womb and didn’t need to worry about anything more. It wouldn’t do any good for both of us to worry, and anyway, somewhere deep inside my mind I stupidly believed a grill could save me, could save us, could change the expected course of our lives.
“What about something a little less fancy?” Clara asked, as I drooled over the stainless-steel burners and the cast-iron cooking grates. But I don’t want another grill, I nearly whined. I want this one.
It struck a nerve in me, that for as hard as I worked and as much as I sacrificed for my job and my patients, I couldn’t afford a grill, any grill, whatever grill I pleased. But it didn’t make me angry. Instead it left a void, and I found myself feeling desperate to fill it.
I gazed at Clara then, about to explain with logic and reason why this was the grill I needed to have, seeing for the first time what I’d been blind to see, as she nuzzled into my ear and whispered this time, lips pressed to cartilage so I could feel her words all the way down to my toes, “I said that Maisie is out cold.” Clara sat there beside me, hair falling shamelessly into her eyes, lips painted a bloodred, which for Clara only ever meant one thing, and as she breathed into my ear this time, “She’s out like a light,” I felt my hands rise to her, holding on tightly to what was already mine, terrified for the first time in my life that if I let go I might just lose her, too.
Clara meant everything to me, I reminded myself. Not the grill. Not the money.
Only Clara.
I grabbed ahold of her hands and drew her to me as Clara’s fingers worked their way down the buttons of my shirt with only one thing in mind, not caring for one millisecond that the blinds throughout the home were open wide, inviting neighbors to view the scene: the way I raised Clara onto the tabletop, leaning into her, relieved that Maisie still slept in a toddler bed then, with knob covers on her bedroom door handle. There was no way for her to come toddling into the kitchen to find Daddy trying hard to wriggle out of his pants as Mommy wrenched the shirt from her arms, dropping it like hot lava to the tile floors.
“Trust me,” I said, sliding my hands under the hem of a flouncy skirt, the one that vaunted Clara’s spun-out legs, which happened to be the first thing I fell in love with about her: those legs. Those persuasive legs, which she wrapped around me then as if she knew all along this hang-up I had with her legs. She did it on purpose: the skirt, the legs, Maisie in bed earlier than was the norm so she could catch me before my evening torpor set in, the three beers I’d already consumed starting to slow my movements, to have their way with my mind. She pressed her lips to mine, kissing me deeply and completely, as I buried myself into her, trying to think about Clara and only Clara. Clara wanted me in a way that only she had ever wanted me. She gave my life purpose and meaning.
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