able to find some good things in his life and in himself. Most importantly, he had stopped blaming all his miseries in life on his masturbation and genitals and was now trying to improve himself on several fronts: going to the gym, tentatively dating, and going back to school so he could get a better job.
Anxiety about sex can radically influence a person’s life. Exactly how it will play out varies according to individual psychology and circumstances. I’ve seen a thousand permutations in my practice. I’ve worked with troubled people who became compulsively promiscuous or led secret double lives — one in which they act and appear completely ordinary, and another where they engage in risky sexual adventures with strangers. I’ve seen the other extreme, where someone vows to be abstinent because sex feels too complicated and not satisfying enough to make it worth the anguish.
As I occasionally tell clients, “Anxiety is the opposite of sexy.” Emotional conflicts thwart a range of sexual responses, from blocking our ability to get aroused to impacting our performance with partners. I believe this concept reaches right into our biology. I think of negative emotions — guilt, fear, shame, disgust, internal conflict — as a massive organic filter through which sexual responses must pass. The more intense those feelings, the more difficult it is for the body and brain to function in harmony. The “happy” brain chemistry of sex is fighting the chemicals released by stress. Muscles which should be relaxing are tensing. Whereas people who are relaxed are assisting their brain in doing its sexual business, people who can’t relax are ultimately most likely to be left feeling unsatisfied. It may even cause some of them to crave more and more intensity or experiences just to achieve a simulacrum of the pleasure that balanced people derive from sex. It has been the rule, not the exception, in my clinical practice that the people who make the most disturbingly risky, unhealthy behavioral choices are invariably the ones who are at psychological war in their minds over their sexual identity. They are also the ones who seem to have the most issues and complexes about masturbation, and similarly seem to get the least pleasure out of the act.
In emotionally balanced, socially-adjusted and reasonably physically healthy people, there really is no upper limit on the number of times a day one may safely masturbate. The time to stop is when it stops feeling good; if your genitals start to feel raw, if it’s exhausting you, it’s common sense to give yourself some time to recover before doing it again. Most typically, high frequency of masturbation simply means a strong sex drive and a robust appetite. On the other hand, if masturbation interferes with or diminishes the quality of your daily life — your ability to socialize, your ability to have intimacy, your ability to focus on work — then it stops being a harmless pleasure and becomes a potentially self-destructive behavior pattern. But the biggest health risk factor related to masturbation seems to be when you do NOT masturbate. Given all the proven benefits of orgasm, failure to masturbate during times when you don’t have a partner may reduce your lifespan, speed up your aging process, and contribute to a range of health problems, including heart conditions and immunological disorders.
Finally, as with all sexual behaviors, if you notice a significant change in your pattern of masturbation (if you suddenly start doing it much more than before, or find your interest dwindling to nothing), it is a red flag that something more serious may be going on inside. Ebbs and flows in desire are natural to the cycles of life, but rapid and unexplained (i.e., you aren’t pregnant, you aren’t in menopause, etc.) changes in sexual behavior are symptomatic of depression, hormonal imbalances, diabetes, and other conditions.
Is Masturbation Really Good For You?
Since masturbation and orgasm instantly stimulate positive change throughout the human organism, masturbating to climax is quite simply the best total wellness exercise one can perform. None of the daily grooming and health rituals we all are taught to do (brushing our teeth, combing our hair, showering) serve the vital purposes of the old-fashioned orgasm. I’ll discuss the numerous organic benefits in detail in the section on orgasm but suffice to say, as I so often do, an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
As noted earlier, masturbation is our biology’s way of preparing us for adult sexuality. It is also our testing ground for skills that will ultimately build to a satisfying sex life in adulthood.
We learn five critical sexual behavioral skills through masturbation:
1. How to produce a state of arousal
2. How to pace sexual pleasure
3. How to enhance sexual pleasure
4. How to delay orgasm
5. How to have an orgasm
Additionally, masturbation teaches us to be comfortable handling our genitals, a key ingredient in a complete sex life. Masturbation is useful in childhood as way of relearning our natural relationship with our bodies after potty training, a time when most parents impress on their children that, by association with urination and elimination, the genital and anal regions are offensive.
Since all of us are potty trained, it’s inevitable that many, if not most of us, grow up to believe the whole area is dirty; and since we are all subject to the advice and attitudes of authority figures who tell us that masturbation is bad and that genitals are shameful, forbidden zones, in response to these messages, masturbation often changes from an unselfconscious act to something a child is at least vaguely aware is bad or wrong. Depending on how intensely bad they believe it to be, they may delay or avoid masturbation into adulthood. In some rare cases, early childhood trauma (whether from potty training gone terribly wrong or from child abuse), can permanently damage sex drive and suppress all desire to masturbate.
People who are comfortable with their own genitals tend to be similarly relaxed with their partners’ genitals. Knowing that certain spots in and around your genitals are more sensitive than others; knowing what kind of a sensation you crave on your penis or clitoris; knowing which other parts of your body are sensitive to touch all promote an adult’s ability to receive and to give satisfying sex. In my practice, I’ve observed that adults who cannot bear to touch their own genitals, or who believe genitals are dirty, make a lot of excuses to rationalize what are irrational feelings. They set strict boundaries on what “should” or “should not” feel right and have a lot of rules about sex that they make their partners obey — whether it’s how often they believe one “should” have intimacy or the types of sexual intimacy one “should” indulge in.
Linda R., a slim, serious women in her early 40s, came to me out of sheer desperation. After thirteen years of marriage, her husband was threatening to leave because he couldn’t stand their sex life anymore. She had seen a range of doctors who had examined her and given her pills and patches and creams but nothing had worked. She didn’t think I could help her but she was at her wits end.
It took a while to win her trust but finally, through tears, she told me that she had been molested and digitally penetrated by her grandfather when she was five. When she first told her mother about it, she was called a liar and punished. A few months later, he was caught in another child’s room. Then all hell broke loose. Linda was dragged in and out of courts to testify against him. To this day, some of her relatives still accuse her of destroying the family.
Конец ознакомительного фрагмента.
Текст предоставлен ООО «ЛитРес».
Прочитайте эту книгу целиком, купив полную легальную версию на ЛитРес.
Безопасно
