this affectation of youth, sir. It is a great deal too prevalent nowadays.
lord goring
Youth isn’t an affectation. Youth is an art.
lord caversham
Why don’t you propose to that pretty Miss Chiltern?
·177· lord goring
I am of a very nervous disposition, especially in the morning.
lord caversham
I don’t suppose there is the smallest chance of her accepting you.
lord goring
I don’t know how the betting stands to-day.
lord caversham
If she did accept you she would be the prettiest fool in England.
lord goring
That is just what I should like to marry. A thoroughly sensible wife would reduce me to a condition of absolute idiocy in less than six months.
lord caversham
You don’t deserve her, sir.
lord goring
My dear father, if we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.
[Enter Mabel Chiltern.]
·178· mabel chiltern
Oh! … How do you do, Lord Caversham? I hope Lady Caversham is quite well?
lord caversham
Lady Caversham is as usual, as usual.
lord goring
Good morning, Miss Mabel!
mabel chiltern
[Taking no notice at all of Lord Goring, and addressing herself exclusively to Lord Caversham.] And Lady Caversham’s bonnets … are they at all better?
lord caversham
They have had a serious relapse, I am sorry to say.
lord goring
Good morning, Miss Mabel!
mabel chiltern
[To Lord Caversham.] I hope an operation will not be necessary.
lord caversham
[Smiling at her pertness.] If it is we shall have ·179· to give Lady Caversham a narcotic. Otherwise she would never consent to have a feather touched.
lord goring
[With increased emphasis.] Good morning, Miss Mabel!
mabel chiltern
[Turning round with feigned surprise.] Oh, are you here? Of course you understand that after your breaking your appointment I am never going to speak to you again.
lord goring
Oh, please don’t say such a thing. You are the one person in London I really like to have to listen to me.
mabel chiltern
Lord Goring, I never believe a single word that either you or I say to each other.
lord caversham
You are quite right, my dear, quite right … as far as he is concerned, I mean.
mabel chiltern
Do you think you could possibly make your son behave a little better occasionally? Just as a change.
·180· lord caversham
I regret to say, Miss Chiltern, that I have no influence at all over my son. I wish I had. If I had, I know what I would make him do.
mabel chiltern
I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak natures that are not susceptible to influence.
lord caversham
He is very heartless, very heartless.
lord goring
It seems to me that I am a little in the way here.
mabel chiltern
It is very good for you to be in the way, and to know what people say of you behind your back.
lord goring
I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.
lord caversham
After that, my dear, I really must bid you good morning.
mabel chiltern
Oh! I hope you are not going to leave me all ·181· alone with Lord Goring? Especially at such an early hour in the day.
lord caversham
I am afraid I can’t take him with me to Downing Street. It is not the Prime Minister’s day for seeing the unemployed.
[Shakes hands with Mabel Chiltern, takes up his hat and stick, and goes out, with a parting glare of indignation at Lord Goring.]
mabel chiltern
[Takes up roses and begins to arrange them in a bowl on the table.] People who don’t keep their appointments in the Park are horrid.
lord goring
Detestable.
mabel chiltern
I am glad you admit it. But I wish you wouldn’t look so pleased about it.
lord goring
I can’t help it. I always look pleased when I am with you.
·182· mabel chiltern
[Sadly.] Then I suppose it is my duty to remain with you?
lord goring
Of course it is.
mabel chiltern
Well, my duty is a thing I never do, on principle. It always depresses me. So I am afraid I must leave you.
lord goring
Please don’t,
