Stand on the ruddy sled. Unhook snow anchor. Foot off snow brake. Collect items en route in return for treats for your team. Hardly rocket science. If my fingers haven’t dropped off from frostbite, that is. That would be vaguely amusing, handing over a trinket and a dead finger. She wondered if it would come away like a scab…a slight sucking noise, and then a bit of a pop?
‘Sorry?’ she said, as the trainer asked her a question.
‘I asked if you were OK. You appear to be sleeping standing up. Did you hear what I said?’
‘Yes, yes,’ she said hurriedly.
‘What was it?’
‘It was…It was…Actually. No. I didn’t hear. Sorry’
‘Right,’ said the trainer. ‘This really is important. I’m not here for my own benefit. I’m trying to make sure that you don’t injure yourselves. Or the dogs. So, to recap for those who have dozed off, make sure you keep your foot on the snow brake when you go downhill so that you don’t catch the dogs’ paws. Keep your feet on the brake when you bend down to release the snow anchor. And always have your snow anchor thus…’ He hooked it over the side of the wooden shopping-trolley-shaped sled ‘…so that you don’t take anybody’s head off if you go careering past them. Not that you should. Because we’ll be docking points for silly, stupid or dangerous riding. In the worst case, we’ll send you home. All the items to be picked up are heavily wrapped with two stiff handles sticking up to make it easier. The enterprise will be timed. But it’s more important that you do this safely. And since it will all be filmed we can even retrospectively ban anyone who has flouted those safety rules. The routes are clearly marked. Team A will follow the blue flags. Team B will follow the red flags. You nominate three members from your team. I’ll give you twenty minutes.’
Katie stamped her feet in her enormous Arctic boots. One of her toes had been dead when it went in and it wasn’t about to kick into life any time soon.
‘One hoof beat for yes, two for no. Good horse,’ said Paul, nodding at her feet as he went past.
‘Are you in my team today?’ she asked. ‘Only I get so confused with this Team A and B stuff. Why can’t we all be on the same team?’
‘They want competition. Frrrriction.’ He rolled the r, and made a suggestive face.
I just want to be voted off and get home so I can read a bit of friction at home in my comfortable bed,’ she replied.
I cannot believe you’re saying that already. It’s two weeks out of your life. Get over yourself. I’m going to nominate you to do the trial. Give you something to think about instead of dreaming of home. Aren’t you enjoying any of it?’
‘My favourite things so far are: the snoring of my female companions every night, the loud guffing coming from your room and the deadly stench coming into ours, the smell of the drop loos and the stalactites of poo in them, the cold, the hat hair–oh, and the pointlessness of most of it.’
‘Well, tell them you’re going home and give them back the money,’ he said caustically.
‘Ay, there’s the rub,’ she said ruefully, tripping over a rock.
‘Mind that rock,’ he said, deadpan.
‘Thanks. It’s because of my dead toe.’
‘Do you want me to give it the kiss of life?’
She barked a laugh. I think it needs more than a kiss.’
I give very good foot.’
‘And that means?’
‘Well, it’s like good head, only with feet.’
‘Saucy,’ she said appreciatively. ‘I hope they’re not tuned into our mikes.’
‘We’ll never know,’ he said, lying.
Siobhan had told him what they’d be looking for, and he knew that he and Katie would be heavily featured.
‘I wonder if they’re watching us at home, or if we’re the final nail in the “celebrity-”–he made quote marks in the air–‘reality-show coffin. Would you watch if you were at home?’
‘I suppose I would if I knew someone in it,’ she said, after thinking for a moment. ‘Or if I saw clips of it somewhere and it looked good. I was hooked on the ice dancing. And the dancing, for that matter. On the other hand, they did go on for ever and ever. I’d grown a beard by the time it was over.’
‘An interesting use of your time. Big beard?’
‘Full Captain Haddock.’
‘Nice.’ He nodded appreciatively as he held open the door to the central hut for her.
She stamped her boots on the doormat to get rid of the snow, and put them neatly to one side. She then removed her enormous snowsuit and hung it on a hook. They opened the interior door to a wall of warmth coming from the newly stoked fire.
‘Why can’t it be this cosy at night?’ She groaned.
‘Because someone would have to keep it going–and make sure we weren’t all burned to a crisp by a stray faggot,’ said Denise Trench.
‘Are you talking about me?’ asked Alex Neil.
Katie shook her head and went to stick her toes on a piece of warm slate. ‘Shall we get this sorted, then?’ she asked. She looked around. ‘I’m only being bossy because…because, as you all know, I am bossy. Does anyone actually want to do this task?’
Four people nodded.
‘Remind me. Whose team are you all on?’
Paul and Crystal were Team A.
Peter and Tanya were Team B.
‘In which case, we need one more of each. Who can we bludgeon into this? Denise? You fancy it?’
‘No. I’ll do the washing-up.’
There was a slight groan. Denise was the kind of washer-upper who merely moved the dirt around. A dog would have licked the plates cleaner.
‘Flynn?’
‘I’ll do dog feeding and dog-poo shovelling afterwards. Those lovely ickle doggies are so bliss,’ said the astrologer to the stars.
‘Dave? You’d be great,’ Katie said sarcastically.
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