SLENDERMarry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket.
BARDOLPH
You Banbury cheese!
SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.
PISTOL
How now, Mephostophilus!
SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.
NYM
Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That's my humour.
SLENDER
Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
EVANS
Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand: that is—Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
PAGE
We three to hear it and end it between them.
EVANS
Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can.
FALSTAFF
Pistol!
PISTOL
He hears with ears.
EVANS
The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, "He hears with ear"? Why, it is affectations.
FALSTAFF
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
SLENDER
Ay, by these gloves, did he—or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else!—of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
FALSTAFF
Is this true, Pistol?
EVANS
No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
PISTOL
Ha, thou mountain-foreigner!—Sir John and master mine,
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
Word of denial in thy labras here!
Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.
SLENDER
By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
NYM
Be avised, sir, and pass good humours; I will say "marry trap" with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on me; that is the very note of it.
SLENDER
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
FALSTAFF
What say you, Scarlet and John?
BARDOLPH
Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
EVANS
It is his "five senses"; fie, what the ignorance is!
BARDOLPH
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier'd; and so conclusions passed the careires.
SLENDER
Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter; I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick; if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
EVANS
So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
FALSTAFF
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
[Enter ANNE PAGE with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following.]
PAGE
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.
[Exit ANNE PAGE.]
SLENDER
O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
PAGE
How now, Mistress Ford!
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met; by your leave, good mistress. [Kissing her] PAGE Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Exeunt all but SHALLOW, SLENDER, and EVANS.]
SLENDER
I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here.
[Enter SIMPLE.]
How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you?
SIMPLE
Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas?
SHALLOW
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here: do you understand me?
SLENDER
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.
SHALLOW
Nay, but understand me.
SLENDER
So I do, sir.
EVANS
