my husband suggested that I should make one; he thought it would be very therapeutic for me. I agreed to try it. A friend had given me a book on making upside down dolls a few years previously and I had made one for my granddaughter. I was off to the fabric shop the next day, picked up all the material for the doll and came home and started on her. It took me about four days to create her. I had to embroider her face (or faces) on and try to remember what they both looked like. I found myself going through a lot of emotions, feeling angry that she had been left behind and lonely for my mother and, at the same time, excited to be creating my lost doll. When she was finished she was so beautiful and I felt so satisfied. I held the doll and hugged her for a very long time. Memories flashed in my mind of the day the beautiful lady came to visit me and brought me the doll. It was her last visit to me and the last time I was to see her as she died at age twenty four.
Moving to the Big Girls’ Ward
Right up until age six, things continued the same in the baby ward. I lost my fear of the people who sat out at night. They still did, but I learned just not to look or listen to them. Finally, on November 14, 1939, I reached the age of six and was told I would be moved to the big girls’ ward. This was a real exciting day for me. I made sure my upside down doll Marianne came with me. They packed all the other dolls and toys I had and wheeled me out on a stretcher to my new bed in the ward. The bed was made of white iron like the crib, but it did not have any sides on it. However, I was still tied in with the apron strap. The bed had a canvas bag tied to the footboard which had lots of pockets, and I could keep some of my special things like coloring books and crayons in it. I even found a pocket in it big enough for my upside down doll. The room looked so enormous to me; it had a very high ceiling and two rows of windows across one side of the room, one atop the other, with an expanse of wall in between. It was pretty nice as you could see the sky, the sun, and the moon and stars at night. You could also watch the birds in the trees and see airplanes as they flew by. The room was so big and spacious compared to the little baby ward. There were seventeen other beds in the ward; nine on each side with a square oak table in between each bed, where we could put some of our things. This was a very exciting move for me; there were more friends to talk and play with and because I had few or no visitors, the other children’s visitors would come and talk with me. My friend Angie was right next to me and my new friend Phyllis was a couple of beds down.
The next thing that happened was I was taken out of the cast and put into a walking cast that ran from my shoulders to just above my thighs. This was wonderful as I could now walk around and visit the other children. I could go outside on the porch and play games like red light, giant steps, and all the other childhood games anyone could think up. My very favorite thing to do on the porch was to run up and down when it just became dark and have the moon chase me back and forth. I would run until I was exhausted and it would be time to go inside for supper. I didn’t have to eat in bed once I was up and walking around; I would eat at a table with the other children who were up and around. Somehow the food just tasted better when you didn’t have to lie in bed and eat. One of my favorite dinners was one we would have on Sunday. It was mashed potatoes, steak, and peas and would always have watermelon rind pickles with it. We would have my favorite desert (ice cream), and then after dinner the nurse in charge would pass out a piece or two of candy. We were able to stay up until seven thirty at night and then we could go into the bathroom and wash our face and brush our teeth and get ready for bed. Sometimes the attendant on duty would tell us a story if she wasn’t too busy. It wasn’t as dark in the big girls’ ward as the light from the nurse’s office and the kitchen shined in the big room. When the weather was good we would be taken for walks in the morning for about an hour and then again in the afternoon. These were so special. I loved the spring time as we were able to pick violets and lily of the valley. One of my favorite things to do was to go into the space of the big magnolia tree and just sit on the lower branch and watch the other children play. It was cozy and smelled nice there. I would get tired on the walks so this would be a nice place for me to rest. I didn’t want to let the attendant know I was tired because I was afraid they wouldn’t let me go on any more walks. We had to walk two by two, always holding the hand of one of the other kids. I would take turns; one day I would walk with Angie and the next with Phyllis. One day as we walked I saw some flocks and asked if I could pick some (as long as they were wild flowers we were allowed to pick them). I was told yes. As I picked the flowers I kept feeling a stinging on my hand, and I would just rub it and then both hands began to sting. When I looked I saw bees on my hands. I had got into a bees’ nest. I started screaming, and they hurried me back to the ward and gave me some medicine. I swelled up and itched so bad inside the cast that they started pouring calamine lotion down the cast until they could get the doctor to come and cut it off. I slept the rest of the day because the medicine they gave me for the itching made me very sleepy. I was fine the next day, but I never picked flocks again.
In the summertime if we were up and walking around we could go to the weenie roasts they had once a month and cook our own hot dogs. They were so delicious. We even toasted marshmallows. They allowed the boys from the boys’ ward to come also. It was a new freedom for me and I loved every minute of it. Now, when we went out on the porch for our morning time and our rest time in the afternoon, my bed would be out from under the roof. I was able to see everything as I was out in the open.
After the visit from the lady who brought me the upside down doll, I looked forward to the time between one and three in the afternoon when they would move our beds out on the porch and we had what was called rest hour. We had to cover our eyes with a cloth to keep the light out and hopefully we would sleep. I always would set the cloth so I could peak out around it and see what was going on. I liked watching the smoke billowing out of the large chimney stack that was off in the distance. I asked one day what it was for and they told me it was the generator that kept all the power going at the hospital. I found the smoke to be very comforting. Sometimes it would be white and fluffy like the clouds and other times it would be gray and dark. The days it was white and fluffy I would dream I was floating away, far away from the hospital, never having to come back.
To my surprise one day as I watched the white smoke billowing out of the chimney stack, I saw a form of a beautiful woman in a long white dress with black hair and a smile like an angel. She waved to me and gave me a big smile. I felt a peace come over me that was almost unexplainable. She told me loud and clear that she would always be with me, and I could see her anytime I looked into the smoke. I realized that the face I was looking at was the same face on the lady who came to visit me and brought me my special upside down doll. I wanted to talk to her and thank her for this doll that I loved so much, but as soon as I tried to reach her she would again disappear. I would beg, “Please come back here. I want to touch you. I want to talk to you.” She would float and smile until she got to the top of the cloud of smoke that appeared to go right into the blue sky. I knew she was going into heaven. I loved going out onto the porch and would try at other times to see her in the cloud of smoke. It was only at the time between two and three in the afternoon that she would make her appearance. Some days I would feel so lonely and cry when she would go into the sky with the smoke. I wanted so much to tell her all the things I was doing and to smell her perfume again and feel her kiss on my cheek. I can’t remember how long I saw her in that cloud of smoke. Time was not a big factor when you’re six years old and laying in bed unable to run and play. I only knew that she was very special and I loved her.
I was to find out many years later that the time I started to see her was after she had died, not too long after she brought me the doll. She was my mother, this Angel that I was seeing in the smoke. I still stop and pause and look at a chimney stack when I go by one. When the smoke is billowing out of the stack I look to see if maybe, just maybe I might get a glimpse of this angel who I know in my heart was my mother. Hopefully I will see her again in her flowing dress just floating around in the billowing smoke. The ache of wanting to touch, see, and smell the perfume and feel the kiss has never gone away. I still feel that empty lonely feeling in my heart on a warm summer day when the clouds are fluffy and I see a chimney stack towering in the sky. It takes me back to the days of trying to catch this beautiful person that I felt so connected
