I wake up and have no idea where time has gone, or where I am. I have to remember all over again. That I am not with my Cara, except I am.
But at least the toilet visits must be almost as grim for him as for me; him watching over me while I do my business is a security issue more than anything else. I hope. And at least I am partially clothed. A shower though. That is different. I will be naked. Slippery. Defenceless. I’ll be worried every time I bend over. I will not come out feeling clean.
I try to keep that strength up as he orders me to take off my clothes. When I refuse, he moves towards me and rips them off for me. Or maybe, to be fair, it is more gentle than that. Slides and teases them off me. I think I’d prefer if he ripped. Less like he was trying to seduce me. Less sinister. Now I feel not only naked but coveted. Has my bare flesh always been this bare, this vulnerable? It shames and sickens me, with the knowledge of what he wants. I become a true Eve outside the garden – an ashamed hand over the breasts and one over the genitals. He is not going to get the view he wants out here.
‘Get in,’ he says, nodding his head at the shower cubicle.
‘Aren’t you going to open the door for me?’ I ask, playing the coquette. Anything to put off turning around.
He doesn’t reply. He just gestures again with his head. Of course he isn’t going to move forward to open the cubicle – to do that would leave the exit to the bathroom unguarded. I could try to flit naked from captivity.
So, slowly, with as much posterior dignity as I can muster, I turn. I catch sight of myself in the mirror as I do. I look away again. I’m thinner than ever, but not good thin. Ribcage and thigh-gap thin. If only he wouldn’t drug my food and I could eat it all. Or if I could have one of my own cupcakes. Or Paul’s peppercorn steaks.
I pull open the door of the shower then shut it tight behind me. I turn the temperature up as high as I can to generate steam. I have my back turned to the door but – or maybe so – I know he will be watching me.
‘Go on, love. Have a shower. Wash it all away.’ It? Her. They mean her.
As the heat and steam build, and infuse my skin and my hair, I feel myself start to relax slightly. Does Cara use this shower? I wonder. Am I sharing her space? Is this another link we have forged in captivity? I will ask in my next letter. Eyes closed, I reach my hand out for some soap. Instead, I feel flesh.
I scream and open my eyes. It is the Captor’s hand. Above the noise of the water he opened the shower door without my hearing. What does he want? Is this it? Is this the rape scene? Does he murder me in the shower now, à la ‘Psycho’? I cower into the corner.
‘Shampoo,’ he says, holding out a bottle. ‘Looks like you’re washing your hair.’
I stare at him for a moment, my heart beating fast, in heightened threat mode. I wonder if I can surprise him, push past him, or strangle him with the shower cord. But my hands are frozen across my breasts and genitals in defence, while the water runs on.
He waves the bottle at me again. ‘You can’t use soap. Makes the scalp itchy.’
I reach out a hand and take the bottle. Then he shuts the shower door.
Yet he is obviously watching. Because he knew I was washing my hair. I want to curl up in the corner of the shower enclosure and cry. Become invisible. But he would see my tears. Each one would probably arouse him. Give him a sense of pleasure in defeating me. However vulnerable I feel I cannot let him see me that vulnerable. I must remain calm. The tears must wait until I get back to my room. Just focus on the fact that Cara, too, must have survived this experience. Or is about to have it. Use the shampoo then place it on a ledge, at head height, so Cara will not have the indignity of having the shower door opened on her. Or having to bend over to pick up the bottle, observed by the Captor. I want to scream at him, over the noise of the shower: perv on my daughter in this way and I will kill you. Somehow. But I can’t. Because he cannot know that I know she is here. That I have an ally. We each have an ally.
So, instead, I just perform a perfunctory wash of my hair and my body. I pretend I am one of those women in the bathroom commercials, advertising shower suites or shampoo. Except they always seem to have a towel in the shower with them. When my shower ends, I will have to emerge dripping, cold and naked. I will need to beg the Captor for a towel. While he watches me. I shiver, even though the water is still warm.
The shower door opens again. Not a surprise this time. But not a treat either. He reaches past me, turns off the shower.
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