Dear Mum and Dad,
Phew, work work work! Clean the blackboard, flit the flies, polish the desks, shoo the spiders, scrub the floors, windows and lavs. Also sweep out the cellar so it is posh enuf for Uncle’s grate self to appear in. He is a big lazy ghost, also a greedyguts 2. He only does lying in his grave and scoffing.
Us worky boys are hungry and starving. We’re not even allowed to eat the lovely bakebeans because they are only for Uncle’s Spirit Force. We were saving them for rainy days and for being poor, like now, with no money from pupils, boo shame.
So please send rabbit rolls and mice pies.
Yours rumbletumly,
Littly
Dear Mum and Dad,
The rabbit rolls and mice pies were hmmmshus and yumshus. Yeller and me love them, kiss kiss. Smells saves all the tails and whiskers till last, then he eats them 2 quick and gets a coff – so cubbish! Also Stubbs says, “Ark,” meaning thanks for the cheese, it was ark-stra spesh.
But whyo Y do you say I have let the pack down being poor again? Because who put rockets under my safe and blew it up into small smithers? Who made my gold go raining all over Frettnin Forest so nobody can find it now? Answer, your darling baby pet, Smellybreff. But you never blame him, do you?
But now listen to this news, it is good. Yeller has just made up a fine advert saying:
Are you just a small weak fluffball?
Then be a pupil atHaunted Hall
Learn secret powers from our Bigbad ghost Like how to pop up all of a suddenly like toast so come to-dee And bring a large fee Do not delay-ee
ARRROOOO! Look out Richness, we are after you again!
Yours chestoutly,
L Wolf esqwire
Dear Mum and Dad,
Will you write and tell Smellybreff not to be a noosink newsance pain. Because me, Yeller and Stubbs are trying and trying to please Uncle to get him to be our School Spirit and Terror, and Smells keeps messing all our things up. Also we must rush about pantingly, pasting up adverts all over Frettnin Forest.
Tell him he must just muck around with his ted like a normal small bruv. Not keep asking to be a Co-Head like me and Yeller. Just because he got his Silver Daring Deed Award for Clues and Courage when he was cubnapped by Mister Twister. But he is still 2 whiny and hopeless to play teachers proply. What do you think?
Your busywizzy boy,
L
PS How about a nice surprise for us, hint hint? Like some Ratflakes or Moosepops maybe?
Dear Mum and Dad,
Thank you for your LOUD REPLY in red ink. Ooo-er. So yes, you’re right, Smells must have his own way. Plus he can have a Deputy Head Badge if you want, plus be a Sir. Yes, I do remember he is your darling baby pet. And tell Dad yes, I do know what GOING RAVING MAD means, so no need him coming on a long journey to show me. Thank you wunce morely.
Yours toldoffly,
L
Dear Mum and Dad,
I said Smells could be our Deputy Head like you made me. But can you just tell him “No more caning people” and “Stop saying bend over swish all the time”?
Yours stungly,
L Wolf (Head)
Dear Mum and Dad,
Your photo of Dad saying PACK IN THAT CANING, PET arrived today. I showed it to Smells and guess what? It made him howl headoffly. Then he jumped in the cupboard and slam went the door.
I said to Yeller and Stubbs, “That was a good scare for him, he will stop hitting us now I bet.”
Sad to say, he was just looking for some scissors. Now he has cut up your photo plus our curtains, tablecloff, ect.
Yours curtainlessly,
Little
Dear Mum and Dad,
Good thing Smells found those scissors! He says Cutting Things Up is his best thing now. Plus Stubbs has trained him to do gluework. So now Smells says we must call him Mister Sticker and let him be a busy cub doing stickers all day. He likes footballers best, so lucky there are about 1 millium Wolf Weekly Sports in the shed for him to cut up and glue, eh?
Phew, now Yeller and me can do some proper thinking up ideas for our new scary school without swish, ouch, every time we bend over.
