your point.
Dear [Me/Suspicious Client/Stubborn Relative],
Regardless of my own opinion, I’d like to help you [make a decision/spend a lot of money/pass an exam/get your head out of your ass] by giving you a brief rundown of the [pros and cons /fact and fiction/details I know backward and forward]. If you happen to have strong [insert emotional noun] about this situation, I hope you will weigh them objectively while considering their likelihood, and add them into your overall equation.
Good versus Bad Things upon Which to Base Your Self-Esteem
| Good Things | Bad Things |
| Sticking with a job you need even though your boss deserves an ass-kicking you can’t provide | Quitting and telling your boss to go fuck himself because nobody tells you when you can and can’t take a day off to see the new Fast and Furious movie |
| Biting your tongue when you’d rather bite someone’s head off | Getting the last word when that pregnant lady tried to steal your seat on the subway |
| Finishing last, knowing you gave all you had | Being the thinnest woman in your spin class, especially after finding a bike next to the fattest |
| Taking care of business when you feel like a total loser | Getting higher than Pluto for an entire weekend shift without getting fired or even pulled over |
| Working your hardest and finishing in a day what used to take you an hour | Having a gold iPhone. It’s so shiny! |
Another big reason people put confidence on their wish list of missing and much-desired attributes is the wish to face down intimidation and humiliation in personal relationships, whether it’s from a boss, parent, or spouse. While calling such intimidators “bullies” seems like an awkward thing to do once you’ve graduated beyond the school bus and playground, the title still seems fitting even if in adulthood the wedgies and swirlies are strictly psychological.
No matter how old you are, when someone insults and intimidates you, you think long and hard, over and over, about what you could have said or done in response. Unless you can also think of how to make a time machine, however, this mental exercise just makes you feel more helpless and less prepared for next time.
Like any animal under attack, you may respond instinctively and say or do something before you have a chance to think. For instance, you may go out of your way not to show fear because it might expose weakness and encourage further attacks, or you feel responsible for defending yourself if you’re criticized for something you didn’t do. In any case, being bullied makes you yearn for strength, verbal ability, and . . . confidence! And probably a gym membership.
The fact is, however, that many people get relatively inarticulate when they’re anxious, and very few people are good at the art of speaking up in the face of authority without getting into trouble. Nevertheless, they imagine they could stand up for themselves if they had more self-esteem, like the movie hero responding with a condescending smile to the bad guy’s sneer and pointed gun.
In reality, standing up to intimidation and facing down bullies is a bad goal. It would feel delicious if you could do it (which is why we love to watch such scenes on TV), but retaliation carries all the risks of road rage: losing your original purpose and direction and risking injury, guilt, and punishment for the unintended harm you cause. You’ve got other goals and obligations to pursue, and fighting battles with people you don’t like and aren’t going to change seldom makes sense, even if they’re smaller than you.
The truth is, fighting back isn’t the antidote to humiliation and intimidation; it’s more often an accelerant. Instead, give thought to values and consequences.
Ask yourself whether the fight is worthwhile and winnable by considering risks and worst-case scenarios and keeping your mouth shut to give yourself time to think. Nobody likes to be bullied or humiliated, but once you’re out of the school yard, the consequences for standing up to bullies are much worse than detention and a black eye, like, say, fines and prison.
So strengthen your resolve, not your muscles, and learn to beat bullies by remembering what’s important, and that humiliation isn’t.
Here are signs that a face down is not a good idea:
• You’re not a black belt . . . or you are a black belt
• He’s richer, stronger, better connected, and has better lawyers
• You have better things to do, like get through the day and not ruin your life
• You know that your confrontation won’t change anything in the long run, except maybe your employment status or the shape of your nose
• You’re throwing around terms like “send a message,” “unfair,” “can’t let him think that,” etc., and you’re not a Blood or Crip
Among the wishes people express when they want to avoid or end humiliation are:
• To be as amusingly insulting as Dorothy Parker and Winston Churchill
• To be as good at verbal self-defense as their bully is at humiliation
• To control anxious or deferential feelings that cause helpless paralysis
• To get someone to back down
Here are three examples:
My neighborhood was a happy place for twenty years until a crazy guy moved next door and posted No Trespassing signs on the fence between us. He accused me of dumping leaves into his yard and glared at my kids, who are careful not to bother him. He would point a video camera at them and my wife whenever they played in the yard. At first I tried to reassure him, but recently I’ve told him he has to stop, and he’s gotten even weirder. The police tell me they can’t do anything unless he physically threatens us. My goal is to get him to back off and not have to worry about him all the time.
My boss is often nasty and demeaning, though he thinks he’s just being professional. He’ll call me out during a meeting because something wasn’t done, even though he either didn’t tell me he wanted it or didn’t give me enough time. If I protest, he treats it like I’m giving him excuses or he just changes the subject. When I’ve tried to discuss his leadership style with his boss, I get told that’s just his way and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I feel trapped and intimidated. My goal is to stop my boss from being abusive.
My husband is a know-it-all who gets overbearing when he’s drinking, but never admits it when he’s sober. He’s a good provider, and I don’t want to break up our family, but we all tiptoe around him when he starts to drink, and it’s oppressive living with him. My goal is to figure out how to stand up to him so I don’t have to feel like a mouse.
Sadly, not
