glasses.
Her glasses. She’d taken them off because it had been too hard to see the writing on the envelopes. Spinning about, she hurried back toward the hallway.
She told herself it was to get the glasses, that she had to have them, but the moment she stepped into the office door, she knew the real reason. Grace was still crying and Jack stood next to the couch. The bottle in one hand, a can of milk in the other.
“I don’t even know where to start,” he said, looking at her hopelessly.
Helen hurried forward. “You start by picking her up.” She did just that, and snuggled Grace close to comfort her. “Once she’s calmed down, you can see to what she needs, whether it’s a diaper change or a bottle.”
“How do you know the difference?” he asked.
She shrugged. “If her diaper is dry, you fix a bottle. If it’s wet, you change her.”
He shook his head. “I can’t do this. I can’t.” Holding up the can of milk, he added, “I don’t even have a can opener.”
“There is one in the bag,” Helen said, carefully laying Grace down on the couch. The baby was no longer crying but a diaper change was definitely in order. The bag and most of its former contents were spread out on the floor near her feet. After picking up a clean diaper, Helen asked, “Where is the powder room?”
“Next door down the hall, on the right.” He met her gaze. “Thank you for coming back. Thank you very much.”
Earlier, while sitting on the floor next to him, she’d caught herself staring at him. More than once. Couldn’t seem to help it. He was extremely handsome, with his blond hair that flopped over his forehead and his dark eyes.
He had the kind of handsomeness that made people stop in their tracks and take a second look. She’d heard about that more than seen it. In fact, she may never have seen it, and truly only heard about it from Vera. That’s how she’d described Joe McCarney. Stop-in-your-tracks handsome.
She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts, and bent down to pick up Grace. “We’ll be right back.”
“I’ll be here.”
She found the powder room and as she saw to changing Grace, she couldn’t help but wonder who would see that the diaper was properly washed, or that the bottles and nipples were cleaned after each use, or all of the other things that needed to be done to see to the care of a baby. She hadn’t known any of those things in the beginning, but did now, and had cherished doing all of them.
It had been a long time since she’d had someone to love. Grace had filled that hole since the moment she’d been born. She’d told herself from the beginning that Grace wasn’t hers to love, that her only duty to the baby was to find her father.
She hadn’t done that.
She hadn’t fulfilled her promise to Vera. The promises she’d made to Grace.
Despite her fears, she couldn’t leave. She’d tried twice, and couldn’t do it. Giving Grace a hug, she whispered, “Don’t worry, sweetheart, no matter what, I won’t let anyone hurt you. I promise.”
She left the powder room with more resolve than she’d had in a long time. Jack was still in the office, had returned all of Grace’s items to the bag and had it sitting on his desk.
“Thank you,” he said again as soon as she entered.
The relief on his face was so evident she had to bite her lips to keep from smiling. There was no denying that the idea of staying with Grace a bit longer filled her with joy.
“I had no idea what to do,” he said. “She started crying as soon as you stepped out the door.”
“I heard. Your shouting probably scared her.”
He shrugged and shook his head. “I don’t know what to say. I’ve never been around a baby before.”
“I hadn’t, either,” she admitted. That had been frightening at first, but had quickly turned into joy. More joy than she’d known in a very long time.
“I’ll pay whatever you want, for you to take care of her until I can find Joe.”
Helen held her breath for a moment. Could she do it? Stay with Grace? “I came back for my glasses,” she said, needing a bit more time. She was nearly out of money, so wouldn’t get far, if she did leave.
“About those.” He glanced down at his desk. “I stepped on them by accident.”
She looked down, saw the crushed frames and broken glass.
“Why do you wear them? You don’t need them.”
“Yes, I do.” Not to see with, but to hide behind.
“I’ll buy you a new pair.”
It was almost as if the smashed glasses were a symbol, one that told her she couldn’t hide for the rest of her life. She already knew that, just hadn’t known how to get out. How to get far enough away that she wouldn’t have to hide. That had been her goal, why she’d saved every penny she could. Yet, until Grace, she hadn’t had the courage to leave.
That’s why she’d stayed put, in the little apartment above the grocery store, stocking shelves, scrubbing floors, reading newspapers every night, and wishing she could go outside, enjoy the sunshine, the rain, even the snow and wind, every day.
“Tomorrow. I’ll buy you a new pair, tomorrow.”
Helen pulled her eyes off the glasses. A new pair wouldn’t make a difference. Tomorrow would be no different from today. She took a moment to think back over the past few days. Traveling on the train she’d experienced a small amount of the freedom she’d sought the past two years. Before then in another sense. Guilt arose when she thought about that. How she’d wanted out when she should have been thankful her family had been alive and well.
She hadn’t been thankful about that, not enough, and today, she’d been so worried about herself, about getting away again, that she’d left Grace with someone who didn’t have the ability to care for her. Jack could learn. She had, but that wasn’t the issue. The true issue was whether she was really willing to let her past, her fears, have so much control over her that she was willing to let Grace suffer while Jack learned to take care of her. Is that who she was? Who she’d become?
If so, why hadn’t she left as soon as she’d handed Grace over? Ran back to the train station and used the last of her funds to buy a ticket that would have taken her as far away as possible?
“Do you need to return to Chicago immediately?”
“No.” Helen closed her eyes at how quickly she responded. Heaviness filled her as she opened her eyes and looked at Jack. She had no idea what to say, what to do. It was as if she was caught in a trap even stronger than the one she’d lived in the past few years.
If
