just where you left them. Why’s your memory so poor?
Right under the radiator by the back door.”
“Mum, I can’t find my door key, I think it’s been stolen.
Or maybe it fell from my pocket with the hole in.
So it is partly your fault. Can you get me another?
You did it for Daniel, and he’s my big brother.”
“Conspiracy theory is not a bad call,
But it’s right where you left it, on the tray in the hall.”
“Mum, I can’t find my biro, and it’s not ‘where I left it’.
I used it for homework so don’t even suggest it.
I left it right here so you must have moved it.
It’s your fault, it’s obvious, and ha!, I’ve just proved it.”
“You’ve got me. I’m guilty. Arrest me. But wait…
What’s that, where you left it, right under your plate?”
So how do mums do that? They have a sixth sense
For locating my iPhone or an old fifty pence.
It’s the same for our dad too. If he needs the remote,
He just asks our mum and it’s Murder She Wrote…
“If you got off your backside and looked under the couch,
It’s there, where you left it, now mow the lawn.” Ouch.
There must be a cheat way that mums win our deference.
They hide stuff, and map it, then learn the grid reference.
They memorise items and their hidden location,
Then have all the answers, like it’s their vocation.
“That’s right, you believe that while you’re all away,
We’re just where you left us, doing nothing all day.”
Could Do Better
It’s the end of term and the school report
Fills me with cynicism.
In the olden days they’d tell you straight;
Now it’s a euphemism.
You’ve got to learn the secret code
(They don’t want to contravene
The Teachers’ Charter), so you must translate
To know what they really mean.
For example, they have to describe a child
Even if they don’t know them from Adam.
If your child is labelled a “natural leader”,
That means they’re a right bossy madam.
If they “contribute well to class discussion”,
You mustn’t get cut up.
If they’re “keen to share opinions”,
It just means they won’t shut up.
If your child is called “creative”,
That just means they are a liar.
If they’re “dynamic” and “independent”,
Their concentration will be dire.
If “active and enthusiastic”,
Don’t expect a master’s degree;
The letters that should go after their name
Are probably ADHD.
“Animated” means disruptive.
A “solitary child” has nits.
“Willing to help” can only describe
A brown-noser, if truth permits.
“A pleasure to teach” means no trouble.
“Easily upset” means spoilt rotten.
If they’ve “enjoyed the social side of school”,
Class Clown is the name they have gotten.
If he “enjoys all PE activities”,
Then he’s deffo a violent thug.
If she “expresses herself confidently”,
She’s cheeky, a smartarse and smug.
“Animated” equals disruptive.
“Articulate” is quite a feat,
But it doesn’t mean they’re good at art.
“Enjoys working in teams” is a cheat.
If he “knows his own mind”, he is stubborn.
“Polite” means his work’s not OK.
“Shows interest in her environment”
Means she looks out the window all day.
But remember Winston Churchill,
Whose report said he’d “no ambition”;
When he grew up he certainly proved them all wrong…
Do carry on this tradition.
My Dad Is Sooo Embarrassing
My dad is sooo embarrassing.
He really is a fool.
He’s just bought a Harley
And he thinks that he is cool.
He
