out of the room, you hussy,' said my mother; 'go out of the room, and don't let me hear a word from you more.
I left the room terrified at the storm I had raised up against me. I knew not that I had done wrong, and went up crying to my attic
alone, and found the old servant, who asked what was the matter. I told her all I had said, and what had been the result, and how I had been abused.
'Why, you should let things take their own course, my dear.'
'Yes, but I can learn nothing.'
'Never mind; you will have plenty of money when you grow older, and that will cure many defects; people who have money never want for friends.'
'But I have them not, and yet I have money.'
'Most certainly - most certainly, but you have it not in your power, and you are not old enough to make use of it, if you had it.'
'Who has it?' I enquired.
'Your father and mother.'
No more was said at that time, and the old woman left me to myself, and I recollect I long and deeply pondered over this matter, and yet I could see no way out of it, and resolved that I would take things as easily as I could; but I feared that I was not likely to have a very quiet life; indeed, active cruelty was exercised against me.
They would lock me up in a room a whole day at a time, so that I was debarred the use of my limbs. I was even kept without food, and on every occasion I was knocked about, from one to the other, without remorse - everyone took a delight in tormenting me, and in showing me how much they dared to do.
Of course servants and all would not treat me with neglect and harshness if they did not see it was agreeable to my parents.
This was shocking cruelty; but yet I found that this was not all. Many were the little contrivances made and invented to cause me to fall down stairs - to slip - to trip, to do anything that might have ended in some fatal accident, which would have left them at liberty to enjoy my legacy, and no blame would be attached to them for the accident, and I should most likely get blamed for what was done, and from which I had been the sufferer - indeed, I should have been deemed to have suffered justly.
On one occasion, after I had been in bed some time, I found it was very damp, and upon examination I found the bed itself had been made quite wet, with the sheet put over it to hide it.
This I did not discover until it was too late, for I caught a violent cold, and it took me some weeks to get over it, and yet I escaped eventually, though after some months' illness. I recovered, and it evidently made them angry because I did live.
They must have believed me to be very obstinate; they thought me obdurate in the extreme - they called me all the names they could imagine, and treated me with every indignity they could heap upon me.
Well, time ran on, and in my twelfth year I obtained the notice of one or two of our friends, who made some enquiries about me.
I always remarked that my parents disliked anyone to speak to, or take any notice of me. They did not permit me to say much - they did not like my speaking; and on one occasion, when I made some remark respecting school, she replied, 'Her health is so bad that I have not yet sent her, but shall do so by and by, when she grows stronger.
There was a look bent upon me that told me at once what I must expect if I persisted in my half-formed resolve of contradicting all that had been said.
When the visitor went I was well aware of what kind of a life I should have had, if I did not absolutely receive some serious injury. I was terrified, and held my tongue.
Soon after that I was seized with violent pains and vomiting. I was very ill, and the servant being at home only, a doctor was sent for, who at once said I had been poisoned, and ordered me to be taken care of.
I know how it was done; I had taken some cake given me - it was left out for me; and that was the only thing I had eaten, and it astonished me, for I had not had such a thing given me for years, and that is why I believe the poison was put in the cake, and I think others thought so too.
However I got over that after a time, though I was a long while before I did so; but at the same time I was very weak, and the surgeon said that had I been a little longer without assistance, or had I not thrown it up, I must have sunk beneath the effects of a violent poison.
He advised my parents to take some measures to ascertain who it was that had administered the poison to me; but though they promised compliance, they never troubled themselves about it - but I was for a long time very cautious of what I took, and was in great fear of the food that was given to me.
However, nothing more of that character took place, and at length I quite recovered, and began to think in my own mind that I ought to take some active steps in the matter, and that I ought to seek an asylum elsewhere.
I was now nearly fifteen years of age, and could well see how inveterate was the dislike with which I was regarded by my family: I thought that they ought to use me better, for I could remember no
cause for it. I had given no deadly offence, nor was there any motive why I should be treated thus with neglect and disdain.
It was, then, a matter of serious consideration with me as to whether I should not go and throw myself upon the protection of some friend, and beg their interference in my behalf; but then there was no one whom I felt would do so much for me - no one from whom I expected so great an act of friendship.
It was hardly to be expected from anyone that they should interfere between me and my parents; they would have had their first say, and I should have contradicted all said, and should have appeared in a very bad light indeed.
I could not say they had neglected my education - I could not say that, because there I had been careful myself, and I had assiduously striven when alone to remedy this defect, and had actually succeeded; so that, if I were examined, I should have denied my own assertions by contrary facts, which would injure me. Then again, if I were neglected, I could not prove any injury, because I had all the means of existence; and all I could say would be either attributed to some evil source, or it was entirely false - but at the same time I felt I had great cause of complaint, and none of gratitude.
I could hold no communion with anyone - all alike deserted me, and I knew none who could say aught for me if I requested their goodwill.
I had serious thoughts of possessing myself of some money, and then leaving home, and staying away until I had arrived at age; but this I deferred doing, seeing that there was no means, and I could not do more than I did then - that is, to live on without any mischief happening, and wait for a few years more.
I contracted an acquaintance with a young man who came to visit my father - he came several times, and paid me more civility and attention than anyone else ever did, and I felt that he was the only friend I possessed.
It is no wonder I looked upon him as being my best and my only friend. I thought him the best and the handsomest man I ever beheld.
This put other thoughts into my head. I did not dress as others did, much less had I the opportunity of becoming possessed of many of those little trinkets that most young women of my age had.
But this made no alteration in the good opinion of the young gentleman, who took no notice of that, but made me several pretty presents.
