lowered the telephone and, looking at me with round, sad eyes, said: ‘My daddy says thank you.’
‘That’s OK,’ I said, loud enough for Derek to hear.
‘How long before you can come home, Daddy?’ Beth asked again.
‘Soon, princess. As soon as I’m better,’ Derek said.
‘What’s the matter with you, Daddy?’ Beth now asked.
Derek fell silent and I thought it was a difficult question to answer – to explain mental health to a young child.
‘Things have been getting on top of me,’ he said after a moment, his voice trembling. ‘I keep crying. You saw me. That was wrong. It made you cry too.’
‘I know. I don’t like seeing you cry, Daddy. It makes me upset. I wish you were here with me and I could make you better.’
It went quiet again, and then Beth said: ‘Don’t cry, Daddy. Please don’t cry.’
I heard a stifled sob on the other end of the telephone and then Beth passed the telephone to me. ‘Daddy wants to speak to you.’
I took the phone. I could hear Derek’s muffled sobs. ‘It’s Cathy,’ I said gently. ‘Try not to upset yourself. Beth’s fine. I’m looking after her.’
‘I know you are,’ he said, his voice catching. ‘But I can’t talk to her right now. Hearing her little voice is too upsetting for me. Can you telephone me tomorrow, please? I promise I won’t cry.’
I swallowed hard; the poor dear man, I thought. ‘Yes, of course we’ll telephone tomorrow. Is this time all right for you?’
‘Any time is good,’ Derek said, his voice faltering again. ‘Thank you. Please give Beth my love. I’ll be all right tomorrow, I promise.’ Unable to say any more, he hung up and the line went dead.
I replaced the receiver and looked at Beth. Her eyes glistened and her bottom lip trembled. I took her in my arms and held her. ‘Daddy is a bit upset,’ I said. ‘But he’ll be all right soon. He said to tell you he loves you lots and we’re to telephone again tomorrow.’
‘I love him too,’ Beth said. ‘So, so much.’
Sometimes, fostering can break your heart.
I cuddled Beth until she felt better, then I reassured her that her daddy was being well looked after and we’d speak to him again tomorrow. We then went downstairs to join John, Adrian and Paula, who were covering the table with paper ready to do some painting. Beth sat at the table next to John and was soon joining in, and for the rest of the day she wouldn’t leave John’s side. She followed him like a shadow. Clearly missing her own father, she was taking some comfort in John as a father figure, and it crossed my mind that when John left on Monday for another week working away, Adrian and Paula wouldn’t be the only ones missing him – Beth would too. I also thought it was really nice that Adrian and Paula were able to share their father’s attention so easily with Beth, and I felt very proud of them. They didn’t complain and I recognized how lucky I was that my children were so understanding and accommodating of the children we fostered. It takes the commitment of the whole family to successfully foster.
At bedtime Beth wanted John to kiss her goodnight as he had done the previous night. Paula was already asleep in bed and John was in Adrian’s room helping him complete a large jigsaw puzzle that was spread out all over the floor. This had been a work in progress since Christmas, when the puzzle had been given to Adrian. I called to John from Beth’s room that Beth would like him to say goodnight and he came in. At the same time Adrian called out: ‘Mum! Come and see my puzzle. We’ve nearly finished.’
Leaving John in Beth’s room, I went into Adrian’s room where I admired the puzzle. It had over a thousand pieces and there were only about two dozen left to be fitted.
‘Fantastic!’ I said. ‘You have done well.’
‘I’m not going to break it up when it’s done,’ Adrian said excitedly. ‘Dad said we can glue it on a big board and then he’ll hang it on my bedroom wall.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ I said, and congratulated him again on completing the puzzle.
I came out and retuned to Beth’s room and was slightly surprised to see John sprawled on Beth’s bed with his arms around her. He looked up at me as I entered. ‘Beth wanted a cuddle like her daddy gives her,’ he said innocently.
‘She’s got the photograph of her father under her pillow,’ I said with a feeling of unease. ‘And Mr Sleep Bear.’
Perhaps John heard something in my voice, for, giving Beth a quick kiss on the forehead, he climbed off the bed and returned to Adrian’s room to complete the puzzle. John hadn’t done anything wrong, but seeing him lying on the bed beside Beth hadn’t seemed quite right. Miss Willow’s words had come back to me, and the term ‘inappropriate’. It was a word I would soon be learning a lot about.
Chapter Five
Sunday was another bitterly cold day so we decided to go to the cinema in the afternoon for the three o’clock showing of a newly released Walt Disney film. After lunch – at about half past one – I took Beth upstairs to my room to telephone her father, leaving Adrian and Paula with their father in the living room. Beth perched beside me on the bed while I dialled the number of the hospital, and once the call was connected to the ward Derek came to the telephone very quickly. As soon as he spoke I knew he was in better spirits. His voice was lighter and sounded more alive.
‘Thank you so much for calling. I’m sorry about yesterday,’ he said.
‘There’s no need to apologize,’ I said. ‘I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. I’ll put Beth on now.’
‘Thank you, Cathy.’
I passed the telephone to Beth, who was smiling. ‘Hello, Daddy. How are you?’
‘I’m doing all right,’ I heard Derek say. ‘So, how’s my little princess?’
‘I’m all right too,’ Beth said brightly. ‘We’re going to the cinema this afternoon and I’m going to have popcorn and an ice cream.’
I was pleased that Beth was being positive rather than telling her father that she was missing him, as she had done the day before. I’d had a little chat with her that morning when I’d explained that I thought it would help her father if she kept their conversation happy and told him nice things, so he wouldn’t worry so much about her. Clearly she’d taken on board what I’d said, for she was now describing the games we’d been playing and the paintings she’d done for him, which she said she would give him when she next saw him.
I relaxed, and drawing my legs onto the bed I rested against the headboard, prepared for a long telephone conversation. Presently, Beth did likewise and propped herself beside me on the bed. It crossed my mind that I could leave her talking to her father while I got on with something else, but then I thought that Derek might want to speak to me, and if Beth became upset I wanted to be on hand to comfort her. With us both relaxed back against the bedhead,
