Ava said, stepping back to let her best friend in, grinning at the unexpected visit. They didn’t see each other often enough, and exchanging texts hardly did justice to the number of years they’d had each other’s backs. It couldn’t be helped. Natasha was Head of Philosophy at Edinburgh University, not to mention chairing numerous panels and writing articles. The two of them almost never managed to make their free evenings coincide. ‘You just caught me,’ she checked her watch, ‘but I’ve got time to put the kettle on. God, it’s good to see you.’
Natasha turned, shrugging off her coat slowly and putting it carefully on a hook before following Ava into the kitchen.
‘You mean you’ve actually got milk in your fridge that’s in date?’ Natasha smiled.
‘You’re so rude. I’m pretty sure I have.’ She opened her fridge door and peered at the label on a milk carton. ‘Aha, see, still good until tomorrow. Now you’ll have to apologise!’
‘Apologise my arse,’ Natasha said, sitting down. ‘Ava, I need to talk to you.’
‘Yes, please, anything. I’ve had a bloody awful morning so far. Seriously, probing grieving parents for details of their child’s life at the worst possible moment. You know it’s going to be bad, but nothing prepares you for the sense of devastation.’ She stretched her arms waiting for the kettle to boil. ‘Want some toast?’
‘No, thanks. I’m not hungry. Sit down with me.’
‘No time.’ Ava grabbed a hairband from her pocket and tied her long, curly brown hair up high on her head. ‘I’ve got two different teams working up cases, one here and one in France. Thank God Luc was already there or I’d have lost two officers to liaison posts.’
‘Ava,’ Natasha said firmly. ‘I have cancer.’
Ava looked at her, frowned as she half smiled, shook her head.
‘What are you talking about?’
‘I found a lump in my left breast a month ago. The doctor was great, referred me straight to the hospital. The consultant’s been amazing. They operated two weeks ago, removed a sample and did a biopsy. I got the results yesterday afternoon.’
Ava closed her eyes, waited, opened them again, gritted her teeth.
‘A month?’ she said eventually. ‘You’ve been going through this for a fucking month and you’re at my door for the first time today?’ Her voice was at yelling pitch. ‘How the fuck could you ever think that was okay?’ She turned, tried to pick up the kettle but slopped boiling water across the tops of the mugs and her hand.
‘Ava, stop, please,’ Natasha said, standing and walking round the table towards her.
‘No,’ Ava said. ‘If you’re here, it’s because it’s bad news, and I can’t hear it, Tasha. God help me, I know it’s you going through this, not me, but I can’t have anything happen to you. I don’t want to hear it. I can’t stand it.’
Natasha wrapped her arms around Ava’s shoulders, holding her tight.
‘I couldn’t have this conversation before I knew for sure what it was. You’d have made the same choice. It was less painful not to think too hard about it. I knew you’d want to come to every appointment with me, ask every question, cross-examine the doctors, but I just wanted to let it all happen without a fight.’
‘How bad?’ Ava whispered into her friend’s hair.
‘Bad, but not hopeless. I won’t give you all the medical terms. I’ve driven myself mad looking it all up already. It’s stage two. I’ll need another operation, chemo, maybe radiation therapy, then they’ll review again and see how I’m doing.’ She stepped back, wiping tears from Ava’s face with her thumbs.
‘Oh holy shit. I’m so sorry I shouted at you. I’m such an idiot. You came here because you needed me, and I …’
‘Actually, I came here for you to yell at me and get it out of your system. You’re nothing if not predictable,’ she grinned.
‘Go to hell,’ Ava said, more tears falling. ‘Tasha, I have to ask.’
‘It’s all right,’ Natasha said. ‘Roughly speaking, there’s a fifty per cent survival rate for the type of cancer I have at this stage. It’s nowhere else in my body yet which is the good news. Apparently my aunt had it too, so there’s a family history to take into account, although I found out about that, as ever, when it was too late for a heads-up.’
‘So you’ve told your parents then?’ Natasha nodded. ‘How were they with you?’
‘Well, they managed not to ask if it was something I’d caught because I’m a lesbian, so I guess that was progress.’ She laughed, and Ava’s kitchen rang with the hollowness of it. ‘They were shocked, I think, but told me they’re sure I’ll be fine. Not what I wanted to hear, oddly. I mean, I want people to be reassuring, but it’s so bland when it happens like that. Almost dismissive, like they can’t cope with the reality so it’s an easy line to trot out.’
Ava sighed.
‘Still want that tea?’ she asked.
‘Damn right I do. I can’t drink booze at the moment, so tea’s about my only decent option.’ Ava busied herself with the mugs and teabags. ‘Anyway, I’m here to ask you to just stand by me, I suppose. At the moment, I’m not quite sure what’s ahead. I have another appointment at the hospital tomorrow to agree a treatment plan. I know you’re busy with your caseload but …’
‘I’ll be there,’ Ava said. ‘Whatever you need. Just message me about the time. I’ll drive you.’
‘You don’t have to go that far,’ Natasha smiled, taking the offered mug and sitting back down at the kitchen table with it.
‘Oh, that’s just because you’re a liability on the road already. I honestly can’t let the general public be put at risk if you’re even more distracted than usual.’ Ava sat opposite her.
‘Fuck you,’ Natasha grinned.
‘I love you,’ Ava retorted. ‘And I’m so ashamed about how I reacted. I wasn’t angry at you.’
‘I know that.’ Natasha reached across and took Ava’s hand in hers. ‘Do you remember when we were fourteen and that little gobshite Barry Beckwith told everyone he’d put his hand up my skirt? I came to you crying. Everyone was gossiping about it, and I thought my life was basically over.’
‘I screamed at you because you hadn’t punched him in the face as soon as you found out. Did you have to remind me?’ Ava laughed.
‘The next day, Barry turned up at whatever awful party we were at, with a black eye and a cut lip, telling everyone he’d been mugged for his backpack. I knew it was you, even though you never admitted it.’
‘I hated seeing you hurt like that.’ Ava smiled gingerly. ‘I still do. At least I could just go and punch Barry Beckwith. What the hell am I supposed to do with this?’
‘Hold my hand, make me laugh, give me space when I ask for it. What actually did happen with Barry
