how could I do that, unless so be I was there myself?” asked Mrs. Guffern. “I didn’t zet eyes on none of them this blessed morning, but I zee’d them as did. You know our John; well, he will be for keeping company with Betsey Rusk, madam’s own maid, you know. And Betsey isn’t none of your common kitchen wenches. So Betsey, she come out to our John, you know, and she’s always vastly polite to me, is Betsey Rusk, I must say. So before she took so much as one turn with John she told me every ha’porth that was going on up in the house.”
“Did she now?” said Mrs. Greenacre.
“Indeed she did,” said Mrs. Guffern.
“And she told you them people was up there in the drawing-room?”
“She told me she zee’d ‘em come in—that they was dressed finer by half nor any of the family, with all their neckses and buzoms stark naked as a born babby.”
“The minxes!” exclaimed Mrs. Greenacre, who felt herself more put about by this than any other mark of aristocratic distinction which her enemies had assumed.
“Yes, indeed,” continued Mrs. Guffern, “as naked as you please, while all the quality was dressed just as you and I be, Mrs. Greenacre.”
“Drat their impudence,” said Mrs. Greenacre, from whose well-covered bosom all milk of human kindness was receding, as far as the family of the Lookalofts were concerned.
“So says I,” said Mrs. Guffern; “and so says my goodman, Thomas Guffern, when he hear’d it. ‘Molly,’ says he to me, ‘if ever you takes to going about o’ mornings with yourself all naked in them ways, I begs you won’t come back no more to the old house.’ So says I, ‘Thomas, no more I wull.’ ‘But,’ says he, ‘drat it, how the deuce does she manage with her rheumatiz, and she not a rag on her;’“ and Mrs. Guffern laughed loudly as she thought of Mrs. Lookaloft’s probable sufferings from rheumatic attacks.
“But to liken herself that way to folk that ha’ blood in their veins,” said Mrs. Greenacre.
“Well, but that warn’t all neither that Betsey told. There they all swelled into madam’s drawing-room, like so many turkey cocks, as much as to say, ‘and who dare say no to us?’ and Gregory was thinking of telling of ‘em to come down here, only his heart failed him ‘cause of the grand way they was dressed. So in they went, but madam looked at them as glum as death.”
“Well, now,” said Mrs. Greenacre, greatly relieved, “so they wasn’t axed different from us at all then?”
“Betsey says that Gregory says that madam wasn’t a bit too well pleased to see them where they was, and that to his believing they was expected to come here just like the rest of us.”
There was great consolation in this. Not that Mrs. Greenacre was altogether satisfied. She felt that justice to herself demanded that Mrs. Lookaloft should not only not be encouraged, but that she should also be absolutely punished. What had been done at that scriptural banquet, of which Mrs. Greenacre so often read the account to her family? Why had not Miss Thorne boldly gone to the intruder and said, “Friend, thou hast come up hither to high places not fitted to thee. Go down lower, and thou wilt find thy mates.” Let the Lookalofts be treated at the present moment with ever so cold a shoulder, they would still be enabled to boast hereafter of their position, their aspirations, and their honour.
“Well, with all her grandeur, I do wonder that she be so mean,” continued Mrs. Greenacre, unable to dismiss the subject. “Did you hear, goodman?” she went on, about to repeat the whole story to her husband who then came up. “There’s Dame Lookaloft and Bab and Gussy and the lot of ‘em all sitting as grand as fivepence in madam’s drawing-room, and they not axed no more nor you nor me. Did you ever hear tell the like o’ that?”
“Well, and what for shouldn’t they?” said Farmer Greenacre.
“Likening theyselves to the quality, as though they was estated folk, or the like o’ that!” said Mrs. Guffern.
“Well, if they likes it, and madam likes it, they’s welcome for me,” said the farmer. “Now I likes this place better, ‘cause I be more at home-like, and don’t have to pay for them fine clothes for the missus. Everyone to his taste, Mrs. Guffern, and if neighbour Lookaloft thinks that he has the best of it, he’s welcome.”
Mrs. Greenacre sat down by her husband’s side to begin the heavy work of the banquet, and she did so in some measure with restored tranquillity, but nevertheless she shook her head at her gossip to show that in this instance she did not quite approve of her husband’s doctrine.
“And I’ll tell ‘ee what, dames,” continued he; “if so be that we cannot enjoy the dinner that madam gives us because Mother Lookaloft is sitting up there on a grand sofa, I think we ought all to go home. If we greet at that, what’ll we do when true sorrow comes across us? How would you be now, Dame, if the boy there had broke his neck when he got the tumble?”
Mrs. Greenacre was humbled and said nothing further on the matter. But let prudent men such as Mr. Greenacre preach as they will, the family of the Lookalofts certainly does occasion a good deal of heartburning in the world at large.
It was pleasant to see Mr. Plomacy as, leaning on his stout stick, he went about among the rural guests, acting as a sort of head constable as well as master of the revels. “Now, young’un, if you can’t manage to get along without that screeching, you’d better go to the other side of the twelve-acre field and take your dinner with you. Come, girls, what do you stand there for, twirling of your thumbs? Come out, and let the lads see you; you’ve no need to be so ashamed of your faces. Hollo there, who are you? How did you make your way in here?”
This last disagreeable question was put to a young man of about twenty-four who did not, in Mr. Plomacy’s eye, bear sufficient vestiges of a rural education and residence.
“If you please, your Worship, Master Barrell the coachman let me in at the church wicket, ‘cause I do be working mostly al’ays for the family.”
“Then Master Barrell the coachman may let you out again,” said Mr. Plomacy, not even conciliated by the magisterial dignity which had been conceded to him. “What’s your name? And what trade are you? And who do you work for?”
“I’m Stubbs, your worship, Bob Stubbs; and—and—and—”
“And what’s your trade, Stubbs?”
“Plasterer, please your worship.”
“I’ll plaster you, and Barrell too; you’ll just walk out of this ‘ere field as quick as you walked in. We don’t want no plasterers; when we do, we’ll send for ‘em. Come my buck, walk.”
Stubbs the plasterer was much downcast at this dreadful edict. He was a sprightly fellow, and had contrived since his ingress into the Ullathorne elysium to attract to himself a forest nymph, to whom he was whispering a plasterer’s usual soft nothings, when he was encountered by the great Mr. Plomacy. It was dreadful to be thus dissevered from his dryad and sent howling back to a Barchester pandemonium just as the nectar and ambrosia were about to descend on the fields of asphodel. He began to try what prayers would do, but city prayers were vain against the great rural potentate. Not only did Mr. Plomacy order his exit but, raising his stick to show the way which led to the gate that had been left in the custody of that false Cerberus Barrell, proceeded himself to see the edict of banishment
