life is – complicated. My baby.’
‘Perhaps I can swing by here, then? One evening? Bring fish and chips and a DVD?’
‘Perhaps.’
‘Look, here's my number. You call me.’ And Seb slipped a piece of paper over the calendar hook so it obliterated Joe's number entirely. ‘I'm away for a week but please call me when I'm back. You're cute. I really like you. It would be fun. It could be good. We're foreigners in a strange land – we should get it together, babe.’
Tess reverberated between feeling relieved and yet miffed that Seb would be away for a week. She told herself, when she awoke the next morning, that if he hadn't gone away, she'd've phoned him that very day to say, yes, please, fish and chips and a DVD and more of that snogging. But she acknowledged that the brazenness of the thought came only because she knew to implement it was not possible. And anyway, hadn't she gone to bed the night before, early, a few hours after he left, feeling ambivalent? Seb was a nice guy, he looked good and he tasted good and he'd made her body fizz. But she had to concede he didn't measure up to Joe. Then she told herself that to harbour thoughts of Joe was ludicrous and to carry feelings for him was stupid. So that brought her back to thinking about Seb again. She wasn't sure what to think, she couldn't quite place him in fanciful daydreams – if she tried to, he appeared like a cardboard cut-out that she had to move from scenario to scenario. Whereas she frequently had to put up a No Entry sign in the places in her mind where Joe appeared enticingly whether or not she'd conjured him.
But kissing Seb had released thoughts of herself, about her self. Her body felt her own once more, finally distinct from the eighteen-month baby it had nurtured. It was back to being the sensual body of a healthy thirty-year-old. It didn't matter that she was by herself with only a dog and a toddler as an audience, post-kiss Tess felt sexy. For the first time since halfway through her pregnancy, she sought the space and privacy to invest in herself. Plying the dog and child with snacks, she sat in front of the mirror, looking and looking. Her hair now had a gloss and bounce that counteracted its need for a cut and style. Simply tucking it behind her ears, with a couple of Em's lilac slides, looked good and served to reveal the glow of her skin and the glint in her eyes. She winked at herself, she smiled at herself – and then she winked and smiled as if she was doing so for someone else's benefit.
I'm all right I am, she said quietly. She liked what she saw. It was a look she'd like to put to good use because it felt good to have.
A quieter voice whispered a thought before she went to bed that night. And the quieter voice said, if Seb was here you know you wouldn't have phoned him. She thought how the fun was in the memory, how there was safety in his distance. But then she wondered whether it had nothing to do with shyness or insecurity on her part – perhaps she wouldn't have phoned Seb because it was Joe she was holding out for. The friendly young surfer and the tetchy bridge builder. However, going on pure facts, if she was a sexy mama to the former and simply a house-sitter to the latter, oughtn't she to revaluate on whom her sights were set?
So, Seb's kiss hadn't actually settled a day and a night later. Certainly, it had made her body feel very good, cranking those long-dormant cogs of concupiscence back into motion. But it hadn't filtered through to her soul. And she had to admit to herself as she went to sleep that his kiss had stuck slightly in the back of her throat.
It had been a conscious decision of Joe's not to phone home which wasn't to say that he hadn't thought about Tess. He had. Often. And had intended to phone, early on particularly. But at the same time, absence began to do strange things to his heart – if initially it had made it fonder now with a little distance, it was also making it befuddled. Phone her and say – what? Phone to hear – what? Didn't phoning run the risk of long-distance silences? Might that not lead to those peculiar but customary snipes? He could have kissed her, that night on the Transporter, or at home later. He'd badly wanted to and he'd thought back over it since. But now he asked himself what indication if any had she given that she'd kiss him back? Of course, that wasn't a reason for not kissing her, but it was reason enough not to phone. Joe thought about it, about the kiss that hadn't happened; if it had, then what – after an impromptu kiss, then what?
Much as he liked impromptu and he was accustomed to impromptu, it had always been in his control, it had always been his choice and always slotted in well with his life. He really could do without any further complications. There was an almighty fuck-up on the project (they were his calculations but he couldn't work out how the error had occurred), so the straight sex on offer from Nathalie provided a perfect antidote to the problems on site. Crucial respite from daily headaches came between the sheets, between Nathalie's great legs where he could empty his mind along with his balls. He was accustomed to the way he'd set up his life, it worked for him. Why fix it if it ain't broke. He already had a broken bridge to fix and that was his priority. Tess and Saltburn, even Wolf, faded from the forefront quickly. What dominated his mind were complex issues of torsion and endless miles of steel cable. The presence of Nathalie helped him sleep at night; an orgasm being a shortcut to a few hours of dreamless brain-rest.
Then the time came when Joe was needed back in England. And that's when Tess returned to his mind, with the unexpected suddenness of a spring bulb suddenly punctuating the dark monotony of bare winter earth. It wasn't so much an image of her, but the notion of her and it sent a pang through him – not a lift, not a buzz, but a shot of emotion he couldn't readily identify. A longing to be back. A feeling that his home fires had been kept burning, that his house would be warm, that supper might await him, with its awkward hors d'oeuvres of polite conversation settling in to a relaxed main course of nattering and laughter, the likes of which he'd never known prior to Tess – certainly not in that house. Chatting with mouths full, elbows on the table, licking fingers to dab up spilt salt and excess gravy. Seconds, even thirds. And then lengthy desserts, appetite already well sated, but feeding an excuse to stay at the table and maintain the convivial communication, the comfort of company, the warmth before bedtime. He'd never drunk so much tea in his life.
It was odd, the way the desire to be back swooped through him. Prior to this trip, though he'd thought about Tess, he hadn't missed her. He hadn't spent much time thinking about those meals or about the house – he'd been far too preoccupied to do so. Anyway, over the years, he'd carefully trained his affection to steer clear of home because home had not been a constant in his life since he was old enough to leave. It had been little more than a storage facility for his belongings, a place to stay when he was in England, on a par with apartments or hotels elsewhere but without the added extras of the Nathalies and Rachels and the rest.
However, thoughts of home now came with a picture of Tess in them, Wolf too of course, even Emmeline. And no longer was that picture in a drab palette, it was a freshly painted new scene, in mould-resistant paint in the heritage colours on offer at the DIY store. His books and music painstakingly alphabetized. And the kitchen ordered and always warm. Bathrooms bright. Bedrooms aired. A growing bonfire heap, piled with stuff he wouldn't miss but had never thought of ejecting. The house felt cleansed and a new side of it had been revealed. Cracks hadn't been painted over, they'd been systematically Polyfillaed and sanded smooth. New paint had released a latent energy from those silent old walls. And though Joe ridiculed himself for wondering if the pang had anything to do with homesickness, he couldn't deny that the sensation of it made him want to hasten his journey back.
He phoned.
‘The Resolution – hullo?’
How could he have forgotten her elevation of his house to semi-stately! Daft girl. He now wished he'd phoned before.
‘Tess.’
‘Joe?’
