the group beyond a couple of indecipherable mumbles. Nick had been quiet too, listening intently as he pulled at the starched cuffs of his pristine white shirt.
‘So, where was I?’ Jodie asked with forced cheeriness, only to find she couldn’t continue. She tipped back her head and blinked hard for a second or two before straightening up. ‘You’d think I’d be able to control these flipping tears by now. Can you believe I went a whole week without crying last month? Honestly, I’m so sorry.’
‘You don’t have to apologise, not here,’ Tara reminded her.
‘I know, but sometimes it would be nice to say what I want to say without breaking down. It’s not like it was something sad, not really. All I wanted to share was that I bit the bullet and went out clubbing with my mates the other week,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t looking to meet anyone, but all my friends are in couples and they’re desperate to hook me up with someone new. They spent the entire night striking meerkat poses to check out potential candidates.’
‘Did you mind?’ asked Justine.
‘Not really, or not at first. I know they just want to see me happy again.’
‘Only you can know when the time’s right,’ Steve said. He had introduced himself earlier, explaining how he’d nursed his wife through treatment for ovarian cancer. It hadn’t worked, the disease had been detected too late because a thirty-four-year-old mother of two presenting with symptoms couldn’t possibly have cancer. ‘You shouldn’t feel pressurised, Jode. It could be they’re only interested in pairing you up because they’re worried you’ll sink your claws into one of their husbands. The last time I went to what had been one of our regular couples’ nights, the men were ridiculously possessive of their wives. Probably explains why I wasn’t invited back.’
Blood rushed to April’s cheeks as she thought about her inner circle of friends. They had all rallied around her after Jason died, but April had slowly distanced herself. It was too painful to go out without Jason and, like Steve, she had detected a growing awkwardness too. She didn’t think her friends saw her as any sort of competition, but it did happen, didn’t it? People formed inappropriate attachments to their friends’ partners all the time, and you didn’t have to be widowed for it to happen.
Jodie rolled her eyes. ‘Seriously, Steve, I’m not a threat, and my mates know it. The idea of being with anyone else still feels like cheating on Ryan, and I couldn’t do that to him – especially with one of our friends.’
April took a breath. This was it. This was why she was here. She needed to delve deeper into Jodie’s theory about what friends would and wouldn’t do – what Jason would or wouldn’t do. Finally, she could tell a group of strangers what she couldn’t share with anyone else; that when she grieved for her husband, she felt a burning anger and a growing fear. Was it normal to suspect your dead husband of cheating on you? She needed to know.
April was about to share her darkest fears with the group, but before she could muster the courage, Nick cleared his throat to speak. The breath April had been holding escaped with a soft gasp, and she was left feeling crushed but temporarily relieved. What if she were wrong to suspect Jason? Worse still, what if she were right?
‘I’ve no idea how I’d fare in a new relationship,’ Nick began. ‘How could anyone compare to Erin when I choose to remember only the best parts of our relationship? I’ll never love anyone like I loved her. She was perfect.’
Nick turned to meet April’s gaze. He was seeking reassurance, but April lowered her head and closed her eyes as a rush of sacred memories assaulted her. She had once thought Jason was perfect too.
‘Would you like to tell us about Erin?’ asked Justine.
‘Sure,’ Nick said. He pulled at his cuff, unable to continue until it was straight. ‘Erin found a lump in her breast and pretty soon after we were told it was cancer. She was only thirty-two and it didn’t seem real.’ He paused a moment before adding, ‘I should explain that Erin and I weren’t married, but I asked Justine and she said it would be OK with you guys.’
Justine nodded. ‘I told Nick we recognise the love between two people and not what’s written on a certificate. Our differences bring us together, they don’t set us apart,’ she said. ‘Lisa and I had a civil partnership, but I’ve never been treated any differently in this group.’
‘Not marrying Erin is one of my deepest regrets,’ Nick admitted. ‘I was stupid. I didn’t appreciate what I had until it was too late. She had treatment, but there were secondaries and she never did get the all-clear we were praying for. The last thing Erin said to me was not to waste my life thinking about what might have been. I couldn’t believe how brave and noble she was, right up to the end.’
‘I’m sure you were brave too,’ said a woman sitting next to Steve. Nadiya was another thirty-something with three children to bring up after her husband had drowned on an ill-fated boat trip.
‘If you’d seen me, you wouldn’t have thought so. I was useless to her.’
‘My husband had cancer too,’ Tara explained. ‘And I remember feeling that sense of impotence. It was their fight, their suffering, and we were the bystanders.’
‘How did you cope?’ Nick asked.
‘I have no idea,’ Tara said, but she glanced at Justine and added, ‘Actually I do. I had family and friends like Justine who looked after me and my baby so I could look after Mike in his last months. I’m sure I appeared brave, but I was a mess inside.’
‘Two years on and I’m still a mess,’ Nick said, head down as he tugged at his shirt sleeve. He sniffed back tears before adding, ‘Sorry.’
There was a pause that no one tried to fill until it became clear that Nick had said as much as he could for his first meeting. One or two people glanced at April. It was her turn, but after listening to Nick, her emotions were pinballing between the pain of her loss and her anger.
Steve was close enough to hear her gulp as she struggled to swallow a mouthful of cold coffee and he offered her a reprieve. ‘It’s not all gloom and doom,’ he said. ‘There are some of us who make new relationships work, aren’t there Tara? Where’s Iain tonight?’
If April wasn’t mistaken, there was a blush rising in Tara’s cheeks. ‘At home looking after the girls.’
‘Your place or his?’ asked Nadiya, quick to join in the teasing that brought light back to a room crowded with ghosts.
‘My flat, although I won’t be living above the shop for much longer. Iain and I have put an offer in for a house around the corner on Pebble Street,’ Tara replied. She bit her lip as she waited for the group’s reaction. It was Nick and April’s frowns she noticed first. ‘Sorry, I should explain. Iain’s another member of the group and this lot have had to listen to us debating whether or not to move in together for a while now. We each have a daughter and we didn’t want to rush things.’
‘And how are the girls taking the news?’ Nadiya asked.
‘We haven’t told them yet, but I know Molly’s going to be thrilled. She’ll be glad not to have to share her poky little bedroom with Lily whenever she stays over.’
