The stable-style back door has a wrought-iron handle that reminds me of a rawhide chew with a knot at one end. I jump up, place my front paws on the door, take the handle between my teeth and drop my head. Trouble is the door opens inwards so the first time I do this, I succeed in unlatching it, but my weight shuts it again. The next time I get it right. I use my paws instead of my mouth to push the handle down and teeter on my back legs, dropping to all fours as soon as I can. The door opens a fraction but that’s all I need. I squeeze a paw and then my head into the gap, and force it open. I grab the torch and Betty and I walk out into the moonlit garden. I can see everything as clear as day, including the sleeping ducks and a couple of startled hares, eyes as wide as my water bowl.
‘Now what? Now what?’ Betty squeals, as she hops about with excitement.
I drop the torch in the grass and nuzzle the handle until I find the bumpy bit Paddy used to push to switch it on.
‘Press this,’ I say to Betty.
She does so, and jumps back as a powerful beam of light illuminates the middle section of the garden. The hares do backflips and dart for the nearest cover. I angle the torch so that the big oak tree is floodlit. It’s like I’m calling Batman from his cave. I twist the handle a little, first one way, and then the other, so the beam shudders against the tree’s tall branches.
‘Oh wow!’ says Betty, clapping her paws together.
I can’t speak – I have my mouth full. I just hope that Dante is near enough to see it. He’s very fond of bright lights and shiny things. Well, a bit more than fond. It’s his obsession. Just as mine is food, his is all things glittery. It’s landed him in all sorts of trouble, and I mean trouble with The Law. Big’uns’ law.
‘I say! You there! What do you think you’re doing?’
I almost drop the torch in shock. I can’t work out where the nasal voice is coming from. He sounds like he has a clothes peg on his nose.
‘There!’ Betty says, pointing at the oak’s wide trunk.
Lowering the torch a fraction, I see an upside down squirrel clinging to the bark with its claws.
‘I don’t wish to be rude but this behaviour just won’t do. This is a nice neighbourhood,’ he continues.
Since dogs and squirrels have existed, we’ve always played Chase. We chase squirrels on the ground and they scamper into the trees. Gives us the opportunity for a jolly good bark. No harm done. But this squirrel is clearly in no mood for fun. I lay the torch on the lawn and go for the friendly approach.
‘Hi there. Name’s Monty, and this is Betty. What’s yours?’
‘Nigel. Your local Animal Neighbourhood Watch representative.’ He puffs out his chest. ‘Very important work. Without my constant vigilance, this quiet hamlet would descend into anarchy.’
‘It would?’
‘It would,’ says Nigel, flicking his tail. ‘Look, I don’t want us to get off on the wrong paw, but there are by-laws about this sort of thing.’
Betty and I exchange glances.
‘What sort of thing?’ I ask.
‘Disturbing the peace, of course. You can’t flash lights like that at this time of night. It’s just not neighbourly. The hares are complaining of migraines already.’
‘We won’t be much longer. We’re trying to attract someone’s attention.’
‘And what will be next? A rock band? Drunken brawls?’ The squirrel scampers up the trunk and stops on a branch. ‘Mark my words, young hound. Your actions tonight are the first step on the slippery slope to oblivion.’
In a flash of vibrating tail, Nigel disappears into the dark foliage. He’s humming the Mission: Impossible theme tune again.
‘Who does he think he is?’ Betty protests.
‘Let’s get on with it, shall we?’ I say, gripping the torch between my teeth and waving it about.
It’s not long before I hear a familiar chattering in the dis-tance. Initially, I mistake a large bat for Dante. Then I see the magpie, heading straight for the flickering beam. As he crosses it, his black and white plumage is illuminated – it’s Batman in a white T-shirt.
‘Bleeding Nora,’ says Betty, as she runs under my body to hide. ‘He’s a big bastard!’
I lower the torch and bark, as quietly as I can, ‘Dante, it’s me, Monty. Down here!’
I glance at the upper windows but Rose’s face doesn’t appear. The magpie lands, claws outstretched, a few feet away. Betty cowers. In the torch’s beam his striking features are visible – black beak and head, white above his wings and on his belly, and long dark tail feathers that shimmer a peacock green.
‘Is this your idea of a joke?’ he snaps, stomping towards me, his black, beady eyes angry. ‘You’re giving me a headache.’
‘Dante, calm down, I need your help and had to get your attention.’ I try to keep my voice to a quiet woof so that Rose doesn’t wake.
The magpie goose-steps up and down. ‘Oh for goodness’ sake, Monty, find someone else to tap those bloody keys. I have better things to do.’
‘No, no. This is important.’
‘What? Doggie lost his bone?’
He’s in a foul mood. Not good.
‘My master’s dead.’
Dante dips his head, as if scooping up water, and his tail lifts high. He then returns to his normal stiff posture.
‘Dead? Oh dear me. I see.’ He clears his throat. ‘That explains what you’re doing so far from home.’ He resumes his pacing. ‘I did wonder what all that commotion was about on Friday. Lots of shiny badges and glistening equipment.’
I step closer, forgetting my jittery friend sheltering beneath me. She darts to one side, before I tread on her.
‘Did you see what happened?’ My tail has gone berserk. It’s going so fast Dante’s feathers are getting ruffled by the breeze I’m creating. ‘Do you know where the killer went?’
Dante has noticed Betty. His eyes sparkle. He darts forward, sharp beak open. I block his path.
‘No! Betty is not a midnight snack.’
My teeth are bared. Shocked, Dante backs off. He knows that if I chose, I could break his neck.
‘Fine way to treat a friend,’ he complains.
‘Betty is my friend too. I need you two to get along.’
Dante laughs, the kind of nasal, withering laugh I’ve heard from villains on the TV. ‘Oh, please! You don’t expect me to befriend
