‘old’, please, Mr Clout.”
“I need to get these boots sparkling for the visitors.”
“Yes, that’s why they all come to the Natural History Museum, Mr Clout, sir. They don’t come to see the dinosaur bones. They just want to see their own face reflected in your boots. You better buff ’em up, good and proper.”
Clout gave the cleaning lady a filthy look before marching off down the corridor to make someone else’s life a misery.
After a few moments, Dotty opened the cupboard door.
“Phew!” said Elsie. “That was close.”
“If I know Clout, he’ll be back.”
“I’d better get out of here.”
“Are you sure you’ll be all right?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll find somewhere else to hide tonight.”
“If you’re sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“Folk will be trickling in soon. Now would be a good time to make a swift exit.”
“I gotta ask you something.”
“Yes, dearie?”
“Why have you been so kind to me?” asked Elsie.
“Why not?” came the simple answer.
The pair shared a smile before the girl shuffled off down the long corridor.
“Take care, little one,” called out the cleaning lady after her. “And please come back and see me very soon.”
“I
