course of all the years of my (of Gordon’s!) lettered existence. Reader of the abbreviated disclosure ahead, I the undersigned invite you to decide which was the worse of my transgressions. The infanticide recounted herein? Or the parricide? Unless, in your role as witness and judge, you would sooner deem the word “patricide” as the locution less figurative—and therefore, semiotically-speaking, several shadings in favor of the accusatory in connoting my reigning yet inexorable (let’s face it), unatonable crime—the one, I agree, at bottom oedipally narrable and, accordingly, moral (howsoever superfluously), the other neither more nor less than the outcome of the conventional backyard impulse. Shall we, then, at this remove, surrender to such diction as strictly, if regrettably, indicative of the infamous commonplace homo ludens submitting himself, alas, yes, not a little sweetly if, no, scarcely a jot forgivably, to the impressive sovereignty of his nature, effecting, as a consequence, play, yes, everyday play, yes, a form of developmental deportment, yes, oh so indubitably puerile, to be sure, oh so very unappealingly boyish, you bet—in sum, it is admitted, amounting to conduct plenty enough hideous for any and all appetites, if you like—but nonetheless behavior to be beheld in no other wise than (pah!) as dismissable as water under the bridge and as, no less wistfully, an instance of the all-too-human spectacle of the selfsame flowage uncorrectably over the dam? Nonetheless—oh, these, timid, pimpled, nonethelesses of ours!—what choice do we have, what choice did we ever have, but to take credit for elucidating a destiny—of Steven’s body, of Phillip’s identity—whose quality, however ordinary, the publisher, I expect, joins me in trusting you will not fail to reckon, satisfactorily, as crazy and real as fact.
G L
10 February 2012
I SAID, “BUT IT WAS ONLY JUST ON.” I said, “It was only just an instant ago when it was on.” I said, “Come on, can’t you tell me what it was?”
She said, “There is no one here who can do that now.” She said, “Don’t you know what time it is now?” She said, “I’m sorry, but this is just the night crew here—this is just the night crew now.”
I said, “We had the sound off.” I said, “We had to have the sound off.” I said, “In all reality, how much trouble could it be, all told?”
She said, “I know.” She said, “But really.” She said, “All of us would really like to be able to help you out—but honestly, I’m honestly really sorry, the answer’s going to have to stay the way it was—it’s going to have to still be no.”
I said, “No.” I said, “No.” I said, “We’d been packing here, my wife and I have been packing here.” I said, “Tomorrow.” I said, “Starting tomorrow, our son starts camp.” I said, “You understand what I mean when I say the boy’s got to start out in the morning and leave for camp? So the volume,” I said, “don’t you see what I mean?” I said, “He’s sleeping, the boy’s been sleeping, and his mother and I have had to stay up all night packing, so this is why the sound, why we had to keep it down so far down, why we had to have it almost all of the way off.” I said, “Come on.” I said, “Go ahead and ask somebody.” I said, “Go ahead and be a sport.”
She said, “I’m sorry, sir.” She said, “I am really sorry, sir.” She said, “Don’t you see it is something that I tell you which cannot possibly be done?”
I said, “We only had the picture on.” I said, “Ask.” I said, “Can’t you ask?” I said, “What was it?” I said, “I just saw it when I looked up.”
She said, “It’s impossible. There is no one here who can answer you now. We are just the night crew now. What you are going to have to do is call back when the regular people come back on.”
I said, “Yes, but I don’t think you really understand me yet. I couldn’t believe it. How could they show a thing like that, people doing things like that? Didn’t you see it yourself? Didn’t you yourself see it yourself? It was so unbelievable. I’m telling you, you have to do this for me, you have to go find somebody and go ask for me. Because there was no way in the world for me to actually hear for myself. You couldn’t hear what it was all about. How can I sleep after this? You think people can sleep after this? Oh, come on, you must have been listening, they must have said, you must have heard, somebody there must have heard them say. One of your announcers probably, or what about an engineer?” I said, “All I am really asking for you to do is for you just to please do something, please go ask.”
She said, “It is really out of my hands. Who do you think is here to do it for you, sir? There is no one here for them to do it for you, sir. It is just something which is at this hour almost all of it automatic and all a question of tape. All you have to do is call back in the morning. You call back in the morning, they will help you out in the morning, just tell them in the morning what it was you say you saw.”
I said, “Just hold it for a second, just don’t hang up on me for a second—just listen for a second—no kidding, please. You have got to appreciate this, I’m going to have to find out what that was. Do you really appreciate that it was just on, that it was just this instant ago on? Be a pal, be a friend—please just go ask someone who probably heard. Are you positive you know what I’m talking about? The news just now, it was just only instants ago and the minute right after I saw it I picked up the phone right as soon as I saw.” I said, “I’m telling you, I’m really telling you, I am going to have to be up going nuts all night if no one is going to help me out and find out what that was.”
She said, “There is nothing that can be done as of this hour. You are going to have to call back. Call first thing at nine. There will be someone here at nine. That’s only almost not even a total of six more hours from now, nine.”
I said, “Even so, even so.” I said, “What if a child had been looking at that? Didn’t anybody first stop to consider what it was? Don’t you people ever look? Does nobody ever bother to take the time?” I said, “Don’t tell me these things are never checked out before you people just go ahead and put them out over on the air.”
She said, “It was just some footage, sir. It was just some footage from the news, sir.”
I said, “You don’t understand yet—about the sound, about the sound, my boy’s been just jumping out of his skin all night because of him being so excited about tomorrow’s being camp. So you see why he couldn’t drift off? This is the reason why he couldn’t drift off. The boy just could not drift off, and then he drifted off, but we had to stay up to get him all packed up, and so this is why my wife and I had to have the sound down, because he has got to stay down and get enough rest for the ride up to camp, but we’ve still been up to all hours packing him up, getting his duffel bag, getting the rest of everything for his duffel bag and for his footlocker all packed up, and I just happened to be looking down into the footlocker and this was when it happened, that’s when I knew the news was going to be coming on and so then I looked up.” I said, “Really, it’s no big deal, it won’t kill you, it’s not going to kill anybody—because with all of my heart I am telling you that I could just not believe what I saw.” I said, “Make one single exception and tell me what it was.”
She said, “I already told you, it was just some footage on the news. A prison thing—a thing in a prison—it was just some prisoners loose in a prison somewhere, some hostage thing in a prison somewhere, some kind of trouble going on somewhere with a prison somewhere.”
I said, “Where? Where was it trouble with a prison?
