I can think about is Garrick’s phone. I’m continually aware of its weight in my pocket, as if it’s calling to me. Has anything new arisen? Will I leave this office to find police officers waiting for me? My fingers tingle with frustration, and still Jonathan and Ulrich go on and on about leverage, bandwidth and accountability.
Eventually, they even bore themselves and decide to dedicate the rest of the day to swapping tales of their riotous youth.
‘We’re going for a quick drink,’ Jonathan says. He looks at me, slightly nervous. ‘You don’t want to come, Julia, do you?’
I’m tempted to say yes just to annoy him. Instead, I tell him I have work to do.
The second they leave I head straight to the toilets.
As always with such torturous waits, they’re in vain – no new information has been reported from Guildford. I’m disappointed, though I should be relieved. I’m becoming over reliant on Garrick’s phone, I won’t be able to keep it for ever. And I worry about my own phone. How would a stranger interpret the anonymous texts? What assumptions would be made about their being sent to me? At some point I’ll have to dump the phones as I did Brandon’s lump of a Nokia, over twenty years ago.
I wonder what happened to it. For how long are phone records kept? Has the Nokia been smashed to pieces or is it fifty feet deep in some Kentish landfill? Does it hold a trace of me, a hair, a fragment of fingernail?
My phone rings. Another false alarm.
‘Hi, hon,’ Pearl says. ‘You didn’t reply to my text. Are you coming round tonight?’
‘Audrey’s coming to stay.’
‘Tomorrow then.’
‘Rudi won’t mind?’
‘’Course not. Come for dinner. We need to catch up with all your shit.’
Pearl thinks my shit is the end of my marriage. She’s been in the States for the past three months. She wanted me to go over there and stay with her when she heard about my separation, but I had to be nearby in case Sam needed me. Which he hasn’t.
‘I won’t be able to get there until eight.’
‘You work too hard – and the girls will be in bed by then.’
‘I can’t get out of it,’ I say, ‘but I need to see you.’
‘I’ll keep a plate of something warm.’
Audrey’s small blue case is in the lounge when I get home. It’s the one she’s had for as long as I can remember. Her efficient packing means that she could easily be staying one night or one month.
She comes in from the kitchen and hugs me. I catch the scent of Rive Gauche. It doesn’t matter how much she irritates me, the waft of perfume and the hug always gives me a moment of inner calm. A memory from childhood, when a mother’s love and home-baked biscuits could shoo away the world’s ills.
‘I’ll take your bag up to the bedroom,’ I say.
‘I really can take the sofa, you know,’ she says.
‘Don’t be silly.’
I put the bag down next to the bed and check Garrick’s phone. Nothing new.
When I come down, Audrey’s poking around in the lounge then follows me into the kitchen.
‘This flat’s much nicer than I thought it would be. I remember that awful place you rented in Archway before,’ she says, looking out of the window. ‘This has a fantastic view. It’s not very big, but you don’t need much space and I suppose it’s only temporary.’
‘Tea?’ I say. ‘How was the exhibition?’
‘Oh, very good, very interesting,’ she says distractedly.
I knew she’d hate it. The trip isn’t about broadening her tastes in art. She’s down here to see me. The first visit since my separation.
‘We’ve got pasta for dinner. Is that OK?’
‘Lovely,’ she says. ‘I suppose this is what they call a bachelor pad – spinster pad doesn’t have the same ring, does it?’
‘No.’
‘Though technically, you’re not a spinster.’
‘Divorcee pad doesn’t sound any better.’
‘You’re not divorced. There’s still time to make it up. Sam might be close to adulthood, but he still needs his mother. This flat’s nice but wouldn’t you rather be home?’
‘It’s not an option.’
The kettle boils. I pour a little into the mug for Audrey’s tea and the rest into a pan for the linguine.
‘Have you spoken to Sam yet?’ she asks.
I see his face twisted in disgust. You’re a whore. I hate you.
‘I think he needs more time, Mum.’
‘Patching things up with your husband would be a good start.’
‘I’ve told you, that’s not going to happen.’
I filch the tea bag from Audrey’s mug, put the milk in and hand it to her. Her nose wrinkles a fraction.
‘I don’t have a teapot, Mum,’ I say.
She says nothing, takes the tea, rests it on her lap and tips her head to one side. I know what’s coming.
‘I still don’t know what you were thinking, Julia?’
‘Don’t start,’ I say.
I plunge the linguine into the water and start slicing some tomatoes.
‘If you said you’re sorry – that it was a mistake …’
‘I’m not sorry. It wasn’t worth it because it’s made Sam hate me. I told you, my marriage was over years ago.’
‘And what about him – this Hugh person – did you think about him and his wife? How do you think she felt?’
In truth it wasn’t until Hugh’s wife confronted me in the lobby at work – What sort of woman was I? Did I really think I could break up their marriage, fifteen years and three children? – that I remember crying similar tears years ago over Christian, when he betrayed me. Her face showed anger, but also fear that her husband would leave. I’d forgotten that some women love their husbands. That not all marriages are a slow tussle of one person imposing their will on another, seeing how much the other can bear. This woman loved Hugh. Only then did I feel ashamed.
‘You could start over, afresh. I’m sure he’d take you back. Say that you were feeling neglected, you wanted to make sure you’re still desirable,’ Audrey says. ‘All women feel like that at your age. We just
