wasn’t even wearing a watch.
The house was nice, even nicer than I remembered it. Expensive furniture, expensive architecture, expensive art. It felt like a museum and it smelled like cinnamon. None of that really mattered, though. When push came to shove, all I could think about was the garage. I couldn’t stop thinking about Amanda tiptoeing down the stairs in the middle of the night, in her nightgown, with her note, grabbing the car keys, heading out there.
I thought about Mr. Anaciello waking early for breakfast, walking into the kitchen in his robe, reaching for the coffee, stopping, cocking his head to one side, listening. Hearing the engine running. Making a face. Wondering. Walking over to the door. Opening it. Coughing in the cloud of exhaust. Eyes burning from the fumes. Panicking. Reaching for the button, opening the garage door. Running over to his car, one hand covering his mouth and nose. Finding Amanda. Dead. Blue. Stiff as a mannequin. Heavy. Lukewarm. Gone. Screaming for his wife. Screaming for help. Screaming for someone to call an ambulance. Shaking Amanda. Trying to shake the life back into her. Screaming her name. Weeping. Pale. Carrying her back inside. Attempting CPR. Pounding on her chest. Saying something along the lines of, “Breathe, goddamnit! Breathe!”
It was pointless to think about those things. But I couldn’t stop.
There was a receiving line in the living room. Wells and I were standing in it, advancing slowly on Amanda’s parents, Jack and Nora. Nobody in line was talking. Everyone was preparing themselves, dealing with their fears, their discomforts, trying to figure out what to say. An impossible task. No words would do. There was nothing to say in a situation like that, nothing that would make them feel any better. The best you could do was say how great Amanda was and how terribly sorry you were that she was gone. In many ways, saying these two things in conjunction would only serve to heighten the sadness.
Jack Anaciello was doing the greeting. His eyes were glistening with tears. He was shaking well-wishers’ hands, whispering to them warmly, thanking them for their presence. He seemed to be holding it together somehow. He was wrinkled and tired. His eyes were bloodshot from tears.
Nora Anaciello was down for the count, laid out on the couch. She wasn’t greeting anyone at all. She was dazed, looking off in the distance at nothing in particular, holding a glass of white wine. She was barefoot and appeared to be medicated. Her high-heeled shoes were sitting side by side on the floor.
Strangely enough, when I stepped up to greet him, Jack Anaciello didn’t even recognize me. He had no idea who I was. Or else he couldn’t remember. Or else he didn’t care to. Or else he was so out of it, he couldn’t put two and two together. When I told him my name, it didn’t seem to register. But he pretended that it did.
“Ah, yes,” he said to me. “Of course. How are you, Wayne?”
And then I started talking about myself. Started rambling. Told him about Boulder. Told him about my degree. Told him about my plans for the future. I felt as though I shouldn’t be talking about the future, that it was somehow very rude to be talking about the future, but for some reason, I couldn’t stop. And somehow Jack Anaciello seemed genuinely interested. His eyes were locked on mine. He was nodding attentively. But he wasn’t all there.
When I finished, he took my right hand and clasped it between both of his, like a politician, and thanked me for coming. I told him how sorry I was once again, how wonderful Amanda was. I told him that all of the beautiful things about her were true. He thanked me. His eyes were watering. So were mine. I walked away.
I walked into the kitchen, picked up a plastic cup, and poured myself a glass of wine. Then I headed out back for another cigarette. There were at least twenty people out there already, puffing away. The deck was packed. People were standing in twos and threes, inhaling and exhaling, mumbling to one another.
I saw M.J. and Nancy standing on the lawn. Both were blowing smoke, ashing into a stagnant birdbath. M.J. looked terrible, pink and puffed up and wrung out, like she’d been weeping for weeks. She saw me and waved, left Nancy, and walked over. I raised a hand and said hello and stepped off of the deck onto the lawn. M.J. gave me a long hug and told me how happy she was to see me. I found this surprising. I didn’t really know what to say.
She asked me if I needed a place to stay, mentioning that a bunch of people were splitting rooms at the TraveLodge over on the Redwood Highway. I told her I was okay, that I was staying at Horvak’s place. She said the name rang a bell. I told her that he went to C.U. She nodded. There was a silence. I looked out across the lawn. There was a red-winged blackbird perched on the rim of the birdbath. Nancy wasn’t standing there anymore.
“This all feels unreal to me,” I said.
“I can’t believe she did it,” M.J. said.
“I don’t think anybody can.”
“I knew she had her problems, but everyone has problems. I didn’t see this. How could I not see this?”
“Nobody did.”
I took a drag of my cigarette, blew a cloud of smoke at the sky, and watched it disappear.
Later that afternoon, all of Amanda’s friends went over to Kathy McCormack’s house. Kathy was a friend of Amanda’s from childhood. Her family lived in a beautiful house on a wooded lot on Morning Sun Avenue in Mill Valley. Wells and I walked in together. The whole place was decked out in white Christmas lights. Everyone was drinking. Bottles and cans everywhere. Kathy greeted us, introduced herself, offered us beers. I took one, thanked her, opened it, and walked outside for another cigarette. I hadn’t stopped smoking since I left the church.
The people on the back porch appeared to be intoxicated. There was a joint going around. Laughter and coughing. It almost seemed like a party.
“Mandy would want it to be a celebration,” I heard someone say. “She wouldn’t want everyone to stand around moping. She wouldn’t want it to be sad.”
It was nearly 5:00 p.m., and already the sun was down. It was December 23. The days are short that time of year. Amanda had killed herself the day before the winter solstice. Somehow that made sense. I finished my beer, smoked two more cigarettes, and made some sporadic small talk on the deck with a guy I didn’t know, some neo-hippie from Petaluma with a mangy beard. He was wearing a fur-lined hat with earflaps.
“It’s a strange day,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Strange energy,” he said.
“Really strange,” I agreed.
“At least we got decent weather,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Amanda brought us good weather,” he said.
A few seconds later, I stuffed my cigarette butt inside an empty beer can and walked back inside.
People were starting to get outwardly drunk in the living room. The talking was getting louder and
