My profound need to see their small bodies resting soundly is overwhelming. It’s difficult for me to believe that they are already nine and seven years old. Time has flown by so fast. My emotions are as raw as my love is strong. As I gently smooth the hair away from their angelic faces and kiss their foreheads, I lay my palms against their hearts so they can each sense my love for them drifting through their innocent sleep.
‘Sweet dreams, my cherubs. My love for you is as deep as the core of the earth and as high as the stars in the sky.’ My voice is low and heavy within my chest, and I breathe their presence deeply into my lungs before gently closing the door behind me.
I return to the kitchen where Martin and Jeremy are still huddled over their notepads, brainstorming strategies and the next steps in my life. As soon as Jeremy senses me in the room he rushes to embrace me in his strong arms. Arms I so desperately long to be cradled in forever, but I know this will be impossible in the short term.
‘Don’t worry, sweetheart, we will get through this.’ He searches my face and cups my cheeks gently between his palms, tilting my head upwards to meet his gaze. I can’t help but notice that his beautiful features are riddled with anxiety; his green eyes are even smokier than ever given the depth of his emotion for me. ‘I won’t let her touch you or the children, Alexa. We will protect you at all costs. I promise you.’
I swallow the lump in my throat that threatens to break me, knowing that Jeremy’s word is his bond and this is never more true than when his promises involve me. I have never in my life needed to be stronger with him than now.
‘Please sit down, Jeremy.’ I guide him back to his seat at the table, knowing I need the advantage of my standing position. I pause until I have their undivided attention.
‘I have made my decision.’
He immediately jumps back up. So much for that strategy.
‘What do you mean, you have made your decision? We haven’t discussed anything yet, besides Martin and I have been working through options —’
‘Jeremy, please,’ I interrupt, ‘there is nothing to discuss. If my children are at risk there is only one solution.’ I steady my hands against the table and take a deep breath, preparing the words I need to release before they falter. ‘The bitch can have my blood. It’s only blood. I want this nightmare to end. If she gets what she wants, maybe my life will be left intact rather than in the pieces in which she seems determined to shred it.’
I’m always shocked to hear myself unexpectedly swear, but it seems Madame Goldy brings out the very worst in me.
‘Over my dead body, Alexa. It is not going to happen.’
A heaviness descends on his mood and the seriousness of his voice confirms that my decision is far from agreed from his perspective. This could be a very long night. He indicates to Martin by a nod of his head to pack up the notes on the table, then takes a firm grip of my elbow and steers me into the lounge room. I hear the front door quietly open and close. Here we go. I brace myself for the inevitable conflict and decide to make the first move.
‘I will not put my children in any danger, Jeremy, ever.’
His arms wrap around me and he doesn’t let me go. He holds my head against his chest, pressing my ear to the beat of his heart, his lips touching the top of my head. I try to stay strong. I try to push him away before I am forced to tear myself away, away from the man I have finally been reunited with after all these years, the man I have loved since I first understood what love could be.
‘Let it go, sweetheart. You don’t need to do this alone. I am here for you. Please, let me be strong for you, for all of you.’ His words penetrate through my implacable facade and my body crumples within his firm grasp. Tears spill from my eyes as his body remains the rock his words promised. Although I still know what path I must take, I have to concede that Jeremy knows exactly what I need right now. He secures me in his embrace until my tears subside, understanding my emotional exhaustion before effortlessly scooping me up and carrying me into the master suite, placing my weary body and mind carefully on the bed as if I’m made of eggshells — a good reflection of how I feel, actually.
‘Do you need something to help you sleep?’ he asks gently.
‘You know what I’m like, Jeremy. Even the weakest drug seems to hit me hard. I’ll see how I go. Right now I have so many uncontrollable thoughts running through my head. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I don’t know what to do.’
‘Can I help in trying to subdue them for a while?’
‘How?’ Wondering where his mind is going.
‘I could run a bath.’
‘Ah …’ I relax a little. ‘What a perfect suggestion.’
‘Lavender?’
The tiniest of smiles appears on my face, accompanying the worry that creases my brow. ‘Of course.’
A few minutes later, slightly calmer, in the serenity of the surrounding warmth of scented water, I snuggle close into Jeremy’s chest as I lie nestled between his legs.
‘Just when everything was going so well, she pulls the rug from beneath our feet — again. Why can’t we find her, J? Why hasn’t she been brought to face any form of justice?’
‘Her time will come, sweetheart, I promise you. Someone like Jurilique will come unstuck eventually, even if it is by her own doing.’
‘Eventually isn’t soon enough. I need her to come unstuck in the next ten days before my life implodes into the unknown yet again.’
His legs immediately tense around my body. ‘You will not be going anywhere near that woman, Alexa.’
I know this isn’t going to be an easy argument to win with him, but he must know that I don’t have a choice given the circumstances, surely?
‘You’ve gone quiet. Why?’ he murmurs into my hair.
He has always been able to ask me the unanswerable. I am quiet. I’m quiet because I don’t want to have this argument, one we should never be forced to have, an argument that will cause us both no end of pain because of who we are and what we know is imperative to our lives. Me to him and my children to me.
I release a deep sigh filled with both frustration and resignation. ‘I honestly don’t know what to say. I feel numb.’
‘I can understand you feeling numb. Just as I feel furious with her heinous demands. But I know you too well, AB, to think that you don’t have thousands of thoughts running through that beautiful head on your shoulders. Please, share them with me. Now more than ever we need to communicate openly with each other. Don’t let her get between us by sending a piece of paper.’
An anxious chuckle escapes me at his oversimplification of my dilemma. ‘Is that how you would describe those headlines if they were about you, Dr Quinn? A mere piece of paper.’
The image of those headlines has been burned indelibly into my brain:
Slut mother shuns kids for kinky sex experiment.
Dr Blake bares all — check out her best angles here.
Psychologist turns Psycho — would you leave
