was unperturbed. ‘What?’
‘I’m serious!’ said Edie. ‘There’s actual smoke!’
‘Where?’ said Murph.
‘All around you!’ said Edie.
‘There is!’ said Laura.
Murph turned and looked. ‘Oh Jesus, lads. I was warned! If you tell this story on Hallowe’en night, it’ll come true.’
‘What?’ said Edie, getting to her feet. ‘Why did you tell it? What do you mean, it’ll come true?’
‘Unless,’ said Murph, ‘we all say “Sister Cuntsolata” three times backwards.’
Everyone looked at him.
Murph burst out laughing. ‘It’s a smoke bomb. Special effects, lads. Special effects.’
‘You prick!’ said Laura. ‘Where did you get your hands on a smoke bomb?’
‘I made it!’ said Murph. ‘A bit of this, a bit of that.’
Jessie reached into Laura’s bag for another can. She turned to Murph. ‘Can I still say Sister Cuntsolata three times?’
‘You can, of course,’ said Murph. A rush of white smoke appeared behind him.
‘Right!’ said Clare. ‘Open the door, someone. I’ve seen my cousins with these – there’s a reason you’re only meant to use them outside.’
‘Jesus – I know,’ said Murph. ‘Relax. It was only for a minute. Then I was going to fuck it out across the grass. I even have my protective glove lined up.’
‘So you want to draw the nuns on us?’ said Laura. ‘Throwing it out across the grass? No fucking way.’
‘To create a distraction,’ said Murph.
Edie started to cough.
‘The drama,’ said Murph.
‘Can you just put the fucking thing out?’ said Laura.
‘It’s not on fire,’ said Murph. ‘It’s fine. It’s safe.’
‘I’m happy here with my cans,’ said Jessie, closing her eyes, smiling.
Helen and Laura exchanged glances. ‘Locked,’ Helen mouthed.
‘Probably better off,’ said Laura.
Murph was starting to disappear into a cloud of smoke. ‘Okaaay,’ he said, standing up. ‘Maybe open the door.’
‘Why are there flames, then?’ said Jessie, looking up at everyone.
‘What?’ said Edie, panicked.
‘If it’s not on fire,’ said Jessie. ‘Murph said it wasn’t on fire.’
‘I can’t see any flames,’ said Clare.
‘There really are flames,’ said Jessie. She pointed into the corner. ‘Are those not flames?’
Murph rolled his eyes, but then he turned around. ‘Oh shit.’
Edie ran for the door.
Murph pointed to the corner. ‘Laura! Throw me that sheet, and that brush.’
Laura grabbed them and flung them at him. He threw the sheet on to the flames and used the handle of the brush to poke at it. The smoke bomb was still smoking.
Edie cried out from the door. ‘OK – this isn’t funny! Murph!’
‘What’s wrong with you now?’ he said.
Edie was holding up the doorknob.
‘What’s that?’ said Murph. ‘Did that come off? I didn’t do that. I swear to God!’
Murph’s eyes were so filled with fear that Edie started to cry. ‘Oh, God! No! No! No!’ She turned to the door and started slapping her hands against it. ‘Help us! Help! Help! Help!’
‘Shut the fuck up!’ said Laura, lunging for her. ‘For fuck’s sake. We’re going to get caught! We’ll be fucked!’
‘We’re surely fucked if we can’t get out,’ said Murph, striding past Laura to the door. Clare and Helen followed.
‘Seriously – how are we supposed to get out?’ said Edie.
Behind them, Jessie stood up, swaying, holding her drink high, trying not to spill it.
Laura was pointing to the hole where the doorknob should have been. ‘Can you not just turn the thing inside it?’
‘You can’t,’ said Murph. ‘You have to slide something in between the door and the frame to knock the latch back.’
Edie was sobbing.
‘Shut up,’ said Laura. ‘It’s not like we’re not going to get out.’
‘And I don’t think that sheet worked,’ said Jessie.
The others turned around, and saw the flames crawling along it.
‘Jessie! Get up, for God’s sake!’ said Clare.
‘Get over here!’ said Laura.
‘Will I throw some cider on it?’ said Jessie.
‘No!’ said Laura. ‘Get the fuck away from it!’
‘Don’t throw anything on it except water,’ said Clare.
‘Lads – what’s in those bottles under the counter?’ said Laura. ‘Could any of them be water? Those ones look like camping bottles.’
Jessie bent, put down her can, and picked up a bottle.
‘No, no, no!’ said Clare. ‘Don’t let her near anything! Don’t!’
Jessie started unscrewing the lid. ‘I’m only smelling it.’ She put it too close to her mouth, and tipped some on to her lips. ‘Oh, God no,’ she said, recoiling. ‘That’s kerosene.’ She swung the bottle wide, and everyone watched, horrified, as it sent an arc of fuel across the room.
‘Nooo!’ said Edie, hammering on the door, screaming for help.
‘Get her, Murph!’ shouted Helen, pointing at Jessie.
Flames were starting to rise. Murph reached a hand towards Jessie. ‘Get the fuck over here now.’
‘I’m coming, I’m coming,’ said Jessie. ‘Relax.’ But she took a step sideways, leaned too far, and then staggered back to the other counter.
‘OK – don’t move,’ said
