the meetings are not the problem, they are a symptom of the problem. You are going to be upsetting the status quo. It could get messy.
Great meetings are a noble destination. The question is, are you prepared to do what it takes to get there? [CUE: stirring action movie soundtrack with snare drums and lone bugle. Distant at first but building to the end of this chapter.]
We’re not looking for trainers (training coming as it does from the Latin to drag) but for undercover agents of change.
This isn’t about moving the paper clips around. It’s about setting off a meeting revolution in your business. And that’s going to need meeting revolutionaries. We are looking for people who want to make a difference and understand you may need to be a little unorthodox to achieve that. It’s for people who want to see a real difference in their meetings and for that effect to last. (How am I doing in enrolling you, by the way? This wouldn’t be a bad way to set intent and engage people at the beginning of a meeting. Particularly if you add a warning …)
But, before you volunteer, there’s something you should know. It’s a dangerous world out there in Nearly Meeting Land. The inhabitants don’t like to be pushed around. They’ll just push back. This is not for the shy or the unadventurous! You’re going to have to be missionary, secret agent, psychologist, and aid worker rolled into one.
Before you sign up, ask yourself: are you the sort of person who could …
• Operate in disguise, changing who you appear to be to suit different meeting situations? This could also include deep deception or what we call “going native,” pretending to be one of the boring people to gain their trust.
• Become an expert in forgery, quickly separating valuable meetings from counterfeit ones?
• Hijack meetings from individuals who don’t know how to lead them as well as setting off the occasional full-scale mutiny to regain control when the leadership has gone to sleep?
• Set up revolutionary cells, operating under new meeting rules without permission or fear?
• Defuse unexploded bombs of emotion which lie under the surface of even polite meetings and also setting off the occasional controlled detonation?
• Practice biological warfare, releasing viruses that make your colleagues allergic to unhealthy practices and create effective new addictions to replace their current ones?
• Be bad. Nothing is going to change unless you are prepared to misbehave a little. At school you’d be punished for being a disruptive influence, here it’s an entry requirement. But being bad also means not looking good. Are you willing to try something new and get it wrong? I ask because a lot of us would do anything rather than appear fallible, and even the toughest meeting revolutionaries can unravel when their ego is threatened. Mistakes are inevitable if you really commit to doing things differently. Can you handle that and learn from them?
And, finally, could you
• Be ruthless, mercilessly killing off “nearly” meetings you don’t need? You’ll be brutally hacking into the undergrowth of regular meetings choking your day. And culling the cute, furry little ad hoc meetings that look up with those puppy eyes and say, “Take me home, I won’t take up much time and I’ll make you feel soooo important.”
If you can answer yes to these questions, then welcome to the rest of the book. Please, stand and repeat after me the motto of the Guild of Meeting Mischief Makers. “Finis ad Fastidium!”† That’s “Bore No More,” to you and me.
Remember, this isn’t a book about boring meetings and whether you want to have them. It’s a book about boring lives and whether you want to live one.
* Despite our title I’m not sure I’d recommend a donut as a meeting snack. As the New York Obesity Research Center puts it, “The average donut is nothing more than refined sugar and flour, artificial flavors and partially hydrogenated oil that’s loaded with trans fats. When it comes to health, the only thing good about them is the hole.”
† Some clients do prefer the alternative Latin motto which goes: “Quaerimus Et Si Non Invenio Facimus Malum” (we go looking for trouble—and if we don’t find any, we make some) but it’s harder to print on a T-shirt.
The Multi-billion dollar unforced error of Business
I worked with a major UK insurance firm a few years ago. Every year eager executives would ask its CEO what his vision was for the following year. His answer was always the same: “To make one less huge mistake.” He was experienced enough to know that the revenue would flow in. His concern was wasting it once it arrived. If he could tackle or prevent this year’s big—and avoidable—mistake, then the revenue would really count instead of gushing away into a deep hole of the company’s own making.
This chapter is about a big mistake that almost all companies are going to make this year. And the next. And the one after that. I call it Nearly Meeting.
How do you know if you are nearly meeting?
A nearly meeting is any meeting where the participants fail to get real value out of their coming together. They are the ones which offer a poor return on the time and effort invested—for the individuals taking part and the organizations they work for.
Nearly meetings are the ones where problems are half solved, the issues are partially understood, the right things are almost said. They come that close to being useful. If you ever stagger out of a meeting room wondering where the day went and what you did with it, you’ve probably been nearly meeting. You’ll have semi-resolved problems, almost discussed what truly needs to be discussed and practically decided what to do about it.
I am reminded of Billy Crystal’s magician character in William Goldman’s fairytale comedy The Princess Bride who claims the hero isn’t alive or dead, but “mostly dead.” And so it is with nearly meetings. We are “mostly” meeting. And it’s completely frustrating.
People complain about the difficulties of virtual meetings—as though if only people were off the phone and in a room together the problem would be solved. All nearly meetings are virtual—whether you are face to face or not. We should probably not even call them meetings at all; missings would be more accurate.
“Busy day, dear?”
“Murder. I’ve been in back-to-back missings since 7.30.”
Nearly meeting is a strange no-man’s-land between being separate and really connecting. I suggest it’s where many of us spend the majority of our working days.
Counting the cost
Whoa. Did you just give me “the look”? It’s the imperceptible tightening of the brows and lips which says, “I am a hard-nosed business person and
