motive. Try to avoid projecting your own feelings onto your baby when interpreting why he’s crying.
As he grows, you can encourage him to use other methods of communication by interpreting his cries verbally: ‘Oh, you want a drink, do you?’ If you are calm when he is agitated, he will begin to learn to calm himself and regain control. As he reaches his toddler years he is going to need to learn about ‘deferred gratification’, so not responding instantly to screams will do an older baby no harm, as you will see later on in this book.
Why Your Baby Might Be Crying
• Listen to your gut feeling – what do you think your baby needs? You are probably the best person to know.
Step One: Feeding
In the first few weeks, most mothers try feeding first. Suckling is comforting, and you cannot overfeed a breastfed baby. If you are formula feeding, you need to keep an eye on the amount your baby consumes in 24 hours, but if you’re mixing feeds correctly and staying within the recommended amounts, you will not overfeed your baby.
If he is opening his mouth and turning his head (‘rooting’), this is a good indication that he’s hungry, so you can begin to look for these cues, and feed him even before he starts crying. We will look at why baby-led feeding is important, especially with breastfeeding, in the section on Step One, as well as looking at other ways of fulfilling your baby’s need to suckle.
Step Two: Comfort
IS HE COMFORTABLE?
Check his nappy. Feel his abdomen to find whether he’s too cold or hot. Is he in pain? If he is in pain, he will probably not stop crying even when you pick him up, and his crying will be intense; high-pitched, with breath-holding in the middle – although, as we have seen earlier, it’s not possible to be exact about the meaning of a particular type of cry. However, if you are at all worried, do ring your GP.
IS HE BORED?
If you’ve eliminated obvious physical discomfort, then your baby may be frightened, lonely or bored; i.e., in need of human company for comfort! In this case he will probably stop crying when you pick him up. You will find lots of suggestions for soothing a crying baby later on in the section on Step Two.
Paediatrician Berry Brazelton suggests that you don’t rush straight in but watch instead to see whether your baby can soothe himself. He suggests six things to try in turn. First, show your baby your face to see if that reassures him. Then, speak gently to see if face and voice alone can soothe. The next method to try is a warm hand laid gently on his tummy; then try both hands to contain his arms and legs. If none of these manages to calm your baby, pick him up. It can be good to hold him in a position which makes him feel safe and secure (see page 79) or to wrap him up securely with access to his knuckles or fingers so that he can suck them (see page 79). Sucking is the most soothing thing for a baby.7
Step Three: Sleep
Is he tired? Babies are not skilled at getting themselves to sleep, and can cry through tiredness. Your baby will need lots of sleep to help him grow and learn, and there is information about ways of helping your baby to sleep in the section on Step Three, as well as how your baby’s need for sleep can dovetail with yours, so you and your family get all the sleep you need.
My second baby wanted to be held a lot when he was little, and my first was just aged 20 months at the time and wanting mummy too. So I bought a second-hand baby sling from a friend and ‘wore’ my newborn on my front for the first couple of weeks. It kept him quiet and content and left me free to get on with everything else.
– Sonia, mother of Anna, Ricky and Jessica
~ Times Change ~ Answer – 1899 ~
Dr Holt, author of the bestselling The Care and Feeding of Children, addressing the third annual convention of the National Congress of Mothers in Washington DC, mid-February 1899
2 Getting Used to the World: The First Six Weeks
~ Times change – does the advice stay the same? ~
Childrearing, like cheap wine, does not travel well.
If we compare our Western culture to any other, throughout history or elsewhere in the world, we probably are the least baby-centred society ever to exist. Mothers give birth and are expected to get ‘back to normal’ in a matter of days. We ignore the fact that giving birth, even without complications or interventions, is the physical equivalent of running a marathon.
You Need Time
In most cultures, women are cared for by other women after birth for an average of 40 days. That’s how it should be. It’s a complete myth that some women give birth at the side of a field and then carry on with normal chores. ‘Lying-in’ after birth is the norm for most, and six weeks seems a sensible time to allow a mother to recover and to get to know her baby. It is a time for physical rest and for establishing a milk supply. A new mother needs a lot of support, love and care – she too, needs a lot of mothering.
Your Baby Needs Time
A newborn baby also needs time to get used to the world, to find out what is expected of her, and to get to grips with basic skills like feeding. Although there is a surprising amount that she can do for herself, she is still dependent on you and needs you to help her help herself. Take time to try the steps mentioned on page 8 before rushing in.
We are in such a rush to get on, get back to normal, get into a routine, get to the next stage … but babies take time, especially in these first six weeks. It takes time to build up a breastmilk supply, it takes time for your baby to learn to feed. Everything is slow – but don’t worry, it will speed up; in the meantime, consider this stage as a six-week baby-honeymoon or ‘babymoon’!
These first six weeks are also a time for you and your baby to get to know each other, and to spend time in close contact. Other mammals bond by ‘imprinting’ – goats and sheep, for instance, need to be in constant contact in the first few hours and days after birth to learn who is who and to bond. We humans, too, need time spent in contact to develop that close relationship.
One writer, Tine Thevenin, has an interesting theory about how we in the West raise children. We value independence above all, she claims, which is a male value. Women, she says, are less uncomfortable with dependency, but as we live in a male-dominated society, we push our babies towards independence sooner than we should. Hence the desire to get babies to sleep alone, to be put down in cribs rather than held close.1
DID YOU KNOW?
– babies need contact!
