the front of the class, folds her arms, purses her lips and shakes her head slowly.
KIRSTEN: I just don’t think it’s right messing ’bout with nature, miss. They should leave it alone.
TEACHER: Okay, but what about some of the positive effects of genetic engineering, like being able to grow disease-resistant crops?
KIRSTEN: I just don’t want a carrot that’s been messed ’bout with on my plate. It don’t have to be perfect and all that…
HALEY: Yeah, it doesn’t need to be straight.
TEACHER: Okay, has anyone here heard of the suicidal potato?
CLASS: The what?
TEACHER: Scientists have created a suicidal potato. Basically it recognises when it’s become diseased and kills itself off to stop the disease spreading through the rest of the crop.
A wave of oohs and ahs.
KIRSTEN: Oh no, that’s all right, miss! That’s more heroic, innit? I’d be proud to have that on me plate.
On a commuter train travelling between West Croydon and Balham, a husband tries to read as he is talked at by his excited wife.
WIFE: Darling, you never listen to me about things like this but you have to listen this time! If property prices in Battersea are going through the roof then it’s obvious that Balham will be next. Where I used to live, Blandfield Road; beautiful terraces, close to the tube, good school on your doorstep, Wandsworth Common just up the road…I’m telling you, if we bought a couple now we could make a killing! We’ve got to do this, Roger, it’s one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities…And the real beauty of it is, nobody else knows about it!
HUSBAND: I think they do now, dear.
A young girl reacts to the news that mummy and daddy are splitting up.
ELLA: After Christmas, Mummy, can we get a new daddy? Joe was nice…
A couple fondly reminisce outside Ely Cathedral.
WOMAN: I mean, he was just a wizard on that flute.
MAN: Was he the bloke we saw at the Guild Hall?
WOMAN: No.
MAN: Oh, d’you mean the bloke at…You know, the one we saw at that theatre.
WOMAN: Noooo.
MAN: I know who you mean! That fella we saw at the outdoor concert.
WOMAN: That’s him!
MAN: Oh yeah, he was fablus, wasn’t he? Really fablus!
A man visits his doctor with an ear complaint.
DOCTOR: Have you had this kind of trouble before?
MAN: No.
DOCTOR: Are you a wheezy type?
MAN: I have very mild asthma. Nothing serious.
DOCTOR: Right well, let’s have look then. Good ear first…Aha. And now the bad ear.
MAN: Ow!
DOCTOR: Oh yes, it seems quite inflamed. Does this hurt?
MAN: Ow, yes!
DOCTOR: Right. So have you been using a cotton bud in there or anything?
MAN: No, nothing like that.
DOCTOR: Hmm. Matchstick?
MAN: No.
DOCTOR: Pencil? Pen?
MAN: I’m absolutely positive that I haven’t put anything at all in my ear.
DOCTOR: Well, it’s worth asking. You wouldn’t believe some of the things I encounter in this job. Tell you what, I’ll make you out a prescription for some antibiotic ear drops. That should do the job…Knitting needle?
MAN: I’m sorry?
DOCTOR: You didn’t use a knitting needle at all?
MAN: No, nothing at all.
DOCTOR: Okay then. Right, there you go. That’s two drops, three times daily. Just sort of waggle it around gently with your finger to make sure it all gets in and come back if that doesn’t do the trick, okay?
MAN: Thanks very much…I assure you I haven’t put anything in my ear that I shouldn’t have.
DOCTOR: Oh I believe you. It’s just unusual that’s all…You didn’t have a swipe around with a bus ticket, then?
An elderly northern man is talking about his youth.
MAN: Me Dad were a miner, so he spent most of his working life down t’pit. But when he were topside, on a Sunday like, he fancied himself as a bit of an outdoors man. When it were fine he’d take us in t’countryside for some fresh air. Said it helped his cough like. Somehow he’d always make sure there were a stream for us to play in and he’d make a big thing about taking a drink out of it. He’d say, ‘Lord there’s nowt finer than Yorkshire watter.’ He drank gallons of the stuff. Anyway, this one day he fancied walking a bit further, so after we’d built a dam and he’d had his usual drink, we toddled off upstream. Course we ’adn’t gone far when we sees this bloody sheep in t’stream, didn’t we? Swelled up like a bloody beach ball it were. Must have been dead for days. He weren’t so keen ont’watter after that, I can tell thee.
A rather brash young woman is walking through a very select area of west London with her hounded-looking grandmother.
WOMAN:
