Soloist: Eloise Lawrance
Eloise noticed her hands trembling, before she actually felt them lightly touch the bold print where she had expected to see her name. Her entire body went numb, not allowing her to feel the emotion she knew was brewing beneath her skin. Life swirled on around her, but it didn’t seem to touch her. She was present, but in her mind she was not really there. This had to be false – a prank perhaps? But no one could be that cruel; ballet dancers were finely honed creatures, physically strong yet their self-esteem so very fragile.
How could it be? Her life’s work – had it honestly come to this? How could she face her peers in light of this demotion? How could she face the world? She was the Principal of the Royal Ballet, not Natalia! They might as well have broken her legs, such was the pain in her heart.
The force that had driven her for years to study, to practise, to hone her skills hour after hour, day after day, all ultimately heading to the role of top ballerina at one of the greatest ballet companies the world had known, all had come to nothing, because the role she had aspired to had been cruelly snatched from beneath her wings. Although she had always loved Swan Lake, Sleeping Beauty and The Nutcracker, she had done them all to death, the movements so deeply entrenched in her muscles that she barely needed to engage her brain as they toured around the world doing one performance after another. Manon had been her opportunity to challenge, interpret and ultimately shine – to firmly establish herself in the history of the Royal Ballet as Number One for this day and age.
Eloise fell in a crumpled heap onto the cold concrete floor, as the pain of disappointment crashed over her limbs. They had finally broken her spirit, snapped it in half.
Though she was so often complimented on her demure presence, controlled emotions and grace, both on and offstage, suddenly uncontainable anger ripped through her veins and she got up and tore the menacing announcement from the notice board then charged along the corridor and up the stairs.
The futility of her years of silence, acquiescence and unswerving commitment suddenly seemed to burst the synapses of her brain. How dare some young Russian upstart from the Bolshoi Ballet replace her! Just because the company had recently appointed a new renegade choreographer, Xavier, who preferred the Russian dancer’s style and chutzpah! It was she who was the lead ballerina of this company, she who had been classically trained at this very school for more than a decade, she who had only just been promoted to the iconic position of Principal. Unfortunately, it was also she who had nothing else to live for now the role of her career had been snatched away …
Unaccustomed to not being in control of her emotions, Eloise was seething as she threw open the door of the company director’s office unannounced. Her slight frame trembled as she stared daggers at Sir Lloyd Barclay.
He could barely make eye contact as he shifted hastily from behind his desk to close the door discreetly behind her.
‘Ah, Eloise, I’m assuming you have seen the cast sheet.’
As he uttered the words she saw her life shatter into tiny pieces before her eyes.
‘That was my role, Lloyd! It was promised to me!’
With uncharacteristic vengefulness she pinned the piece of paper to his chest with her finger, though it merely floated to the floor as he stepped back behind his desk, which provided him with a physical barrier of authority and immediately diluted the emotive force between them.
Lloyd still avoided looking at her. ‘That’s nonsense, my dear. You know as well as I that nothing is guaranteed in this business, and that disappointment is part and parcel of being a dancer. Someone with your experience knows that anything can change at a moment’s notice. Naturally, this is hard news for you to take in, but you will still be Natalia’s understudy, of course, and –’
His words permeated her thoughts. But the Royal Ballet isn’t business; it is art, culture and beauty. It’s my entire life!
For the first time ever, she wasted not a moment in interrupting him.
‘I will not tolerate being the understudy or a soloist. You know I don’t deserve such a demotion. The role of Manon was mine, anything less is insulting!’
She furiously spat the words towards him, astounding herself with her aggressive behaviour. She had never spoken an angry word to anyone in her life, having always kept a tight lid on her emotions until they could be expressed onstage via another character.
Lloyd seemed to change tack. ‘Under normal circumstances I would agree with you, Eloise. But you know as well as I that this role is demanding – both emotionally and physically. It will put your ankle under too much strain. We can’t take the risk, and, well, decisions have to be made and, ah, well, have been, I’m afraid – as you have seen.’ His facial expression tensed then softened in an attempt to placate her fury.
‘My ankle has nothing to do with this!’
‘You need to be patient, my dear – give Xavier some time to understand your true talent and your body time to heal.’
‘Then why isn’t he giving me the chance to prove that the role should be mine? You know I can dance through pain. It has never affected my performance.’
Even though they weren’t particularly close, Eloise had always considered Sir Lloyd her ally, her dancing guardian, almost like the grandfather she had never known. Now the person before her seemed nothing more than a condescending old man determined to destroy her career.
Eloise took a deep breath to ensure her voice was measured. She could barely whisper her next words, her anger – or was it fear? – barely contained beneath the surface of her skin.
‘I know my ankle isn’t the real reason, Lloyd. You owe me the truth.’
‘Well … you have to understand that this is Xavier’s first ballet with us. He is looking for more depth and emotion, I suppose, for a role like this. He believes Natalia has your technical ability … but also dances with more passion and verve. It’s in her genes. She has more life experience to draw upon for the complex role of Manon.’
He rose from behind his desk and placed his hand on her shoulder, which she deftly shrugged off. He shook his head, not sure what to do next. He, like everyone else, had never encountered this side of Eloise. Up until now she had always addressed him with deference.
The more Lloyd tried to convince her of the wisdom of Xavier’s decision, the more blurred his words became to Eloise as his voice faded into the background of her mind.
‘Natalia has more grit … edge … emotional depth …
‘We know you are technically brilliant but your desire for perfection and control is inhibiting your performance …
‘Ballet has been your entire life for more than a decade … Perhaps you should take a break if you’re not content with being a soloist … explore something new for a while … get some perspective … At twenty-two there’s still time to find yourself, discover who you really are, what you truly want in life … I’d be more than happy to approve a leave of absence given how upset you are …’
I am a ballerina.
It’s
