how to punish them or not if they’d been cheeky or misbehaved – but we’d always talked things through.
If I was honest, when I was working, once I reached the office, work was all consuming and I let it be so. If there were problems in the home, or even in the world, they were soon forgotten as I got pulled into whatever the latest TV series proposal was and lost myself in research, timings, production costings. Back at home, I was sure of my role, and that Cait would always be there. I was pretty certain that I’d know if she was thinking about leaving. She’d never been good at keeping things in. I’d probably get a list, like that movie – Ten Things I Hate about You. It would be there on a piece of paper in her neat handwriting on the island in the kitchen. I almost think I’d prefer that to this atmosphere back at the house now. This is different to previous standoffs. We’re not shouting at each other, taking out our mutual irritation or lack of sleep on each other. It feels quieter, more ominous, with silences that are loaded with the unspoken. Is it me? Am I the problem? Taking out my frustration on her in a passive-aggressive way, not giving her the benefit of a good air-clearing row. Maybe I should make more of an effort, starting by having a shave seeing as that seems to bother her so much.
I stared out of the window at rain splashing on the pavement. I’d been gone an hour. How much space would Cait need? Longer than this, I decided as I got up to order another mug of tea.
*
Home. Cait’s gone out. Phew. Got out my list of my contacts. Emailed the few left that I haven’t been in touch with, not that I hold out much hope. I’ve been emailing and phoning every day since I was let go and no one’s got back to me so far. Can they smell the scent of need in cyberspace? Has word got around? Matt Langham’s out of the game. They must know I’m out of work, been cut loose. I’d never emailed any of them when I was working. Didn’t have the time. I remembered when I was headhunted, wanted, flavour of the month, the golden boy of programme ideas. Oh the fickle friend, that illusion that is success. Truth be told, my best years were back in the late 1980s, a long time ago. The industry has changed since then: more competitive, smaller budgets, a younger man’s game. I’d survived, nevertheless. In the last decade, I’d worked as a producer on some contemporary documentaries, but my niche was history. I had a reputation. My programme ‘The Women Who Made Cromwell’ had won an award in 2000. I could deliver on a brief. I had good ideas, could oversee a project from conception to completion. Surely that must count for something?
Called Brian Fairweather.
‘No one’s hiring,’ he said. ‘Sorry, other phone’s going. Let’s get together for a beer next time you’re in town.’ I have said these very same lines in the past to people needing a job. It hurt being on the other end of it. Cait’s friend Debs would probably say it’s karma: what you sow, so shall you reap.
Next was Peter Smith. We’d always got on and he, at least, sounded pleased to hear from me. ‘Matt Langham. Still in the programme-making business?’
‘Keeping my hand in.’
‘So what can I do you for?’
How do I put it without sounding desperate? I asked myself. Deep breath, sound energized. ‘I’ve gone freelance—’
‘I thought you always were?’
‘Yes but I’ve made some changes and separated from my old company. Things have been a bit slow there so I’ve got some time on my hands and wondered if you were in the market for—’
‘Ah. Sorry, mate. Nothing for you here. You know how it is, full on or nothing, feast or famine. It’s a tough business, never been tougher or more competitive. If I were you, I’d enjoy the time off before the next round of deadlines hits, take up golf.’ Subtext, you’re past your sell-by date, mate.
Tried Richard Simpson then Ronnie Nash. No joy.
One more to try. Maria Briars. She’d tried to headhunt me once. I dialled her number.
‘Hey, Maria.’
‘Hey, Matt. How’s it going?’
I couldn’t be bothered with the pretence. ‘Slow, to be honest. I’m looking for work.’
‘No. God, if you’d only called last week, I was looking for someone – but then maybe it wasn’t for you. Anyway, it was a done deal really. My boss insisted I take on his nephew. He started on Monday, only a kid, quite brilliant though. I am sorry.’
‘No problem.’ A kid. Ouch, I thought.
‘I’ll be in touch if I hear anything.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You OK?’
‘Top of the world.’
‘Chins up.’
‘Chins up.’
I hung up the phone and crossed off her name. I am not putting myself through that humiliation again.
So, to my den in the garage to listen to Radio Four. I’ll compile another list tomorrow. Or not. Have I had my day? Time to let the younger ones have their hour in the spotlight. In which case, what next? I could have a shave, but why? I’m not going anywhere. Not that I’m going to grow a beard, but after forty years of shaving every day, it’s bliss not to have to, liberating. I know Cait doesn’t like it, so I’ll do it every fifth day. In the meantime, I’m having a shaving man’s holiday. There have to be some perks to this retirement business.
Cait
Things to do:
Unfriend Tom Lewis before he notices I’ve accepted his request.
Be more understanding and nicer to Matt.
Take Lorna’s advice and work on saving marriage.
Research ways to seduce husband and revive our love life. (Talk to Lorna and Debs about how to keep a relationship alive?)
Think about how to be more sensual, sexual.
Buy corn plasters.
Spent the morning filling in applications for three jobs I don’t really want. Receptionist at a dentist’s surgery. Receptionist in a firm of architects. Telesales.
Would it be a waste of time to send them off? I have a degree. Would they say – you’re overqualified? You’re too old. Move on.
I could go back to teaching, but I don’t want to go back to a career. I just want some extra money coming in to support what we might make on the Airbnb and my writing, if that ever happens.
Added to the list: look to see if I could go back into teaching.
From: [email protected]
Help. Any chance you’re free to come over?
