Lear. No more of that; I have noted it well.—Go you and tell my daughter I would speak with her.—
[Exit Attendant.]
Go you, call hither my fool.
[Exit another Attendant.]
[Re-enter Oswald.]
O, you, sir, you, come you hither, sir: who am I, sir?
Osw.
My lady’s father.
Lear. My lady’s father! my lord’s knave: you whoreson dog! you slave! you cur!
Osw.
I am none of these, my lord; I beseech your pardon.
Lear.
Do you bandy looks with me, you rascal?
[Striking him.]
Osw.
I’ll not be struck, my lord.
Kent.
Nor tripp’d neither, you base football player.
[Tripping up his heels.]
Lear.
I thank thee, fellow; thou servest me, and I’ll love thee.
Kent.
Come, sir, arise, away! I’ll teach you differences: away, away!
If you will measure your lubber’s length again, tarry; but away!
go to; have you wisdom? so.
[Pushes Oswald out.]
Lear.
Now, my friendly knave, I thank thee: there’s earnest of thy
service.
[Giving Kent money.]
[Enter Fool.]
Fool. Let me hire him too; here’s my coxcomb.
[Giving Kent his cap.]
Lear.
How now, my pretty knave! how dost thou?
Fool.
Sirrah, you were best take my coxcomb.
Kent.
Why, fool?
Fool. Why, for taking one’s part that’s out of favour. Nay, an thou canst not smile as the wind sits, thou’lt catch cold shortly: there, take my coxcomb: why, this fellow hath banish’d two on’s daughters, and did the third a blessing against his will; if thou follow him, thou must needs wear my coxcomb.—How now, nuncle! Would I had two coxcombs and two daughters!
Lear.
Why, my boy?
Fool.
If I gave them all my living, I’d keep my coxcombs myself.
There’s mine; beg another of thy daughters.
Lear.
Take heed, sirrah,—the whip.
Fool. Truth’s a dog must to kennel; he must be whipped out, when the lady brach may stand by the fire and stink.
Lear.
A pestilent gall to me!
Fool.
Sirrah, I’ll teach thee a speech.
Lear.
Do.
Fool.
Mark it, nuncle:—
Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest,
Learn more than thou trowest,
Set less than thou throwest;
Leave thy drink and thy whore,
And keep in-a-door,
And thou shalt have more
Than two tens to a score.
Kent.
This is nothing, fool.
Fool. Then ‘tis like the breath of an unfee’d lawyer,—you gave me nothing for’t.—Can you make no use of nothing, nuncle?
Lear.
Why, no, boy; nothing can be made out of nothing.
Fool. [to Kent] Pr’ythee tell him, so much the rent of his land comes to: he will not believe a fool.
Lear.
A bitter fool!
Fool. Dost thou know the difference, my boy, between a bitter fool and a sweet one?
Lear.
No, lad; teach me.
Fool.
That lord that counsell’d thee
To give away thy land,
Come place him here by me,—
Do thou for him stand:
The sweet and bitter fool
Will presently appear;
The one in motley here,
The other found out there.
Lear.
Dost thou call me fool, boy?
Fool. All thy other titles thou hast given away; that thou wast born with.
Kent.
This is not altogether fool, my lord.
Fool. No, faith; lords and great men will not let me: if I had a monopoly out, they would have part on’t and loads too: they will not let me have all the fool to myself; they’ll be snatching.—Nuncle, give me an egg, and I’ll give thee two crowns.
Lear.
What two crowns shall they be?
Fool. Why, after I have cut the egg i’ the middle and eat up the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou clovest thy crown i’ the middle and gav’st away both parts, thou borest thine ass on thy back o’er the
