going to catch up with you someday,” she commented, eyeballing his midsection.
“Hasn’t yet,” he said. “Other things have, obviously, but not my eating habits.”
She hesitated for a moment, taking two very pointed sips of coffee. Then she put her mug down and looked at him. “By other things do you mean... Lily?”
He sighed heavily, rubbing the back of his neck. He supposed there was no way around having this conversation.
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m the last guy on earth that should be raising a baby by himself. I don’t know a damn thing about kids. And I was not exactly in a white picket fence place. But here I am. When I say I don’t know anything about babies and fatherhood, I mean it.”
“Who is her mother?”
“I know her name, but beyond that, I don’t know much,” he said, shame sliding over him when he said that.
He’d already had to explain this to his brothers, his stepsister, and to their stepmother. He’d never been bothered by his behavior before. Until this.
Because when people talked about him and his reputation it was all euphemistic. Elbowing, winking and nudging. Nobody came right out and said that he had sex with every woman he talked to in a bar, but the fact of the matter was he did. And Lily was undeniable evidence of that.
The fact that he didn’t really know her mother was further evidence of who he was. And put all out in public like that, it shamed him. Knowing that someday he would have to explain to his daughter how he’d acted bothered the hell out of him. Knowing he was the kind of man that he would never, ever want Lily to even speak to was another layer of that altogether. Because he was raising her. And he had to find a way to be better.
“So, she wasn’t your wife.”
“She wasn’t even my girlfriend,” he admitted. “I didn’t know she was pregnant. I hadn’t seen her again, not since we hooked up. And she showed up a couple of months ago with the baby. Told me that she couldn’t do it. I had a paternity test, and I have full, legal custody. Permanently. Lily’s mother gave up her rights.”
“Oh,” Savannah said, looking down.
“It’s not a great story,” he said. “But when I said I was in over my head...”
“You really meant it,” she said softly.
“I sure as hell did.”
Their eyes met and held, and he felt something stretch between them, something that was definitely mutual, and clearly unwelcome. Both for her and for him. He looked away.
“For a while I could wear her for a lot of the ranch work I do, but it’s getting harder.”
She was staring at him, a perplexed expression on her lovely face.
“Yeah,” he said. “I can’t believe those words all just came out of my mouth, either.”
“I have to admit, you don’t look like someone who would have a lot to say on the topic of baby wearing.”
“I never thought I would.” He sighed heavily. “Babies are scary. And I say that as someone who is not scared of much. But... I can’t tell you how many times a night I have to check and make sure she’s still breathing.”
“I don’t have any children of my own,” she said. “But I’ve heard that before.”
“It’s a hell of a thing.”
“Hopefully I’ll make it a little bit easier.”
“What exactly are you getting out of it?” He couldn’t help but ask. After all, she was living in his house and taking care of his daughter. He had a right to know exactly why. Another thing that was hitting him a day late and quite a few dollars short.
“Room and board? Pay?”
“I imagine you could get a job taking care of kids a whole lot of places.”
“I needed to get away,” she said.
It occurred to him then that he maybe should have done a background check on her or something. But he didn’t know how to do a background check on someone. He’d never had to. He’d never had to concern himself with anything like that, but he was letting this woman take care of his baby.
“I’m going to have to ask you why you needed a fresh start,” he said, lifting his coffee mug to his lips. “I want to keep this as professional as possible. But I do need to know a little bit about you personally. And I realize asking you now, on the first day, is maybe a little bit late, but I’m new to all this. I’m not exactly thinking of everything here.”
“I feel the same way,” she said. “I mean, I don’t know anything about you, either. Except for what you told me. But I wanted to get away. I needed to. I’m not running from the law or anything. I just got divorced. Actually, I got divorced about eight months ago, and I tried to keep on living where we were. I loved our little town. But my husband—ex-husband, that is—has lived there all of his life, and there’s no way I can combat that local mentality. His whole family is there and they own half the businesses in town. And they are... They’re angry at me for leaving him.”
“So the asshole made it impossible for you to live there?”
“Basically. And I was not going to go back home to live with my parents. I lived with them until I could legally leave, and as far as I’m concerned, a phone call home once a month is enough.”
“Fair enough. I work right here on the property, and I’ll be back to check on you probably more often today than usual. Just a warning.”
A smile curved the edge of her lips. “Are you afraid to leave her?”
“It doesn’t feel real yet,” he said, his voice rough. “I’ve been afraid to take my eyes off her since the moment her mom handed her to me. Still. And I’m not going to lie, sometimes the responsibility feels so big I almost wish the whole thing was a dream. But then, the minute that thought enters my head...it’s followed by total terror. Because sometimes I feel like nothing in my life was anything until her. I’m not sure I can ever go back.”
That was the worst part. Wanting something of his old life, and knowing it wouldn’t feel the same. He could never see himself or the things he used to do the same way again. Not now. “I better head out.”
“I’ll be fine. I remember where everything is.”
“If you need anything...”
“I have your phone number. I have your stepsister’s phone number. I have both your brothers’ numbers.”
“And I’ll be back.”
“I know.”
For the first time in three months, Jackson Reid stepped outside with empty arms and headed out to work.
