the past year and a half, everything’s been about my sister, Jude’s, wedding. At least all this will be over soon and we’ll be able to go back to our normal lives.
As I walk to the terminal entrance I get out my cell and text Blake:
Hurry. You can smoke in the car.
I hate it when Blake smokes when he’s driving, but if we wait for him to have a smoke outside he’ll end up talking to someone and then he’ll want to take down their cell number (Blake’s got more friends than any sane person can remember), and then he’ll notice the colour of the sky or a sad-looking piece of trash on the sidewalk and feel inspired to write down some lyrics. And then he’ll find a reason to have a second cigarette and he’ll suggest we take a detour somewhere, for the hell of it, and before we know it, we’ll have missed the whole wedding.
And, besides Jude and Stephen, the bride and groom, if there’s one person this wedding can’t go ahead without, it’s Blake. He’s singing the song. The song.
When I step into the arrivals lounge, things look even worse.
The people clutching the flowers and Welcome Home banners don’t look like they’re meant to look: bouncy with excitement about seeing whoever it is they came to collect. They look stressed out.
A red-faced man has one of the airport staff by his shirt collar and is yelling into his face.
The something’s wrong feeling pushes back up my oesophagus and I get that biley taste at the back of my throat.
It has nothing to do with you, I tell myself. Just focus on finding Blake.
I breathe slowly in and out until I feel better.
I check my phone again and read Blake’s last message:
ETA: 10.15am.
Followed by another message a few minutes later:
See you at Dulles.
Dulles! As in Dulles International Airport in Washington DC.
DC is where we live. And Dulles is the airport Blake’s flown in and out of a million times. I’ve lost track of the number of Heathrow-Dulles flights I’ve booked for him. I joke that I’m the one who always brings Blake home, to our small apartment in Washington, to our family. You’re my guiding star, Air, he jokes. Only it’s not a joke: if it weren’t for me, God knows where Blake would end up.
Which might be the reason he got confused – maybe he thought he was just flying into Dulles, coming home, as usual, and that I’d pick him up and that we’d drive to the wedding together.
But that wasn’t the plan. And I’d told him the plan a million times:
Mum, Dad and Jude were driving down to Nashville a week ahead to make preparations for the wedding.
I’d follow a few days later.
And I’d pick him up at Nashville airport and bring him to the hotel.
Book a flight to Nashville, I’d told him, over and over, knowing it would take a while to sink in.
Nashville is where the wedding is taking place. It’s the city where Dad grew up and took us for every holiday when we were kids. And it’s the city Blake loves more than anywhere in the world.
It made sense for him to fly straight into Nashville: it allowed him to squeeze in a few extra gigs in London before the wedding. He’d already complained about having to cut his UK tour short.
I look at my phone again. I still can’t believe that he flew into Dulles. Seriously? The airports are 700 miles apart, in totally different states – in different time zones for Christ’s sake. It’s not like they’re easy to mix-up.
Though I shouldn’t be surprised. Blake is mess-up central.
Two days ago, I got this random voicemail from him. It wasn’t even from his phone – which is why I didn’t pick up. He explained that he’d lost his cell and that he was borrowing a phone. There was so much noise in the background that he was shouting. He was probably at a gig.
Then he landed the bombshell:
Can you book the return flight for me? Run out of cash. Thanks sis, got to go. Love you.
Casual. Totally casual.
Blake only ever books one-way tickets. His plans are constantly changing, so it doesn’t make sense to book more than a few days ahead. And he’s always short of cash. So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. Only, this was different: it was forty-eight hours before our sister’s wedding.
And I’d reminded him – like a thousand times – that he had to book a return flight well in advance.
But had he listened to any of my very clear instructions about the wedding? About where it was taking place and when and at what time and which airport he had to fly into?
No. Obviously, no.
And, two nights ago, when he left that message, saying that he hadn’t booked his flight yet – like it was nothing – did I bail him out, again?
Yes. Obviously, yes.
So, even though it was three in the morning and I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, I got out the debit card Mom and Dad set up for me, and booked the flight from Heathrow to Nashville, as planned.
Jude, Blake and I all have a card with separate accounts set up in our names. It’s Mom and Dad’s way of teaching us to be responsible with money. Only Blake keeps maxing his out and then I have to bail him out with my card. The thing is, Mom gets alerts when any of us spend more than $50 so I texted her, explaining that Blake had forgotten to book a return ticket and that he didn’t have any money but that she didn’t need to worry, I was on it. Everything was going to be fine. Blake messing up is a scenario she’s familiar with. She answered with: OK. Just get him here.
Mom never blames Blake for anything. She never even blames him for maxing out his debit card. She’s got this massive blind spot where he’s concerned. Being pissed off at how Mom is totally soft when it comes to Blake is one of the few things Jude and I bond over.
Then I sent a text message to the phone he’d called from with the flight details for the totally overpriced last-minute ticket. That I’d meet him at Nashville airport and take him to the hotel.
I sent him a few other texts too, not caring what stranger would read them first, telling him how pissed I was that he’d woken me up and how expensive the flight was and that he’d better be on time.
He never answered any of my texts.
I don’t really believe in praying: I don’t think anyone out there is listening. Except, perhaps, some life form on a planet we haven’t discovered yet. But not a God-like figure. Not someone who directs our lives. That night, though, I found myself begging that if there was some force out there who decided whether things work out or get fucked up, that Blake would get my messages. That whoever he’d
