very much for a life that was now over.
The police drove her back from the police station to Will and Fiona’s house in Camden. It was already light and people were going to work in their neat clothes. A policewoman offered to come in with her and explain what had happened but Ruby shook her head. She scrambled out of the car as quickly as she could and bolted inside. She hoped that no one would be awake yet so she could slide into her bedroom without being seen.
But Will was up. He was coming down the stairs, wearing a suit and a blue shirt and a dark-red tie, his cheeks and jaw shiny from his morning shave. In the kitchen there were kids’ drawings on the pinboard and a bunch of flowers in a milkjug on the table, the same as yesterday.
‘Fi’s still asleep. Where have you been all night?’
He was in a position to ask the question because he was her stepfather’s brother, so she was part family as well as part lodger. But they were also conspirators because when they were alone Will didn’t always treat her like family. Or at least, the way families were supposed to treat each other. Ruby thought he was rather pathetic, but she had taken advantage of the situation in the past. Being in a conspiracy with Will meant she could get away with things that he and Fiona, as a fully united front, would never have allowed.
But not any longer. Not after this night.
She blinked, and her eyes burned with the image of Jas lying at the foot of the stumpy high-rise.
‘Um. I went to a party.’
Will looked angry, in his plump way.
‘What are you like? What sort of behaviour do you call this? It’s five to six in the morning and you’re supposed to go to college today.’
Ruby glanced away, down at the floor. She was thinking if she could just get away quickly, upstairs to her bedroom, she could keep all the spinning and churning bits of misery inside and not let Will see them.
‘I know,’ she mumbled. ‘Sorry.’
He sighed. Then he came round the table and took hold of her. He put his hand under her chin and tilted her face so he could examine it. She felt too numb to break away from him, or to do anything but stand there. Will sighed again and then his hand slid over her bottom but he gently pushed her away at the same time, as if it were she who had come on to him. He was very good at making things appear the opposite of what they really were. A long time ago – yesterday – she used to think it must be one of the number of things he had a first-class degree in.
But there was no place this morning for any of those old notions. They seemed to belong to a different person.
‘Go on, then. Go upstairs and get into bed, before Fi catches you. I’ve got to get to the airport.’
He was fussing with his briefcase, snapping the locks.
Ruby went up the stairs, very slowly. Her feet felt as if they had rocks tied to them.
In her bedroom she took off her clothes and then stood holding them in a bundle against her chest, very tightly, as if she were hugging a baby. She even made a little crooning noise, out loud, and the disembodied sound made her jump. When she buried her face in the clothes she realised that they stank of sweat and smoke and sick. She had thrown up in a green-painted toilet cubicle at the police station.
She put the bundle down on the velvet-upholstered button-backed chair and covered it with a cushion. Then she crawled under the bedcovers and pulled them over her.
As soon as she closed her eyes he was lying there with the black puddle spreading round his head.
She told Ash briefly about Jas. It wasn’t right, she realised as soon as she had begun, to use it as a way of getting his sympathy. Then she gave him a flat smile. Her tears were drying up, leaving her eyes feeling sticky in the heat.
‘Anyway,’ she said, and shrugged. She stood up quickly, pulling at her clothes where they were glued to her skin. After a second he got up too, still looking at her with gentle concern.
‘That is very sad. I am sorry,’ he said. ‘What would you like to do now? Do you want to go back to your grandmother’s house?’
She didn’t want to cry again, for one thing, didn’t even want to think about crying. It was all too dangerous.
‘Can we just go on with what we were doing before?’
They walked on, under the dusty leaves, in and out of patches of shade. Ash waited for what she would do or say next.
‘Don’t you have a girlfriend?’
He considered carefully. ‘Of course, there are some girls I like. But it is not quite the same thing, I think.’
His solemnity made Ruby laugh. She still wanted to make him like her and the wish surprised her.
‘It was only a quick kiss, back there, you know? I just did it, I thought it would be nice. Sorry if it was totally the wrong thing. I get things wrong all the time, it’s the way I am. You’ll have to get used to it if we’re going to be friends. That was one of the good things about Jas. He kind of didn’t mind anything. He’d say things like, we are each the person we are and we should try to be that person to the full, not someone else. I liked that a lot.’
Ash stopped again. He looked over his shoulder at the traffic and at the passers-by, then he steered Ruby into an angled niche in the river wall where an ornate street lamp sprouted.
‘I would like to kiss you, now, please.’
She leaned back. The stone was hot against her ribs and spine.
‘Go on, then.’
‘Wait. To me, these things have importance. They are not just a quick this, or for nothing that. Perhaps you think to be this way is funny?’
‘No,’ Ruby said humbly. ‘I think it’s lovely.’
‘All right.’ He came nearer. Close up, there were all kinds of different textures and colours visible in the dark-brown irises.
He kissed her, an experimental meeting of mouths that seemed, to Ruby, very tentative. Then he pulled back again.
‘Good,’ he said.
‘Thank you.’
Feeling rather pleasingly chaste, she resumed her walk at his side. After a little way they turned aside from the river and wandered through a quiet area of curving streets with enclosed gardens thick with greenery. It was much quieter here. The tall brown and cream buildings looked sleepy and well-protected. Some of the gates had guards in little wooden sentry boxes, or stationed in chairs on the pavement where they could watch everyone who went by. Ash and Ruby let their hands brush more often as they walked.
‘This is Garden City. Nice place, for rich people.’
‘Where do you live? Is it near here?’
Ash laughed, a little awkwardly.
‘What do you think? It is not like this, my home.’
‘I don’t know anything about
