up our personality, the patterns we have gathered from infancy from whoever and whatever have been influencing factors in our lives. The compilation of gathered characteristics resembles a tree in form. Like large branches that sprout off to small branches that, in turn, sprout off leaves, each trait builds and depends on another. And so, we may often find in the process of self-observation that we start seeing the connections between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—especially those that operate by strong negative patterns and make life unproductive.
When we operate solely from the direction of our personalities, without understanding of our individualities, trouble lies ahead. When personality rules, we are captured by automatic patterns and are unable to break free of negative or less desirable traits. Even though letting the personality govern our actions might feel familiar or comfortable, we are blocking ourselves from what our deepest and best self has the potential to achieve.
Individuality, though usually less familiar to us, is the more genuine form of ourselves, and it is not a product of outside influences. It is the identity of our spirit, and a healthy spiritual life requires guidance from that individuality.
All of this is not so say, however, that the personality is always “bad” and the individuality is the only source of “good.” Rather, the individuality is a more authentic expression of who we really are ourselves, as opposed to worn-out or diminished expressions of what others expect us to value, believe in, or do.
THE WITNESSING SELF
Observation is one of the most simple, automatic activities of our daily lives. We are observing all the time, sometimes consciously, sometimes without realizing it. It is easy to observe situations that involve other people, but how easy is it to observe ourselves?
Self-observation is fairly easily done on a superficial level. We can stand in front of the mirror and decide if our shoes really complement our blouse; we can listen to a tape recording of our public presentation and decide if the closing statement really drove home the point. But this kind of self-observation is tainted with biases and judgments from which we have difficulty letting go. They easily cloud the self-observation process.
To be an objective observer of self is challenging. After all, to be “objective” usually means not to be “involved” in the situation, and who is more involved in our lives than we ourselves? But objective self-observation is far from impossible; it just takes close attention and steady practice.
It is a technique that was described by Cayce with the recommendation to “stand aside and watch self go by.” Other philosophers and psychologists have referred to the identical process, but with different labels. The technique sounds a little tricky, though. We may wonder, “How can I watch myself? I am myself.”
The key to understanding the workings of this technique is to see the many roles we play in our personality, the different “selves” that we have. In our daily lives most of us portray dozens of sides of our personality: the parent, the friend, the boss, the colleague, or the customer. Each role we play is ruled by the habits formed in our personality. “Standing aside and watching yourself go by” involves the observation of these “selves” we play each day.
Self-observation involves the development of an extra focus of attention, a new kind of consciousness. With one part of our attention we continue to be consumed by our personality and its reactions to the events and situations in which we are involved. But then we split our attention and let the second half become “the witnessing self.” It is as if a part of us steps out of our life and simply watches. This witnessing self is acutely conscious of the feelings, thoughts, and actions of daily life. We stand apart from ourselves and look back at our personality.
It is important to remember that the witnessing self is part of the personality and not the individuality. We are not standing back and letting one part of ourselves be critiqued by the higher self. Instead, the witnessing self is simply another “self” played by the personality, no more special or significant than another. So it must refrain from the temptation to judge.
Consider the following example of self-observation. For several years a man kept the positive habit of reviewing just before falling asleep his activities from the day now ending. Then he learns about the technique of standing aside and watching self go by. Already familiar with his nightly after-the-fact self-observations, he assumes this method will be easy to perform. But his well-practiced expertise lies in reviewing the day’s events after, not during, their occurrence. Now he is embarking on an even more demanding discipline: to observe himself as fully as possible “in the now,” as the events are happening.
The man discovers that he has trouble splitting his attention in the midst of living his life, and he struggles greatly with the new discipline. In all kinds of situations he attempts to be aware of his behavior routines and his automatic mind dialogues. But the attention of a “witnessing self” is constantly interrupted by other trains of thought.
One afternoon, after weeks of struggling to “split” his attention by means of self-observation, he becomes angry with a gas attendant who will not allow credit card payment at the pump. A sign says it’s allowed, and the man doesn’t want the inconvenience of having to walk all the way over to the teller. They exchange harsh words across the station pavement, and the man leaves in a huff. Extremely mad and frustrated, the man is caught up in a flurry of angry dialogue in his head. As he drives away, he notices his gas cap bouncing down the road after him because he had removed it at the pump and absentmindedly put it on top of the car before the argument.
But the silly sight in the rearview mirror of his gas cap getting hopelessly lost in the traffic behind him suddenly awakened something in him—that witnessing identity. The witnessing self separated with its attention, and it now started observing the mental dialogue. It could immediately see how the “angry customer” side of his personality had been dealing with the situation in an almost unconscious knee-jerk, reactive way. The man was able to hold the witnessing attention only for a minute, and then it vanished. But in that time, he stepped out of the situation and observed how he handled it. The witnessing self gave him the perspective to see that the situation didn’t necessarily demand rage.
This kind of self-observation is a powerful, positive habit for spiritually centered people. Once there has been some initial success with this method, it can lead to more than just recognizing specific traits or aspects of the personality. Self-observation applied to our lives lets us recognize the patterns and themes that seemingly control us and keep us from fulfilling our potential.
For example, a woman was in an unhappy relationship with her boyfriend. She was reluctant to end the relationship because she feared that he was the best she would find. But the problems were too great to ignore and she dumped him.
Dating again, the woman saw that she had nothing to fear; there were plenty of nice men to choose from. After a short time she found herself involved with a wonderful man, and everything was going as well as it could. But soon she began to be disillusioned with him; the same issues arose with the new man as with the previous boyfriend. Convinced that all the men she meets are the same horrible package, she ended the second relationship.
But the problem is not the boyfriends; the problem is the woman. The state of her inner being—her level of consciousness—is identical in dealing with both men. She is perpetuating the unproductive theme in which she finds herself. Nothing had changed from the first man to the second; it was a different boyfriend but she is in the same relationship.
In a similar fashion, by practicing the positive habit of self-observation, you may find yourself recognizing recurrent themes. You may see a pattern in your past and present that keeps being relived. And when you identify such themes, you’ll likely find that the outcome of these repeated patterns doesn’t make you very happy.
